Kafo ʻa e Lotó ʻi he Ngaahi Fakamamahi Lahi: Ko hono Maʻu ha Mahino ki he Ngaohikoviá ʻi he Fāmilí

Fai ʻe Jason B. Whiting, PhD

Akoʻanga ʻo e Moʻui Fakafāmilí ʻi he ʻUnivēsiti Pilikihami ʻIongí

ʻE lava ke fakatupulaki ʻa e ngaahi sīpinga ʻoku ʻikai leleí ʻi ha faʻahinga vā fetuʻutaki pē. ʻE lava ke hoko ʻa hono ʻiloʻi ʻo e ngaahi sīpinga ko iá ke fakahaaʻi ai ʻa e ngaohikoviá pe taʻofi ia kimuʻa ʻi haʻane kamata.

upset woman and husband

Naʻe fakaʻaongaʻi ʻa e ʻū taá ki he taumuʻa fakatātaaʻi pē, fakatātaaʻi ʻe ha kau mōtolo.

Naʻe tā mai ha tamai loto-mamahi kiate au kimuí ni mai. Naʻe ʻalu ako ʻa hono ʻofefine ko Sená (kuo liliu e ngaahi hingoá) ki he ʻunivēsití pea naʻe ʻi ai hano kaumeʻa foʻou, pea naʻe fuʻu vave ʻena fakamātoató. Naʻe teke ʻe hono kaumeʻa ko Siakí ke fai mo na mali pea naʻá ne taʻotaʻofi ʻa e fetuʻutaki ʻa Sena mo ʻene ongomātuʻá. Naʻe kole fakamolemole ange ʻa Sena kiate kinaua, peá ne talaange ko e ʻofa mo e vilitaki mālohi ia ʻa Siaki ke na feohi ko ha ongomeʻa malí.

Naʻe hohaʻa ʻa e fāmili ʻo Sená ʻi he taimi naʻa nau ʻilo ai naʻe ʻi ai ha uaifi mo e tamasiʻi/taʻahine kimuʻa ʻa Siaki ʻa ia naʻe teʻeki ke ne talaange kia Sena. Naʻa nau tā ki he uaifi kimuʻá, ʻa ia naʻá ne pehē ʻoku ʻiteʻita vave mo fuaʻa ʻa Siaki. ʻI he taimi naʻe ʻilo ai ʻe Siakí, naʻá ne loto-lili ʻaupito. Naʻe pehē [ʻe Siaki] ko e ongomātuʻa ʻa Sená ʻokú na “fie pule” peá ne fakamatala ki ha taimi naʻe ʻikai ke na saiʻia ai ʻi ha fakahua manuki naʻá ne fai fekauʻaki mo e ʻatamai poto ʻa Sená. Naʻe vili kikihi ʻa Siaki ke fai pē ʻe Sena ʻene fakakaukau pē ʻaʻana ʻaki ʻene tuʻusi ʻene fetuʻutaki mo ʻene ongomātuʻá. Naʻe fuʻu hohaʻa ʻa e ongomātuʻa ʻa Sená ʻi he fakaʻau ke ʻikai ke toe tali mai ʻena ngaahi fetuʻutakí mo e text.

ʻOku fie maʻu ʻe he fāmili kotoa pē ʻa e fiefiá, ka neongo e taimi ʻoku feinga ai ʻa e kakaí ke nau moʻui ʻaki e ongoongoleleí, ʻe lava pē ke fakamamahi ʻa e ngaahi vā fetuʻutakí. Ko e ngaahi faingataʻa ʻe niʻihi ko ha ola ia ʻo e ngaahi fetaʻemahinoʻaki mo e loto kehekehe ʻoku angamaheni ʻaki ke hoko ʻi he ngaahi fāmilí. Neongo iá, ʻi he ngaahi loto fale ʻoku fiefiá, ʻoku kole fakamolemole ʻa e kakaí koeʻuhí ko e angakoví pea fakaleleiʻi e ngaahi vaá, ka ʻi he ngaahi tūkunga fakamamahí, ʻoku ʻi ai ha ngaahi sīpinga hokohoko ʻo e anga fefeká pe fakamālohí ʻa ia ʻoku fakaʻau ʻo ngaohikoviá.

Ngaohikovia ʻi ʻApí mo e Ongoongoleleí

“Kuo mou fakatupu ha mamahi lahi ʻi he loto ʻo homou ngaahi uaifi ongongofuá, pea kuo mole ʻiate kimoutolu ʻa e falala ʻa hoʻomou fānaú” (Sēkope 2:35).

ʻOku kau ʻi he ngaohikoviá ʻa e ngaahi angafai ʻoku fakataumuʻa ke fakamamahiʻi pe puleʻí. ʻOku kau ai ha ngaahi ʻulungaanga kehekehe ʻo hangē ko e taʻetokangaʻí, ngāue kākā ʻakí, lea tukuhifó, mo e fakamamahi fakaesino pe fakasekisualé.¹ Meʻapangó, ko e angamahení ko e ngaahi ʻulungaanga ngaohikoviá, ʻa ia kuo fakafuofua ʻe he kau mataotao ʻe niʻihi ko e meimei vahe fā ʻe taha ʻo e fānau ʻi he funga ʻo e māmaní ʻoku fakamamahiʻi fakaesino, fakasekisuale pe fakaeloto kinautolu.² ʻOku lahi foki mo hono fakamamahiʻi ʻo e kakai lalahí, ʻoku fakafuofua ko e fefine ʻe toko 1 ʻi he kakai fefine ʻe toko 4 mo e tangata ʻe toko 1 ʻi he kakai tangata ʻe toko 10, ʻoku nau foua ʻa e fakamamahi fakaesinó mei ha hoa mali.

