Lesson 7

How can we prepare to be reunited as a family?

The purpose of this lesson is to help military families understand how times of separation can change them and how they can prepare to be reunited.

family group at picnic

Resources

Following is a list of resources that you can use to study this topic.

• Karen Sandberg Woodson, “Staying Connected,” Ensign, Dec. 2014, 52–55

• Claigh H. Jensen, “About Trauma,” Ensign, Feb. 2008, 49

• “Supporting Military Families,” LDS.org

• “Family Readiness: Essential to Mission Readiness—Unit Deployment Guide for Families,” marineparents.com

• Doctrine and Covenants 121:7–8—Enduring trials

• Doctrine and Covenants 121:41–46—Priesthood and the powers of heaven

Videos:

• “You’re Never Alone,” Mormon Messages, LDS.org

• “I’m a Mormon, Optimist, and Wounded Soldier,” LDS.org

• “Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled,” in “Instructions to Priesthood Leaders,” lds.org/callings/military-relations/organization-leader-responsibilites

• “I’m a Mormon and Wife of a Fallen Soldier,” LDS.org

• “Sitting on the Bench: Thoughts on Suicide Prevention,” LDS.org

• “Life after War and Overcoming Post-Traumatic Stress,” AddictionRecovery.lds.org/videos

Learning outline

“When we were both striving to live close to the Spirit, my husband and I found that we were able to feel spiritually connected to each other as well. I would pray and even fast to keep feeling close to my husband, to help us both feel comforted while apart, and to be able to reconnect quickly and comfortably when we were together again” (Karen Sandberg Woodson, “Staying Connected,” Ensign, Dec. 2014, 54–55).

Principle 1: Times of separation can increase your capacity and make you stronger.

woman standing alone

“It has been hard; I have no one to tag team. Some things can be done only by me, and sometimes there isn’t enough of me left. I wanted to go to bed one night before the kids’ bedtime, but I still had to make dinner, have family scripture study, put the kids to bed, [and] prepare for the seminary lesson for the next morning, and I still was not sure when I should shower.”

—Martha Willis, wife of James E. Willis, U.S. Army

The time that you are separated from your spouse can help you increase in your capacity to endure trials. The separation will be an impetus for change, and it may be helpful to keep this in mind as you prepare to be reunited as a family. Both you and your spouse will have endured substantial pressures, and those pressures may have led to significant changes. Many of those changes will be for the better—you may have increased in your capacity to face challenges or you may have a greater appreciation and gratitude for life and family. As you turn to the Lord, your time apart can help you become stronger and you can prepare to continue building your family when you are reunited.

What changes do you want to make during your time apart? List two or three personal growth opportunities that you want to achieve.

Eventually, the emotions you feel at the beginning of deployment will stabilize into a more manageable range of emotions. Your thinking will shift into a more independent mindset, and you will have increased focus on your responsibilities. This is an indication that you are adapting to your circumstances, and it is a good sign. These changes are a normal part of the emotional cycle of deployment.

The Emotional Cycle of Deployment (ECOD)

cycle stage 4

However, times of separation can also lead to harmful changes. You can avoid this pitfall when you hold fast to the gospel principles and to your covenants. Since contact with your spouse will be limited, you may not feel as accountable to him or her for what you do or how you spend your time. But you are always accountable to your spouse and to God to keep your covenants.

What can you do to remain accountable to your spouse and to God for your choices? How will you continue to rely on your Savior during deployment?

What are the challenges to living righteously for the spouse who is deployed and for the spouse who stays behind?

Read Doctrine and Covenants 121:7–8.

How does this scripture apply to you during those times when you are separated from your family members? What does it mean to endure well?

The following statements describe ways each spouse can stay connected and grow spiritually during times of separation. The first contains suggestions for the spouse who remains at home, and the second contains suggestions for the spouse who is deployed. Read these statements and consider how you can grow stronger and stay close to your family while you are separated:

“I … found peace as I read the scriptures and modern-day revelation seeking for help on how to endure trials and maintain an eternal perspective—marriage is forever, and this time apart is only temporary! Moreover, I was able to develop spiritually in new ways, as I had to rely on the Lord more while not being able to rely on my husband as much as I might otherwise have done” (Karen Sandberg Woodson, “Staying Connected,” Ensign, Dec. 2014, 54–55).

“Although not physically present, the deployed member can help in preparing family home evening lessons, holding family councils, studying the scriptures, and participating in family prayers through e-mail, telephone, and other forms of communication. Sharing journal entries is another good way to stay close while physically separated. When a deployed service member has maintained regular communication while away, families experience fewer problems upon his or her return” (“Supporting Military Families,” LDS.org).

Make a plan to use the separation from family members as a time to grow stronger. What can you do to remain connected to your family?

“Being away from home has always been harder for us than coming back home. There’s certainly the potential for [an] awkward transition time, but we typically settle into each other’s presence well. It’s important to never attempt to downplay or make competing comparisons with the trials your spouse experienced while you were away. It can be very hurtful and cause resentment if you invalidate your spouse’s challenges simply because you were the deployed person.”

