From YA Weekly
Beyond Surface-Level Relationships: Building Connection Through Vulnerability
Being willing to be seen as you truly are can help you transform your relationships.
For most of my life, I kept my feelings hidden. As a people pleaser, I thought that being agreeable made me Christlike, enabled me to avoid chaos, and protected me from rejection.
Crying in front of people? No way.
Sharing a differing opinion? Absolutely not.
Talking about my struggles and fears? Never.
This may sound dramatic, but many of you might feel similarly. However, if we want to “bear one another’s burdens” (Mosiah 18:8), establish trust in our relationships, and “become one flesh” in marriage (Genesis 2:24), it’s going to require the biggest emotional risk we can take:
Being vulnerable.
What Is Vulnerability?
During the Sermon on the Mount, the Savior taught His disciples many truths, one being the importance of how His followers should communicate in all they do—with honesty, integrity, and love. He said, “But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil” (Matthew 5:37).
To me, this includes the honesty and integrity that is encapsulated in vulnerability. Vulnerability has a few different meanings, but social science researcher Brené Brown defines it as “emotional risk, exposure, uncertainty.”
For us as young adults, vulnerability in our relationships may look like:
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Being honest about our hopes, dreams, and weaknesses with someone we’re dating.
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Listening to and sharing tears with a fellow ward member.
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Visiting with our bishop when we need guidance through repentance.
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Confiding in a loved one about a challenge we’re facing.
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Sharing how we really feel in our relationships, even if we’re afraid of being embarrassed, rejected, or judged.
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Asking for help.
So why is a willingness to step into this emotional, raw space so important to our relationships—even with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ? Because vulnerability builds trust, an essential part of deepening love and emotional and spiritual intimacy.
Elder Marcus B. Nash of the Seventy recently taught young adults, “With trust, relationships, companies, professions, and societies, even nations, flourish. Without trust, they crumble.” Trust is everything in our relationships, and building it requires honesty, communication, and courage.
I know firsthand how our hesitance to be vulnerable can negatively affect relationships or prevent them from even forming in the first place.
Vulnerability Can Help Relationships Thrive
I have always been an easygoing person, but I also have strong feelings. For so long, I was afraid to share those feelings with loved ones. That fear led to unresolved resentment and frustration, and the very chaos I was trying to avoid was a result of my own silence.
For example, my now-husband and I were best friends for years! But miscommunications and my hesitance to be honest with him led to us going our separate ways for a time.
However, when he reached out to me months later (bless him), I realized I needed to mirror his courage. In doing so, we were able to have an honest, heartfelt conversation. Vulnerability ultimately helped us better understand each other and move from the friend zone into something more.
Looking back, all the miscommunication could’ve been avoided if we’d been vulnerable with each other from the start. Now, five years into our eternal marriage, we continue to have honest conversations. We’ve shared and been accountable for our weaknesses and stepped into the discomfort of sharing our true feelings. And every time we do, our love for each other only deepens.
When talking to young adults about dating and marriage, President Jeffrey R. Holland, Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, once said, “You cannot succeed in love if you keep one foot out on the bank for safety’s sake.” To me, his words not only apply to dating but to all meaningful relationships.
By sharing my feelings, I’ve seen old wounds begin to heal. I’ve found deep bonds with friends. I have felt a spiritual closeness with those I serve with in my calling as we counsel together. I’ve noticed my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ deepen as I have been more honest in my prayers and have felt Their perfect love encouraging me to keep trying to improve each day.
I’ve truly seen how a little vulnerability can empower our connections with others.
Following Christ’s Example
One thing I’ve learned, though, is that vulnerability is not sharing every detail about our lives on a first date or lashing out when we are annoyed or provoked. Instead, it’s sharing our feelings in the right way, time, and place, with a desire for greater connection.
As I’ve studied the Savior’s life and gospel, I’ve seen that He never hesitated to share truths with those He taught—even hard truths. In moments that required corrections or rebukes, like telling Peter to have more faith in Him while they were on the stormy Sea of Galilee or inviting the woman caught in adultery to “go, and sin no more,” He was always meek, charitable, and courageous (see Matthew 14:24–33; John 8:1–11).
When I want to deepen my connections but find myself clinging to my comfort zone, I look to Him for help. As President Russell M. Nelson said, “There is no limit to the Savior’s capacity to help you.”
Through relying on Him, I continue to be able to transform and deepen my relationships with others, establishing peace in my home and heart in my corner of this chaotic world.