ʻOku malava ke hoko ʻa e ngaohikoviá ʻi ha faʻahinga vā fetuʻutaki pē, pea ʻe lava ke hoko ʻa e kakai tangata mo e fefine ko e tokotaha ʻokú ne fai ʻa e ngaohikoviá. Ka ʻoku ngalingali ko e kakai tangatá ʻoku lahi ange ʻenau puleʻi mo fakahoko ʻa e fakamamahi fakaesinó mo fakasekisualé, pea ʻoku ngalingali ko e kakai fefiné ʻoku lahi ange hono fakamālohiʻí, puleʻi pe fakamamahiʻi ʻe ha hoa malí.³

ʻOku fakatou uesia ʻe he ngaohikoviá ʻa e laumālie ʻo e tokotaha faikoví mo e tokotaha ʻoku mamahí pea ʻoku fehangahangai ia mo e ngaahi akonaki ʻa e Fakamoʻuí. Kuo pehē ʻe he kau palōfita ʻo onopōní, ko kinautolu “ʻoku ngaohi koviʻi ʻa e malí pe fānaú … te nau tuʻu ʻi ha ʻaho ʻo fai ha fakamatala ʻi he ʻao ʻo e ʻOtuá.”⁴ ʻOku faʻa tukunoaʻi pe ngāue hala ʻaki ʻe kinautolu ʻoku nau fai ʻa e ngaohikoviá ʻa e ngaahi tefitoʻi moʻoni ʻo e ongoongoleleí. Hangē ko ʻení, ne u faleʻi ha ongomeʻa mali ʻa ia ne tulifua ai e husepānití ki he ngaahi holi fakaelotó ʻo ne pele paʻanga ʻaki ʻena paʻanga kuo fakahuú, pea naʻe ʻikai ke ne kole fakamolemole ka naʻá ne teke hono uaifí ke fakamolemoleʻi ia mo ne fakakikihi ʻoku “angahala lahi ange” ʻa hono uaifí kapau he ʻikai ke ne fakamolemoleʻi ia. Naʻá ne tukunoaʻi e mamahi ʻa hono uaifí peá ne tala naʻá ne tonu ʻi he ʻao ʻo e ʻOtuá he ka ne ʻikai, he ʻikai te ne hoko ko ha tokotaha ngāue fakatemipale. ʻI he taimi naʻe talanoa ai ʻa hono uaifí ki he kau taki ʻo e Siasi, naʻe fakasiʻia ʻe he husepānití ʻa ʻene ngaahi lavakiʻí peá ne fakalahiʻi ʻa e ngaahi loto-hohaʻa ʻa hono uaifí, ʻo ne pehē ʻoku loto-taʻotaʻomia ʻa hono uaifí. Naʻe fakasītuʻaʻi ʻe he husepānití ʻa e “ngaahi tefitoʻi moʻoni ʻo e … fakaʻapaʻapá, ʻofá [mo e] manavaʻofa”⁵ peá ne fakamamahiʻi hono uaifí. Naʻe ʻikai lava ʻe he ngaahi feinga ʻa e uaifí ke moʻui ʻaki ʻa e ngaahi tefitoʻi moʻoni ʻo e ongoongoleleí, ke fakaleleiʻi ha palopalema naʻe fakatupu ʻe he husepānití. ʻOku tau malava kotoa pē ʻo tukulolo ki he ngaahi ʻulungaanga ʻoku ʻikai leleí. ʻOku ʻi ai e ngaahi ʻulungaanga pau ʻoku kau kotoa ki he faʻahinga kotoa pē ʻo e ngaohikoviá, pea ko e mamafa mo hokohoko ange hono fakahoko ʻa e ngaahi meʻá ni, ko e siʻisiʻi ange ia ʻa e fiefia ʻi he vā fetuʻutakí. Ko e ngaahi sīpinga ngaohikovia angamaheni ʻeni ʻe nima ʻe ala tokoni atu ke ke fakatokangaʻi ʻa e ngaahi ʻulungaanga ʻoku ʻikai lelei ʻiate koe mo e niʻihi kehé.

sad little girl

1. Anga Fakamamahí

“Kuo nau fai kākā ʻaki honau ʻeleló; ko e meʻa kona ʻo e ngata fekai ʻoku ʻi lalo ʻi honau loungutú: … ʻoku pito honau ngutú ʻi he kapekape mo e lea fakamaau” (Loma 3:13–14).

