Life Skills
7 Ideas for Discussing a Pornography Struggle with Someone You’re Dating
Here are a few suggestions for starting an honest and vulnerable discussion.
Telling someone you care about that you struggle—or have struggled—with pornography sounds pretty daunting, right?
We know that viewing pornography is contrary to what we’re taught in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, so hearing about past or present pornography use might be hard on your boyfriend or girlfriend.
But as someone who once had her future husband initiate this exact kind of tough conversation, I believe there are things you can do to make it easier on the woman or man you’re dating. Based on some counsel from our leaders—and my own experiences—here are a few suggestions for starting an honest and vulnerable discussion about this topic:
1. Be the One to Bring It Up
The person you’re dating might ask you about your history with pornography eventually, but it sets a good precedent if you’re the one to bring it up. Being upfront will go a long way toward assuring your boyfriend or girlfriend that you want to be open about this problem and are taking responsibility for addressing it.
As you read this, you might be wondering: “When should I bring it up?”
Elder Neil L. Andersen of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles has advised that “you give to the person you love the opportunity to spiritually and prayerfully weigh the choices of going forward, before a proposal is accepted and announced.”
This might not sound like very specific advice, but the right timing will vary for each couple. Counsel with the Lord and consider the needs of your partner as you seek to find the right time to have this conversation.
2. Offer Complete Honesty
Elder Andersen offered four words for us to remember when moving forward in romantic relationships: “complete honesty, unselfish humility.”
He went on: “As you progress in your dating to seriously considering sharing your lives together, you share your most private thoughts, your dreams, and your fears. You share who you are, who you have been, and who you want to become. Complete honesty and unselfish humility. If you struggle with pornography or have struggled in the past, a person considering you as an eternal companion deserves to know about your challenge and how you have faced it.”
My boyfriend encouraged me to ask him questions and talk to him about what this meant for our potential future relationship. His openness and vulnerability helped me trust him and see that he was doing his best to address this problem.
3. Avoid Oversharing
This might seem contrary to tip number two, but it is possible to give too much information. Disclosing how your struggle has affected you and what you are doing to overcome it is appropriate; going into the details of explicit content is not.
President M. Russell Ballard (1928–2023) suggested that couples “talk with each other and find out where a person’s heart is and what he or she is doing to become a ‘Saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord’ [Mosiah 3:19].”
Here are a few questions I asked my boyfriend to find out the degree of his use and to begin to determine where his heart was:
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How long has it been since you last viewed pornography?
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How would you currently classify the degree of your pornography use? Has it been more serious in the past?
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What triggers your pornography use? What are you doing to address those triggers?
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Have you openly shared your struggles with priesthood leaders and friends who can offer you support?
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What are you doing right now to take responsibility for your struggle?
When considering what information to share, Elder Andersen counseled that “a thoughtful approach is to ask yourself what you would want to know if you were in the place of your companion, prayerfully preparing to spend your life with someone you love.”
4. Give the Other Person Space to React
You’re probably hoping that after your disclosure, your boyfriend or girlfriend will be completely understanding and not struggle to process the news. That’s possible, but it wasn’t the case for me.
After my boyfriend shared his struggle with me, I was as compassionate as I could manage in the moment, but I needed some time and space.
Elder Andersen summed up what I felt I needed in the weeks following our conversation: “It may cause [your boyfriend or girlfriend] to slow down the relationship and allow for more time and more experience in judging whether he or she is ready to move forward. It may require more prayer, discussions with parents or trusted leaders, and more experience with the person you hope to have with you forever.”
Although this was a tough issue to work through, seeing my boyfriend give me the space I asked for gave me a lot of insight into his ability to be patient and respectful of my requests. It might be hard to go through a period of uncertainty in your relationship, but it’s worth it to have someone who knows your struggles and supports you.
5. Offer Resources (When Appropriate)
If you’ve found helpful articles, meetings, or other resources that align with the Church’s teachings and might help your boyfriend or girlfriend, share them as appropriate. Don’t use them as a way to convince your loved one to see things the way you do or stay with you; rather, share them if your loved one indicates a desire for more help and information.
I grew up with some misconceptions about people who view pornography. I fell into the category of those who have “unintentionally demonized those who are [struggling with] pornography.”
So when my sweet, selfless boyfriend told me he struggled with pornography, my world (and perceptions) turned upside down. I felt like I needed to reset what I thought I knew, and I really wasn’t sure where to start.
I found it helpful when my boyfriend invited me to attend the spouse and family meetings that accompanied his addiction recovery meetings (even though his degree of use didn’t reach the level of addiction). I met women who had answers to a lot of my questions and could share experiences with me.
6. Pray for the Other Person to Find Peace
Only your boyfriend or girlfriend “can decide, with the Lord’s help, how to proceed in a relationship in which pornography plays a role in the life of a potential future companion.”
It might be frustrating and painful to feel that a past or present struggle could result in someone you love choosing to break up with you, but once you have disclosed your struggles, all you can do is pray for him or her to find peace in their life—whether or not their life continues to include you.
The Lord loves you. He wants you to heal from your struggles and find a beautiful and fulfilling relationship. He can strengthen you and help you continue have hope, no matter the outcome of this conversation.
7. Keep Striving and Repenting
As you seek to overcome pornography use and communicate your struggles with the person you love, remember President Russell M. Nelson’s words:
“It is very likely that many, if not most, [young adults]—like the stripling warriors—have been or will be wounded to some degree by exposure to this insidious plague. …
“… Those who struggle with pornography may be disappointed in themselves, but the Savior is not disappointed with anyone who earnestly seeks to repent.”
Whether or not the conversation goes how you’re hoping it will, remember to keep seeking the Lord and repenting—every day. The Lord loves you and wants to bless you with a beautiful, celestial relationship.