“8: Learn,” Finding Strength in the Lord: Emotional Resilience (2020)
“8: Learn,” Finding Strength in the Lord: Emotional Resilience
Learn—Maximum Time: 60 Minutes
1. Relationships Are Important
Read:
As we develop loving relationships with others, our physical, emotional, and spiritual health is strengthened. Heavenly Father wants us to love Him and those around us. Our family and friends love us and can provide the support, encouragement, and honest feedback we need to successfully cope with life’s challenges. The adversary wants to isolate us from others and wants for us to feel deprived of the blessings that come from relationships.
“The Prophet Joseph Smith taught that ‘friendship is one of the grand fundamental principles of “Mormonism”’ [Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph Smith (2007), 463]. That thought ought to inspire and motivate all of us because I feel that friendship is a fundamental need of our world. I think in all of us there is a profound longing for friendship, a deep yearning for the satisfaction and security that close and lasting relationships can give” (Marlin K. Jensen, “Friendship: A Gospel Principle,” Ensign, May 1999, 64).
Discuss:
What benefits have you seen from close and loving relationships?
2. Building Relationships
Read:
When building relationships, we must take the initiative to reach out to others and be tolerant of differences. We can build relationships through “small and simple” means (Alma 37:6). Taking time to create quality relationships matters more than the quantity. We will find that we get more joy in life as we develop close relationships with a few people we trust rather than having many superficial relationships. There’s nothing wrong with having a lot of friends, but we should not assume having more friends equals happiness.
Read the list below of additional ways to create and build relationships with others.
Become genuinely interested in other people. Learn what other people love or enjoy. You don’t have to have the same interests, but you can learn to care about what they are interested in.
Smile. Happiness does not depend on what is happening around you but rather on how you respond to your circumstances. Smiles are free to give and can be a great way of making others feel better.
Remember people’s names. A person’s name is the most important sound to him or her, whether the person realizes it or not. Learning someone’s name can help that person feel valued and important.
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. People feel appreciated when someone listens to them. The easiest way to have someone want to talk to you is to become a good listener. To be a good listener, you must genuinely care about what others have to say.
Try sincerely to make others feel important. The golden rule is to treat other people how you would like to be treated. People like to feel important—like what they say or do matters to others. You can do your best to help people feel important by practicing the ideas listed here.
Read:
“We build this relationship [with others] one person at a time—by being sensitive to the needs of others, serving them, and giving of our time and talents. I was deeply impressed by one sister who was burdened with the challenges of age and illness but decided that although she couldn’t do much, she could listen. And so each week she watched for people who looked troubled or discouraged, and she spent time with them, listening. What a blessing she was in the lives of so many people” (Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “Of Things That Matter Most,” Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2010, 22).
Ponder:
Think about someone with whom you can build a stronger relationship. Consider the ideas earlier in this section and the counsel in President Uchtdorf’s words, and write down ways you can apply what you learn to build this relationship.
3. Be Understanding and Nonjudgmental
Read:
Everyone makes judgments about situations and people, including the actions of family members. President Uchtdorf explained, “When we feel hurt, angry, or envious, it is quite easy to judge other people, often assigning dark motives to their actions in order to justify our own feelings of resentment” (“The Merciful Obtain Mercy,” Ensign or Liahona, May 2012, 70). But the Book of Mormon states, “Seeing that ye know the light by which ye may judge, which light is the light of Christ, see that ye do not judge wrongfully; for with that same judgment which ye judge ye shall also be judged” (Moroni 7:18).
Discuss:
How does being understanding and less judgmental influence our happiness?
Read:
Imagine you see a parent with four small children. The children are loud and are annoying you and those around them. The parent appears to be unaware and distracted, oblivious to how much the behavior of the children is affecting those around them. After some time, the parent speaks harshly to the children, telling them to be quiet.
Discuss:
As a group, discuss what a judgmental response would be. Come up with compassionate explanations for why the parent could be acting this way. What could you do to be more understanding and less judgmental?
4. Communicate with “I” Messages
Read:
Disagreements and differences with others are a natural part of relationships. This can happen because of differences in values, opinions, perceptions, motivations, desires, and ideas. Learning to address these differences in a healthy way can strengthen your relationships with others and help you develop empathy and patience. Healthy conflict resolution is likely to occur when individuals feel safe and valued. Though differences are normal, they do not have to lead to contention. It is contention during a conflict that causes a problem.
When personal differences occur, you may have difficulty clearly communicating your side without escalating the conflict. Using “I” messages can help you state your concerns, feelings, and needs in a manner that is easier for the listener to hear and understand. An “I” message focuses on your own feelings and experiences rather than your perspective of what the other person has done or failed to do.
The first part of an “I” message identifies and expresses your own feelings, which is critical in addressing conflict or disagreement. It helps to lessen defensive feelings and makes it easier to listen to one another. Read the examples below of how to translate a “you” remark into an “I” message.
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Examples of “You” Messages |
Examples of “I” Messages |
|---|---|
Examples of “You” Messages “You never listen to anyone, and you’re not really listening to me now.” | Examples of “I” Messages “I feel discouraged when I don’t think I am understood. Keeping eye contact helps me feel like you care.” |
Examples of “You” Messages “You are so inconsiderate and thoughtless for missing dinner and not calling.” | Examples of “I” Messages “I feel neglected when you miss dinner without calling. I also feel worried that something may have happened to you.” |
Discuss:
What are the differences between the “you” and “I” messages?
Read:
When you take time to communicate your feelings to someone, you might assume it is the other person’s responsibility to follow through on fulfilling your desires. But even when you communicate your feelings to others, your feelings and desires are still your responsibility. When your “I” message doesn’t produce the desired result, you can act lovingly to create the outcome you want instead of becoming resentful.
5. Be Charitable
Read:
“Whatever problems your family is facing, whatever you must do to solve them, the beginning and the end of the solution is charity, the pure love of Christ. Without this love, even seemingly perfect families struggle. With it, even families with great challenges succeed” (Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “In Praise of Those Who Save,” Ensign or Liahona, May 2016, 80).
Watch:
“Enduring Love,” available at https://churchofjesuschrist.org/study/video/self-reliance-videos [4:16].
Ponder:
Who do you know that could benefit from your charity? Why?
Read:
The Lord has given us counsel about developing relationships through the inspired document “The Family: A Proclamation to the World.” It teaches that successful relationships are “established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities” (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” ChurchofJesusChrist.org).