—Sean Boyd, U.S. Navy

Watch the video “You’re Never Alone,” in which Elaine S. Dalton, former Young Women General President, shares how running a marathon taught her about the strength we receive from God to endure trials.

What principles identified by Sister Dalton can you apply to your life? Sister Dalton points out that there will always be obstacles and challenges, no matter how much we have prepared. What kinds of obstacles do you anticipate with deployment?

Principle 2: Preparation can help create a smooth transition from separation to reunion.

Understand that there is an emotional cycle of reunion, just as there is an emotional cycle of separation. Read the following information about the different stages of return and reunion.

The Emotional Cycle of Deployment (ECOD)

cycle stage 5

cycle stage 6

cycle stage 7

Read Doctrine and Covenants 121:41–46.

How does this scripture apply to the adjustment period after your family is reunited? What virtues listed in this scripture would you like to apply more effectively in your own life?

“[My husband] had things he needed to work through. He was willing to go to counseling to get help with some of that.

“He was jumpy—even going to the elementary school for a program, he would get very nervous and look around when the chairs were moving.

“We had to look out for him. We had to be aware because we were in our normal world, and he was trying to do what we normally do and had to take time to get back into being a family man. We still needed to keep to the program of [family home evening], scriptures, prayer—communicating when things got hard and praying for each other in specific things.”

—Felila Montoya, wife of James Montoya, Army National Guard (USA)

Following are some tips that may help you during this transition period:

• Take it slow—don’t try to make up for lost time.

• Realize that things will be difficult.

• Talk to each other about both the hard and joyful experiences.

• Take time to learn about each other again.

• Recognize your spouse may have changed and learn to appreciate those changes.

• Be prepared: reality will likely be different from what you imagined.

• Communicate openly with your spouse and family.

• Plan family activities.

• Reassure your children and set aside time for each of them.

• Plan time with extended family.

• Refrain from taking control.

• Have daily family prayer and scripture study and weekly family home evening.

Principle 3: Traumatic events can lead to remarkable growth.

two men talking

“For most service members, reintegration with families occurs without major problems. However, some have serious reactions to their war experiences that can continue after they return home. Statistically, 30 percent of returning war veterans will have ongoing reactions to their traumatic war experiences. Untreated, these difficulties can progress into a condition known as post-traumatic stress disorder” (“Supporting Military Families,” LDS.org).

If you have been deployed and are experiencing symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), have confidence that with the Lord’s help and the help of your family—and the help of a professional counselor, if needed—you can soon experience post-traumatic growth (PTG).

Post-traumatic growth is the ability to experience positive changes in your life as a result of struggling with a serious life event or crisis. Many people who experience trauma are able to return to normal life, but they may need time to adjust first. People who experience this growth manifest some of the following positive changes:

1. Relating to others in more positive ways. For example, your appreciation for your family relationships may increase.

2. Becoming open to new possibilities—being willing to change and try new experiences.

3. Realizing and coming to understand your own personal strengths. For example, your confidence that you can handle difficult situations is increased.

4. Increased spiritual growth and coming to a stronger faith in God.

5. Enhanced appreciation of and sensitivity to the importance and value of your life.

Keep in mind that your growth following traumatic events does not mean that you will avoid the negative effects of your experiences altogether. Allow yourself time to heal, and lean on your Savior and family during this time. Your healing also does not mean that you have to accept your trauma as a good experience. Although these experiences can bring about positive changes in you, that good is a manifestation of God’s grace and miracles, not a statement on whether these experiences were inherently “good.” Remember that it is normal to want to avoid these types of experiences. However, we cannot always control what happens to us, so we must learn to employ resilient behaviors and receive healing. (See Claigh H. Jensen, “About Trauma,” Ensign, Feb. 2008, 49.)

List two or three ways you want to become better and grow personally from your experiences.

What are some obstacles to growth, and where can you get the support you need to heal?

Elder Robert C. Oaks of the Seventy gave some valuable counsel to those who are on their way to healing from trauma:

“If you find that your best efforts to put these images out of your mind are not working, rely more heavily on the Lord through prayer, fasting, temple attendance. Thereby you can achieve the peace that you and your family deserve. Getting involved in community, Church, family, or personal service projects can go a long way in putting those uncomfortable parts of our past behind us” (in “Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled” [video], lds.org/callings/military-relations).

Read Doctrine and Covenants 98:1–3.

What is the key principle you can take from the Lord’s counsel to the Prophet Joseph Smith?

Watch the video “I’m a Mormon, Optimist, and Wounded Soldier.”

How can your experiences help define you rather than destroy you?

How is God involved in the details of your life?

Decide to act

Create a plan for what you want to accomplish during the time you are separated from your family members.

Who can you turn to in times of difficulty during your deployment and after you are reunited as a family?

What can you do to support others in similar situations?

What can you do to overcome feelings of loneliness?

End of the week

What did you learn from this experience?

Summary of Key Points from Lesson 7

1. Times of separation can make you stronger individually and as a family.

2. There is an emotional cycle of reunion as well as separation. Being aware of these emotions can help prepare you for a smooth transition.

3. Some returning soldiers may experience PTSD, but with help and support, they can turn their traumatic experiences into positive growth.

Notes