Ne haʻu ha tangata ʻe taha ʻo kumi-faleʻi mai kiate au, ko ha meʻa naʻe ʻikai loto ki ai hono uaifí, ʻa ia naʻá ne manukiʻi hono husepānití ʻi heʻene “fiemaʻu tokoní.” ʻI he lotú naʻe anga fakakaumeʻa mo faivelenga ʻa hono uaifí, ka ʻi ʻapí naʻe makini ʻene ngaahi lea taʻeʻofá ʻo hangē ha uipí. Naʻá ne fakaangaʻi ʻa e paʻanga hū mai ʻa hono husepānití peá ne tala ko e ngāue fakafaiako ʻa hono husepānití ko ha “ngāue ia ʻa e tamaiki fefine.” Naʻá ne tala ki hono fohá, “ʻOfa pē he ʻikai te ke kete kovi ʻo hangē ko hoʻo tangataʻeikí,” pea ʻokú ne telefoni he ʻaho kotoa pē mo ʻene faʻeé ʻo na fakatou lumolumaʻi ʻa hona ongo husepānití. Ko e kakai fakaangá ʻoku nau ongoʻi tonuhia ʻi heʻenau fakatupu ha mamahí pea ʻoku nau “manako ke mamahi ai ha niʻihi kehe” (Tokāteline mo e Ngaahi Fuakava 121:13). Ko e kau mēmipa peheni ʻo e fāmilí ʻoku nau maumauʻi ʻa e ongo fekau ʻa Sīsū ke “ʻoua ʻe fakamaau” pea “ʻoua naʻa fakahalaia” (Luke 6:37) ʻi heʻenau lea tukuhifó, fakahā ʻa e fakaliliʻá, pe lea koví.

2. Kākaá

“Kuo uluisino ʻiate koe ha laumālie kākā, pea kuó ke liʻaki ʻa e Laumālie ʻo e ʻOtuá” ( ʻAlamā 30:42).

ʻOku angamaheni ʻaki ʻa e ʻi he ngaohikoviá ʻa e kākaá ʻi he taimi ʻoku fakasiʻisiʻi ai ʻe kinautolu ʻoku nau fai ʻa e ngaohikoviá ʻa ʻenau ngaahi angafaí, tukuakiʻi e niʻihi kehé, mo fakaʻuhinga halaʻi e ngaahi leá. ʻOku fakatupu puputuʻu ʻeni ki he niʻihi ʻoku fakamamahiʻí, ʻo hangē ko ia ne fakamatalaʻi ʻe ha taha ne kau ʻi heʻeku fakatotoló: “ʻE ʻita lahi [ʻa hoku husepānití] pea hili iá ʻe fai ai pē kole fakamolemolé mo e pehē mai, ‘Ko ho foʻui pē foki ia ʻoʻou’ … pea ʻe pehepehē ai pē ia ʻo aʻu ki ha tuʻunga kuo fakaʻau ke u tui au ki ai.”⁶ Ko e fakaʻikaiʻi ko ʻeni ʻo e moʻoni ʻa ha taha kehe ʻoku ui ia ko e mioʻi (gaslighting), pea ʻokú ne ʻai ʻa e niʻihi ʻoku fakamamahiʻí ke nau ongoʻi puputuʻu mo tailiili fekauʻaki mo ʻenau ngaahi manatú mo e fakakaukaú. Hangē pē ko e ngaahi founga kehe ʻo e kākaá, ʻoku fakaʻaongaʻi ʻa e mioʻí ke fakaʻuhinga halaʻi ʻa e ngaahi fepōtalanoaʻakí mo ʻufiʻufi ha meʻa ʻoku fakataumuʻa ke kākāʻí.

Ko kinautolu ʻoku nau ngaohikovia e niʻihi kehé ʻoku nau fakaʻikaiʻi mālohi ha pehē ʻoku nau anga fakamamahi, pea ʻoku nau faʻa tala ko kinautolu ia ʻoku fakamamahiʻí. ʻI he taimi ne fakahaaʻi ai ʻe Sena ʻokú ne taʻefiemālie ki he lea tukuhifo ʻa Siaki ki heʻene ongomātuʻá, naʻe ʻita ʻa Siaki peá ne vili kikihi ʻoku “fakaʻitaʻi” ia ʻe Sena. Naʻe kau ʻa Siaki ʻi he niʻihi “ʻoku kalanga ʻaki ʻa e maumau-fonó … pea ko e fānau kinautolu ʻo e talangataʻá” (Tokāteline mo e Ngaahi Fuakava 121:17). Naʻe ʻikai ngata pē ʻi he pouaki ʻe Siaki ʻa ʻene talanoa loí ka naʻá ne toe fehiʻa foki ʻi he moʻoní.⁷

man with head in hands

3. Kumi ʻUhingá

“Fakamoʻoniʻi ʻa hoʻo ngaahi angahalá mo e meʻa hala ʻa ia kuó ke faí” ( ʻAlamā 39:13).

Ko e tokotaha anga fakatōkilaló ʻokú ne fakaʻiseʻisa ʻi heʻene fakamamahiʻi e niʻihi kehé pea ʻokú ne fakatomala mo failelei ange. Ko e tokotaha anga fakamamahí ʻokú ne tekeʻi ʻa e ui ʻa e konisēnisí ʻaki e ngaahi kumi ʻuhingá. Ne manatu ha taha ne kau ʻi heʻeku fakatotoló ʻo pehē, “Te u ongoʻi loto-mamahi ʻi he fakamamahi fakaesinó, pea kimui angé te u fakakaukau ne ʻikai ke mei hoko ia kapau pē naʻe mapuni hono ngutú.” Naʻe “ʻikai tupu [ʻene] loto-mamahí ki he fakatomala” (Molomona 2:13) ka naʻe fakasītuʻaʻi ia ʻaki ʻa e loto-ʻita mo e tukuakiʻi.

