Learn—Maximum Time: 60 Minutes

1. Understanding Anger

Read:

Everyone experiences anger. There are countless reasons to feel angry. We can’t always control angry feelings, and it is easy to feel justified in our anger. We may even feel better in the moment after expressing anger in aggressive ways. But expressing anger doesn’t help us feel better in the long-term, and it can result in strained relationships, physical illness, financial loss, and spiritual or even physical damage to self and others.

The Savior taught the Nephites: “There shall be no disputations among you. … For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away” (3 Nephi 11:29–30).

Ponder:

Think of a time when you felt angry; then complete the chart below.

Situation	How Did I Respond?	What Was the Result?
Situation Example I bought new shoes for my son. He left them out last night, and they were stolen.	How Did I Respond? I got upset with my son and yelled at him for being irresponsible and leaving the shoes outside.	What Was the Result? My son was afraid of me and didn’t want to talk to me. He loved those shoes and feels worse about his mistake.
Situation	How Did I Respond?	What Was the Result?

Discuss:

How does managing anger help us become better disciples of Jesus Christ?

2. Realizing How Anger Escalates

Read:

When we allow ourselves to dwell on angry thoughts, our body also reacts. Physical reactions in the body increase our “emotional temperature level.” Certain behaviors can intensify our anger, so learning skills that help us “cool down” is an important part of managing anger.

heating and cooling anger charts

Discuss:

What other things have helped you to “cool down”?

3. Understanding the Emotions behind Anger

Read:

To manage your anger, identify the different emotions underlying it. It’s often easier to be angry than to deal with your real, underlying feelings. Below is a list of some underlying emotions and experiences that may result in you feeling angry.

Underlying Emotions and Feelings				Underlying Emotions and Feelings				Underlying Emotions and Feelings				Underlying Emotions and Feelings
Underlying Emotions and Feelings Resentful Disappointed Ashamed Hopeless Guilty Overwhelmed	Underlying Emotions and Feelings Embarrassed Frustrated Inferior Grief Insensitive Heartbroken Afraid	Underlying Emotions and Feelings Anxious Worried Threatened Nervous Rejected Entitled Hurt	Underlying Emotions and Feelings Offended Victimized Lonely Injustice Hunger Fatigue Unmet expectations

Activity (5 minutes)

Step 1: As a group, read the following scenarios together, and note how recognizing the underlying emotions can decrease anger.

Step 2: On your own, think of a situation when you might feel angry. In the chart below, write down the situation and a response that can “heat” anger. Then identify the underlying emotions and write down a response that can “cool” anger.

Situation	Responses That “Heat” Anger	Underlying Emotion(s) and Experience(s)	Responses That “Cool” Anger
Situation Example You are driving home from work. It has been a long day, and traffic is heavy. You are running late for an appointment. Another driver almost causes an accident, then gives you an offensive gesture.	Responses That “Heat” Anger Yelling Dwelling on hurt feelings Thinking, “How dare he think this is my fault! Why do they let guys like that drive on the road?”	Underlying Emotion(s) and Experience(s) Stress Injustice Fatigue Fear	Responses That “Cool” Anger Using calming music or focusing on your breathing to remind yourself, “I can either make it worse or let it go. I don’t know why he is driving that way. I need to stay calm and give him the benefit of the doubt.” Thinking, “Driving upset could also cause me to get in an accident.”
Situation Example You told your son to clean his room before playing with friends, but he ignored you and played with friends instead.	Responses That “Heat” Anger Thinking, “This child will never listen to me! I don’t like being a parent! No matter what I do, I can’t get through to my child.”	Underlying Emotion(s) and Experience(s) Unmet expectations Disappointment Blame Hurt	Responses That “Cool” Anger Thinking, “He is still young and learning why it’s important to have a clean room and listen to his parents. Maybe I need to help him understand why we take care of our things. I will calmly talk with him about ways we can do that.”
Situation	Responses That “Heat” Anger	Underlying Emotion(s) and Experience(s)	Responses That “Cool” Anger

Discuss:

How can prayer help us cool our anger?

