From YA Weekly
Looking for the Perfect Spouse? Try a Different Lens
Are you focused on physical or spiritual attraction?
As a young woman, I filled up pages in my journal about what I wanted my future husband to be like.
Pages. Multiple pages.
But when I got old enough to date seriously, I realized that dating can be an obstacle course. I caved and tried a dating app.
I soon discovered a common trap:
You swipe up on someone because you think they’re attractive, but you don’t know anything except that they’re possibly above average in height, looks, and salary (depending, of course, on how honest they are in their profile).
In a world where dating is often initiated through dating apps, many spend so much time window-shopping for potential partners that they tend to judge by outward characteristics only, forgetting to focus on what’s on the inside.
And if the prerequisite for marriage is a model-worthy face and body, what kind of marriage will that be?
Physical Attraction vs. Spiritual Attributes
Elder John A. Widtsoe (1872–1952) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles once said: “‘Falling in love’ is always from within, rather than from without. That is, physical attractiveness must be reinforced with mental and spiritual harmony if true love is to be born and have long life.”
It’s not bad to desire physical attraction in a future spouse. But if outward appearances are your only compass for finding an eternal companion, you will come up short; physical attractiveness is not a marker of compatibility or spirituality.
As Elder Widtsoe said, love comes from the inside, not the outside. I believe that when you find the person who portrays righteous inner qualities and traits compatible with yours, their spiritual attraction fosters and enhances all other kinds of attraction—even physical.
The scriptures teach, “The Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7).
Don’t fall into the trap of only caring what’s on the outside. Keeping covenants requires commitment, honesty, integrity, and humility. Search for a companion who embodies righteous spiritual attributes, and cultivate those attributes within yourself.
A Different Lens: Progress Instead of Perfection
Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught, “In God’s plan of happiness, we are not so much looking for someone perfect but for a person with whom, throughout a lifetime, we can join efforts to create a loving, lasting, and more perfect relationship.”
In your journey to find a spouse, do you stop to look at your own progress to perfection or only seek and expect perfection in your partner?
When my sister was single and struggling with dating, she realized she might be making this mistake. So she drew a simple picture of her desired partner:
A stick figure with three—only three—of the most important attributes she wanted in a husband. No height requirements, no six-figure salary quota.
Within several months she started dating her future spouse. He was dedicated to the gospel, hardworking, and honest. Together they are working to create an eternal marriage.
Elder Gerrit W. Gong of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles shared: “Marriage is not a match of two individuals who feel they are perfect for each other, although you may feel that at some time. Marriage is when two individuals love the Lord and each other by covenant … and nurture a celestial relationship.”
Let these truths guide you through the important decisions you will face as you date and search for an eternal companion. Whether your search is on a dating app, among friends, at a YSA conference, or elsewhere, remember the eternal, spiritual attributes that will bring you the most happiness.
It will take more than a second glance to learn what really matters. You will not find perfection, but when the right companion comes along, together with the Savior, you can be perfect for each other.