ʻI ha faleʻi ʻe taha, naʻá ku talaange ki ha uaifi kuo teʻeki ke u sio tonu ʻi haʻane fakahaaʻi ha mamahi ʻoku taau mo e ʻOtuá, koeʻuhí ko ʻene fakaangaʻi hono husepānití ʻi ha laui taʻu lahi. Ko ʻene talí naʻe ʻikai ko e fakaʻiseʻisa ka ko e ngulungulu: “Hoi, ko ha toe meʻa ʻeni ʻe taha ʻoku ʻikai ke u fai!” Ko e kakai ʻoku nau fai ʻa e ngaohikoviá ʻoku nau fakasītuʻaʻi ha fatongia pea ʻoku nau ʻitangofua mo fakatonuhiaʻi kinautolu. ʻOku vave ke nau ʻita ʻi he fanga kiʻi meʻa īkí.

4. Hīkisiá

“ʻI he loto angavaivai ke fetoutou femahaloleleiʻaki hake takitaha ki hono kāingá ʻiate ia” (Filipai 2:3).

ʻOku kau ʻi he hīkisiá ʻa e mālohí mo e siokitá. Naʻe tafuluʻi ʻe he tangata ʻe taha ʻa hono uaifí mo e fānaú ʻi he taimi kotoa pē naʻá ne fakakaukau ai ʻoku nau “taʻefakaʻapaʻapaʻi” iá. Kapau he ʻikai fenāpasi ʻenau fakakaukaú mo haʻaná, ʻoku nau “uesia” ia pe “ʻikai ke talangofua.” ʻOku feʻauʻauhi ʻa e hīkisiá pea ʻoku tokanga taha pē ki he mālohí mo e ikuná. ʻI he tafaʻaki ʻe tahá, ko e fāmili fiefiá ʻoku nau fetokoniʻaki, ʻoku ʻi ai ha tuʻunga potupotu tatau, pea ʻoku “fefaitotonuʻaki ʻa e [kau mēmipa ʻo e fāmilí] ʻiate kinautolu” (4 Nīfai 1:2). ʻOku totonu ke hoko ʻa e ngaahi hoa malí ko ha ongo hoa-ngāue tuʻunga tatau,⁸ ʻa ia ʻoku takitaha ʻi ai ʻena fakakaukau pea ʻoku fakamahuʻingaʻi ʻa e fakakaukau kotoa pē.

5. Puleʻí

“ʻO ka tau ka … ngāue ʻaki ha fakakouna pe puleʻi pe fakamālohiʻi ʻa e loto ʻo e fānau ʻa e tangatá, … ʻoku mahuʻi atu leva ʻa e ngaahi langí” (Tokāteline mo e Ngaahi Fuakava 121:37).

Neongo ʻoku tau mahuʻingaʻia ʻi he tauʻatāina ke filí, ka ʻoku fakaofo ʻa e faʻa fetuʻutuʻuniʻaki ʻa e kau mēmipa ʻo e fāmilí ʻi he founga ke fakakaukau, ongoʻi, mo ngāue aí. ʻOku aʻu ʻo puleʻi ʻe he niʻihi ʻo fakafou ʻi he fakailifiaʻi, fakamaaʻi, toʻo e ʻofá, pe fakamanamana. Ne ʻi ai ha ngaahi ʻamanaki tukupau ʻa ha husepāniti ʻoku totonu ke teuteuʻi ʻe hono uaifí ʻa e meʻatokoni pongipongí ʻi ha taimi pau ʻi he ʻaho kotoa pē, feau e ngaahi fiemaʻu pau fakaesinó, pea fanongo kiate ia fekauʻaki mo ʻene ngaahi “hohaʻá,” ʻa ia ne faʻa kau ai ʻa e founga ʻe tupulaki ai ʻa hono uaifí. Naʻá ne siofi e fakamole ʻa hono uaifí peá ne faʻa ʻita ʻi he ʻikai ke tali vave mai ʻe hono uaifí ʻa ʻene ʻū pōpoaki telefoní (texts).

Naʻe fakahaaʻi ʻe ha faʻē ʻe taha ʻa ʻene faʻa taʻefiemālie ʻi he taimi kotoa pē ʻoku fakahaaʻi ai ʻe hono ʻofefine taʻu hongofulu tupú ʻa ʻene loto-mamahí pe ʻikai ke ne moʻui ʻaki e ngaahi tuʻunga ʻulungaanga ʻo ʻene faʻeé. Kapau he ʻikai feau ʻene ngaahi ʻamanakí, pe kapau ʻe fakahaaʻi ʻe hono husepānití ha loto-hohaʻa, naʻá ne fakamomoko ʻo fakalongolongoʻi ʻa e tokotaha kotoa pē.

holding hands

ʻAmanaki Leleí mo e Fakamoʻuí

“Kuó u ongoʻi hoʻo lotú, kuó u mamata ki ho ngaahi loʻimatá: vakai, te u fakamoʻui koe” (2 Ngaahi Tuʻi 20:5).

Neongo ʻoku fakatupu loto-mamahi ʻa e ngaohikoviá, ka ʻoku malava maʻu pē ke fai ha liliu. ʻE lava ʻe kinautolu ʻoku ngaohikoviʻí ʻo fekumi ʻi ha ngaahi maʻuʻanga tokoni fakalaumālie mo fakapalōfesinale pea fekumi ki he mālohi ʻo e Fakalelei ʻa e Fakamoʻuí ke fakamoʻui honau ngaahi kafó. Ke maʻu ha tokoni, ʻalu ki he abuse.ChurchofJesusChrist.org.

