“Am I to blame for my spouse’s pornography use?” Help for Spouses (2019)
“Am I to blame for my spouse’s pornography use?” Help for Spouses
When we discover that our spouses are viewing pornography, it’s normal to questions whether we’re enough. It’s helpful for us to understand that nothing we could change about ourselves would cause our spouses to stop viewing pornography. After all, the truth is that we’re not the reason they’ve chosen to view it. In this video, others share their experiences of turning to God for reassurance of His love and their adequacy.
Our particular set of attributes is not what makes us worthy of our spouses’ love. As children of God, our worth is established and unchanging. God defines our worth, and He has declared that our worth is infinite. See Doctrine and Covenants 18:10.
Our spouses may be viewing pornography for many reasons, but a lack of value in our physical, emotional, and spiritual qualities are not among those reasons. As we look to our Heavenly Father, we can feel of His love and find the validation we may feel we have lost.
Here are some ideas that others have found helpful. Prayerfully consider what actions might be best for you, taking into account that they may or may not be listed here.
Identify positive sources to learn about and strengthen your feelings of divine worth. Consider a topical study of the scriptures or conference talks. Reviewing your patriarchal blessing may help.
Consider learning about why you are not one of the things that motivates your spouse’s pornography habit. Your spouse’s attraction to pornography can step from many factors other than his or her relationship with you, including some that predate your relationship. There are various sections of this and related books that may help, including “Why does this keep happening?” in Help for Me (2019).
Seek to educate yourself on what healthy marital sexual expression is. Almost all forms of pornography encourage objectifying people, which can negatively influence a marital relationship.
Ask God whether you are the cause of your spouse’s pornography use. Seek to understand how He feels about you, and seek to understand your worth in His eyes. The scriptures teach us that when we lack wisdom, we should “ask of God” (James 1:5).
Learn more about biological issues that may impact your spouse, including pornography’s effect on the brain. Understanding that such things are not related to you can be helpful.