4. Choosing to Respond to Anger in Different Ways

Read:

It is important to understand the connection between anger and agency. As things happen in our lives, we may feel anger, but we are able to choose how to respond to this feeling: to become angry or to become charitable, kind, and generous.

Elder Lynn G. Robbins described a situation where an athletically talented young man tried out for and made it onto a sports team. On the first day of practice, the coach had the young man play against another player while the team watched. “When he missed an easy shot, he became angry and stomped and whined. The coach walked over to him and said, ‘You pull a stunt like that again, and you’ll never play for my team.’ For the next three years he never lost control again. Years later, as he reflected back on this incident, he realized that the coach had taught him a life-changing principle that day: anger can be controlled” (“Agency and Anger,” Ensign, May 1998, 80).

Discuss:

When is a time you chose not to respond in anger?

Activity (2 minutes)

Becoming aware of when you feel anger can help you better manage your anger. With a partner, briefly review the “My Anger Awareness Exercise” later in the chapter. Fill it out during the coming week to help you become more aware of when you feel angry.

Read:

One way you can choose to respond is through humor. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught, “Jesus found special joy and happiness in children and said all of us should be more like them—guileless and pure, quick to laugh and to love and to forgive” (“This Do in Remembrance of Me,” Ensign, Nov. 1995, 68–69). Being able to laugh at yourself or find humor in a situation helps you better cope with life’s unexpected frustrations and disappointments. Uplifting humor can help improve your attitude, relationships, and health. This kind of humor does not offend or embarrass others. As it says in Proverbs, “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine” (Proverbs 17:22). While it’s not appropriate to laugh all the time, most people could benefit by laughing more.

Discuss:

How can appropriate humor help us manage our anger?

5. Managing Anger as a Disciple of Jesus Christ

Read:

Living in unity with Jesus Christ can help you feel peace instead of anger. The “mighty change” of heart (Alma 5:14) that comes from being unified with Jesus Christ can help you to want to forgive others, “do good continually” (Mosiah 5:2), and “wait upon the Lord” (Psalm 37:9). The Holy Ghost will fill you with “love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, [and] temperance” (Galatians 5:22–23).

Watch:

“Forgiveness: My Burden Was Made Light,” available at https://churchofjesuschrist.org/study/video/self-reliance-videos [8:24].

Discuss:

How are we blessed as we turn to the Savior to manage anger?

Read:

Anger can lead to violent or abusive behavior. Domestic violence is different than minor disagreements. No one is expected to endure abusive behavior or violence. See abuse.ChurchofJesusChrist.org for crisis help lines (available in English only) and other resources.

If you are the victim of domestic violence, get help immediately, including contacting appropriate authorities. The Church does not tolerate abuse of any kind. President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “We condemn most strongly abusive behavior in any form. We denounce the physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional abuse of one’s spouse or children” (“What Are People Asking about Us?” Ensign, Nov. 1998, 72). Whether you are a victim or a perpetrator, seek help now if you are caught in a web of abuse. Your bishop or other Church leaders can help you heal.

My Anger Awareness Exercise

Describe some situations that trigger your anger. (For example, an argument with your spouse or friend, dealing with financial issues, or having a messy house.)
Describe the reasoning or thoughts that increase your anger. (For example, “They only care about themselves” or “My friend is so irresponsible.”)
Describe the feelings behind your anger. (For example, feeling disrespected, used, or ignored.)
Describe the physical reactions you feel that are signs you are getting angry. (For example, sweaty palms, fast heartbeat, tenseness, or irritability.)
Describe how you act out in anger, including your worst behavior. (For example, yelling, slamming doors, or hitting.)
Describe a skill that cools your anger. (For example, counting to 10 or doing breathing exercises.)
Describe how you will respond the next time you feel angry.