Ko kinautolu kuo nau fai ʻa e ngaohikoviá kuo pau ke nau fakatomala mo fekumi ki ha tokoni. ʻOku fie maʻu heni ke “fakavaivai moʻoni ʻa kinautolu ʻi he fuʻu loto-fakatōkilalo lahi” (3 Nīfai 12:2) pea mo hono tali ʻa e fatongia kakato koeʻuhí ko honau ʻulungāngá. ʻOku mahulu hake ʻa e liliú ʻi he ngaahi palōmesi taimi nounoú mo e ngāue fakamamatá. Ko e faingataʻa ʻo e fakatomala fakamātoató ʻoku mamahi fakaʻulia ia ki he laumālié, pea he ʻikai fie fai ia ʻe ha niʻihi, ʻa ia ʻoku tuku ai ki he niʻihi ʻoku fakamamahiʻí ke nau fai ha ngaahi fili faingataʻa ki he founga ke nau maluʻi ai kinautolú.⁹

ʻOku tokanga mai ʻetau Tamai Hēvaní kiate kitautolu ʻo hangē pē ko e tamai loto-ʻita ne tā mai kiate au fekauʻaki mo hono ʻofefiné. Ko e ʻofa ʻa e ʻOtuá ʻoku “hangē ko e taʻengatá” (Mōsese 7:41), pea ʻokú Ne mamahi fakamātoato ʻi he taimi ʻoku fefakamamahiʻiʻaki ai ʻa ʻEne fānaú. ʻI Haʻane fefolofolai manavaʻofa mo ʻĪnoke, naʻá Ne tutulu ai. “[Ko e] faʻahingá ni ko ho kāingá; kuó u fakatupu ʻa kinautolu ʻaki hoku nima pē ʻoʻokú, … pea kuó u fai foki ʻa e fekau, ke nau feʻofaʻaki ʻiate kinautolu, … kae vakai, ʻoku ʻikai haʻanau ʻofa, pea nau fehiʻa ki honau toto ʻonautolú pē” (Mōsese 7:32–33). ʻOku ʻi ai ʻa e fetāngihi ʻi langi pea mo māmani ʻi he taimi ʻoku kafo ai ʻa e ngaahi sinó mo e laumālié. Ka neongo ia, ʻi he loto-fakatōkilalo, mālohi ʻo e ʻOtuá, mo e tokoni fakapalōfesinale ʻi he taimi ʻoku fie maʻu aí, ʻoku malava pē ke taʻofi ʻa e ʻulungaanga fakamamahí kae faʻu ha ʻapi ʻoku fakaʻeiʻeiki, malu, mo ʻofá.

Maʻuʻanga Fakamatalá

1. Ke maʻu ha fakamatala lahi ange ki he fakamamahi fakaesinó, vakai, abuse.ChurchofJesusChrist.org. Ke maʻu ha fakamatala lahi ange ki he ngaohikovia mo e fakamālohi fakasekisualé, vakai, Benjamin M. Ogles, “Agency, Accountability, and the Atonement of Jesus Christ: Application to Sexual Assault” (Brigham Young University devotional, Jan. 30, 2018), speeches.byu.edu; and Chieko N. Okazaki, “Healing from Sexual Abuse” (Brigham Young University conference, Oct. 23, 2002).

2. Vakai, Maryam Ajilian Abbasi, Masumeh Saeidi, Gholamreza Khademi, Bibi Leila Hoseini, Zahra Emami Moghadam, “Child Maltreatment in the World: A Review Article,” International Journal of Pediatrics, vol. 3, no. 1 (2014), 353–65.

3. Vakai, Hamby, S., “Current controversies: Are women really as violent as men? The ‘gender symmetry’ controversy,” in Claire M. Renzetti, Jeffrey L. Edleson, and Raquel Kennedy Bergen, Sourcebook on Violence Against Women, 3rd ed. (2018), 78–82.

4. “Ko e Fāmilí: Ko ha Fanongonongo ki Māmani,” Liahona, Mē 2017, 145; vakai foki, abuse.ChurchofJesusChrist.org.

5. “Ko e Fāmilí: Ko ha Fanongonongo ki Māmani.”

6. Jason B. Whiting, Megan Oka, and Stephen T. Fife, “Appraisal distortions and intimate partner violence: Gender, power, and interaction,” Journal of Marital and Family Therapy (2012), suppl: 1:113–49.

7. Ki ha ngaahi sīpinga fakafolofola kehe ʻo e fehiʻa ki he moʻoní, vakai, Sione 3:19–21; Ngāue 7:54; 2 Nīfai 1:25–26; mo e 2 Nīfai 4:13.

8. Vakai, “Ko e Fāmilí: Ko ha Fanongonongo ki Māmani”; vakai foki, H. Burke Peterson, “Unrighteous Dominion,” Ensign, July 1989, 6–11, ki ha fakamatala lahi ange fekauʻaki mo e tokāteline ʻo e potupotu tataú mo e ngaahi fehuʻi ke fakakaukau ki ai fekauʻaki mo e ngaahi vā fetuʻutaki fakafuakavá.

9. Ko kinautolu ʻoku ʻi he ngaahi tūkunga ngaohikoviá ʻoku nau faʻa fehangahangai mo e ngaahi fili fekauʻaki mo e founga ke maluʻi ai kinautolú, pe ko e niʻihi kehé, kae pehē ki he fiemaʻu ke nau fokotuʻu ha ngaahi ngataʻanga pe fakangatangata ʻenau feohi mo e niʻihi ʻoku nau fai ʻa e fakamamahí. Naʻe aleaʻi ʻe Palesiteni Sēmisi E. Fausi (1920–2007) ʻa e tūkunga faingataʻa ko ʻení ʻi he taimi ʻoku fihia ai ha taha ʻi ha “vā fetuʻutaki fuoloa mo ʻilonga he ʻikai ala fai ha huhuʻí ʻa ia ʻokú ne fakaʻauha ʻa e ngeia ʻo ha tangata” (“Enriching Your Marriage,” Liahona, Apr. 2007, 3); vakai foki ki he “Help for Victims” konga ʻi he uepisaiti ʻa e Siasí ki hono taʻofi ʻo e ngaohikoviá pea ki ha fakamatala lahi ange mo e ngaahi meʻa ke fili mei aí.

ʻIlo Lahi Ange

couple talking with therapist

Ke maʻu mo ha toe fakamatala lahi ange pe fetuʻutaki ki ha tokoni fakapalōfesinale mo e ngaahi maʻuʻanga tokoni kehé, ʻaʻahi ki he uepisaiti ʻa e Siasí ki he ngaohikoviá ʻi he abuse.ChurchofJesusChrist.org.

Ke ako lahi ange ki he founga ke tokoniʻi ai ʻa e niʻihi ʻoku fakamamahiʻí, lau ʻa e fakamatala he tafaʻakí “Ko e Hā ha Founga Te U Lava ʻo Tokoni Ai? Maʻá e Ngaahi Kaungāmeʻá mo e Kau Takí” ʻi he pulusinga fakaʻilekitulōnika ʻo e fakamatala ko ʻení ʻi he liahona.ChurchofJesusChrist.org pe ʻi he polokalama Gospel Library.

Ko e Hā ha Founga Te U Lava ʻo Tokoni Ai? Maʻá e Ngaahi Kaungāmeʻá mo e Kau Takí

“ʻOku [mau] loto ke tangi fakataha mo kinautolu ʻoku tangí; ʻio, pea fakafiemālieʻi ʻa kinautolu ʻoku ʻaonga ki ai ʻa e fakafiemālié” (Mōsaia 18:9).

Ko e tokolahi ʻiate kitautolu ʻoku tau ʻiloʻi ha niʻihi ʻoku fakamamahiʻi ʻi he ngaohikoviá, ʻo tatau ai pē pe ʻoku tau ʻilo ki ai pe ʻikai. ʻE ʻalu ʻa e kāingalotu ʻi he uōtí ʻoku mamahí ki he kau takí, pea ʻoku meimei ko e tokotaha kotoa pē ʻoku ʻi ai honau kaungāmeʻa pe fāmili kuo ngaohikovia. Ko kinautolu ʻoku ʻikai ke nau ʻi he tūkunga ko ʻení ʻoku nau fakaʻofaʻia kae mahalo ʻoku ʻikai ke nau ʻilo e founga ke tokoni aí. Ko e ngaahi fakahinohino ʻeni ke fakakaukau ki ai ʻi heʻetau ngāue fakaetauhi kiate kinautolu ʻoku faingataʻaʻiá.

Poupouʻi kinautolu kae ʻoua ʻe fai tuʻutuʻuni. ʻOku fakatupu hohaʻa ke fanongo ki he mamahí, pea mahalo te tau fakafōtunga ʻaki e ngaahi ongo mālohi mo e faleʻi, hangē ko e: “ʻOku totonu ke ke mavahe he taimí ni pē” pe, “tā ki ha loea.” ʻOku tātātaha ke tokoni ʻa e fakamālohí ki he niʻihi ko iá, tuku kehe kapau ʻoku nau ʻi ha tuʻunga fakatuʻutāmaki fakaesino. ʻI he ngaahi tūkunga pehení, ʻoku mahuʻinga ke fetuʻutaki ki he kau ngāue fakalaó, hūfangaʻanga maʻá e kakai fefiné, pe ngaahi fika telefoni tokoní. ʻI he taimi ʻoku siotonu pe aʻusia ai ʻe he fānaú ʻa e ngaohikovia fakaesinó pe fakasekisualé, ʻoku totonu foki ke fetuʻutaki ki he kautaha tokangaekina e fānaú (child protective services). Ka neongo ia, ʻi he ngaahi fakakikihi lahi, ʻoku ʻaonga ʻa e tokoní kae ʻikai ko e fakamālohí, ki he niʻihi ʻoku fakamamahiʻí ʻa ia ʻoku ʻi ai hono nunuʻa ki hono fakalongolongoʻi kinautolú pe taʻefakaʻapaʻapaʻi ʻenau tauʻatāina ke filí. Ko kinautolu ʻoku ʻi he ngaahi tūkunga fakatuʻutāmakí kuo pau ke nau fai ʻa e ngaahi fili faingataʻa pea kuo nau fakakaukauʻi ia ʻi ha vahaʻataimi fuoloa. Fanongo tokanga ke maʻu ha mahino ki he ngaahi fakaikiikí pea ʻeke ha ngaahi fehuʻi kae ʻoua ʻe fakalahi atu e mafatukitukí.

ʻOua ʻe fakamaau pe malanga. ʻOku ʻi ai hotau ngaahi tuʻunga māʻolunga ʻi he Siasí fekauʻaki mo e fāmilí, pea ʻoku ongoʻi ʻe he tokolahi ʻoku ʻikai ke nau moʻui ʻo fakatatau mo ia. ʻI he ngaahi fāmili ʻoku palopalema ʻenau feohí, ʻoku toe lahi ange ai ʻa e matāmama ko ʻení, ʻa ia ʻoku fakaiku ki he mā mo e fūfūnaki lahi ange. Ko kinautolu ʻoku fuʻu fakaʻamu ke fai ha fakaleleiʻí ko kinautolu ia ʻoku faʻa ngaohikoviá pe tukuakiʻí. ʻOku lava ke fakalalahi ange ʻa e tukuakiʻi pē kitá ʻi he taimi ʻoku pehē ai ʻe he niʻihi mei tuʻá: “Naʻá ke fai ha meʻa ke tupunga ai ʻene ʻitá?” pe “Kapau ʻokú ke faʻa kātaki mo faʻa fakamolemole, ʻoku ou ʻiloʻi ʻe sai pē.” Ko e ʻuhinga ʻeni ʻe taha ʻoku ʻikai fie talanoaʻi ai ia ʻe kinautolu ʻoku ʻi he palopalemá—he ʻoku ʻikai ke nau loto ke ʻiloʻi ʻoku fakamamahiʻi kinautolu pe ke nau ongoʻi loto-mamahi lahi ange koeʻuhí ko ʻenau ngaahi taʻefeungá.

Toʻo fakamātoato ia. Ko e niʻihi ʻoku talanoa kau ki honau ngaohikoviá ʻoku nau fehangahangai mo e fakataʻetaʻetuí pe loto-veiveiuá. ʻOku malava ke hoko ʻeni koeʻuhí ʻoku maʻu ʻe kinautolu mei tuʻá ha ngaahi fakakaukau taʻekakato pea taimi lahi ko e ngaahi fakakaukau hala. Hangē ko ʻení, ʻoku ʻi ai ha talatupuʻa, ko e fakamamahí ʻoku toki fakahoko pē ia ʻe he kau fakakina ʻoku mataʻi faihiá. Ka neongo ia, ko e lahi taha ʻo e ngaohikovia ʻi he ngaahi fāmilí ʻoku fai ia ʻe he kakai angamaheni ʻoku nau hā ngali lelei ʻi he kakaí. ʻOku tau fefaʻuhi mo e moʻoniʻi meʻa ko ʻení. ʻOku lava fēfē ke maʻu ʻe hotau kaumeʻa ko e faiako Lautohi Faka-Sāpate anga-fakakaumeʻá, ha ngaahi ʻulungaanga taʻe-angatonu ʻi ʻapi? Kapau he ʻikai fenāpasi ha foʻi talanoa mo e ngaahi fakakaukau ne tomuʻa maʻu ʻe he tokotaha fanongó, mahalo te ne tukunoaʻi pe fakasiʻia ia. Ka ʻoku fakahā ʻe he fakatotoló ʻoku tātātaha ke fai ha tukuakiʻi loi ʻo e ngaohikoviá, tautautefito mei he niʻihi ʻoku siʻisiʻi honau mālohí ʻi he fāmilí, pea ko e tokolahi ʻo e niʻihi ʻoku fakamamahiʻí ʻoku ʻikai pē ke nau teitei tala ʻe kinautolu. Toʻo fakamātoato ʻa e ngaahi lipooti kotoa pē ʻo e ngaohikoviá pea kamata mei ha tuʻunga ʻo e tui.

ʻOua ʻe vave ke faifakamaau. ʻOku faʻa fanongoa ʻe he kau takí mo e kau taukeí ha ngaahi fehangahangai ʻi he ngaahi talanoa mei he kau mēmipa ʻo e fāmilí, pea ʻoku fakatupu ʻahiʻahi ke te kau ki ha faʻahi. ʻI he ngaahi tūkunga ʻe niʻihi, ʻoku ʻilonga pē ʻa kinautolu ʻoku fakamamahiʻí pea mo kinautolu ʻoku faikoví, ka ʻi he tūkunga ʻe niʻihi, ʻoku ʻi ai ha fehalaaki ʻi he ngaahi tafaʻaki kehekehe pea ʻoku meimei taʻemalava hono veteki ʻa e moʻoní. Ko hono tānaki atu ki he puputuʻú, neongo ʻoku mahuʻinga ke tui ki he niʻihi ʻoku fakamamahiʻí, ka ko e tokolahi ʻo kinautolu ʻoku fai ʻa e ngaohikoviá ʻoku nau leʻo afea pea te nau tala foki ʻoku fakamamahiʻi mo kinautolu pea mahalo te nau fakamatalaʻi ʻa e niʻihi ʻoku nau fakamamahiʻi kinautolú ko e kau fakamālohi. Hangē ko ʻení, ʻe malava ʻe ha hoa mali fakamālohi ʻo fakafeʻātungaʻi ha ʻaʻahi ki ha pīsope pe faifaleʻi ʻaki haʻane tomuʻa fetuʻutaki ke tōkaki ha ngaahi talanoa fakatupu maumau ke fakafepakiʻi ʻaki hono hoá. ʻOku faʻa mahalo ʻe he niʻihi mei tuʻá te nau lava pē ʻo tala ʻa e ngaahi meʻa ʻoku loí, ka ko e kakai kuo fuoloa ʻenau faikākaá ʻoku nau fakalotoa [ha taha pē] ʻaki ʻenau fakamatamataleleí. ʻOku fakatokanga ʻe he ʻEikí ki he kau takí fekauʻaki mo e “kau mālualoi ʻiate kimoutolu, ʻa ia kuo nau kākaaʻi ʻa e niʻihi” (Tokāteline mo e Ngaahi Fuakava 50:7), pea ko e taimi ʻe niʻihi ʻoku fakatupu puputuʻu ʻa e kākā ko ʻení ki he niʻihi ʻoku nau feinga ke tokoní.

Tokanga ki he ngaahi fakaʻilonga fakatokangá. ʻOku taʻefakangatangata ʻa e ngaahi feliliuaki ki he founga ʻoku hoko ai ʻa e ngaohikoviá ʻi he ngaahi fāmilí, ka ʻoku ʻi ai ha ngaahi fakaʻilonga fakatokanga pau ʻoku totonu ke aleaʻi fakaleleiʻi ange ʻo kapau ʻe fanongo ki ai ha taki pe kaungāmeʻa. ʻOku kau heni ʻa e ngaahi meʻa ne fakahaaʻi ʻi he fakamatalá ni: anga fakamamahi, kākā, kumi ʻuhinga, hīkisiá, mo e puleʻi. ʻIkai ngata aí, ko ha fakaʻilonga kovi ia kapau ʻoku ʻi ai ʻa e fuaʻá, muimuiʻi paú, fakahohaʻasí, ngaahi talanoa ʻoku fuʻu fehangahangai ʻaupitó, fakamālohi ʻoku fekauʻaki mo e feohi fafalé pe paʻangá, pe ko e fakasītuʻaʻi ha kumi tokoni. ʻOku totonu maʻu pē ke toʻo fakamātoato ha faʻahinga fakamamahi fakaesino pe fakasekisuale pea aleaʻi ia mo e kau ngāue palōfesinale ʻi he tafaʻaki ko iá. Kapau ʻoku kau ʻa e fānau siʻi hifo he taʻu 18 ʻi hono fakamamahiʻí pe siotonú, kuo pau ke lipooti ʻa e ngaohikoviá.

Ko e meʻa mālié, ʻoku holo hifo ʻa e lahi ʻo e ngaohikovia ʻi ʻapí ʻi he ngaahi fonua lahi, pea ʻoku fakautuutu ʻa hono ʻiloʻi ʻe he kakaí ʻa e ngaahi faʻahinga kotoa pē ʻo e fakamālohí.¹ Ka neongo iá, ʻoku kei tokolahi pē ha niʻihi ʻoku nau faingataʻaʻia toko taha pē, pea “ʻoku ʻalu hake ki he ʻOtuá ʻa e tangi ʻa honau lotó” (Sēkope 2:35). Tau tokoni muʻa ki he ngaahi loto ko ʻeni ʻoku mamahí ʻaki ʻa e ʻofa mo e tokoni faka-Kalaisi.

Maʻuʻanga Fakamatalá

1. Vakai, Bureau of Justice Statistics, National Crime Victimization Survey, Concatenated File, 1992–2015 (U.S. Department of Justice); Steven Pinker, The Better Angels of Our Nature: Why Violence Has Declined (2011).

Maʻuʻanga Tokoni maʻá e Kau Takí

Ko e kau taki ʻoku nau ʻiloʻi ha ngaohikovia ʻoku kau pe siotonu ai ʻa e fānau ʻoku siʻi hifo he taʻu 18, ʻoku totonu ke nau fetuʻutaki ki he laine tokoni ʻa e Siasí ʻoku maʻu ʻi he counselingresources.ChurchofJesusChrist.org.

“ ʻE lava ke hoko e leʻo ʻo e fakamoʻoni mālohí, lotu fakamātoató, mo hiva ʻaki e ngaahi himi ʻo Saioné, ko e leʻo tatau pē ʻokú ne tukuhifo mo fakaangaʻi, fakamaaʻi mo fakasiʻia, fakamamahiʻi mo fakaʻauha ʻa e laumālie ʻo e tokotaha ʻokú ne fakahoko iá pea mo e niʻihi ʻoku fakahoko ia ki aí. ʻOku loto-mamahi ʻa Sēmisi, ‘ʻOku mei he ngutu pē taha ʻa e tāpuakí mo e kapekapé. ʻE hoku kāinga, ʻe ʻikai siʻi lelei ke pehē ʻa e ngaahi meʻá ni’ [Sēmisi 3:10].”

ʻEletā Jeffrey R. Holland ʻo e Kōlomu ʻo e Kau ʻAposetolo ʻe Toko Hongofulu Mā Uá, “The Tongue of Angels,” Liahona, May 2007, 16.

ʻIlo Lahi Ange

ʻE lava ke maʻu ʻe he kau takí ʻa e tokoni ki he fehangahangai mo e ngaohikoviá ʻi he Maʻuʻanga Tokoni maʻá e Takí mo e Kalaké (LCR) ʻi he ChurchofJesusChrist.org. Ko e kau taki mo e kau faiako kotoa pē ki he fānaú pe toʻu tupú ʻoku totonu ke nau fakakakato ʻa e ako “Ko Hono Maluʻi ʻo e Fānaú mo e Toʻu Tupú” ʻi loto ʻi ha māhina ʻe taha mei honau uiuiʻí. ʻE lava ke maʻu ʻa e akó ʻi he ChurchofJesusChrist.org/callings/church-safety-and-health.