Lesson 6

What is the emotional cycle of separation, and how will it affect me and my family?

The purpose of this lesson is to help military families understand and cope with the emotional cycle experienced during times of separation.

man with eyes closed

Resources

Following is a list of resources that you can use to study this topic.

• M. Russell Ballard, “Great Shall Be the Peace of Thy Children,” Ensign, Apr. 1994, 59–61

• David S. Baxter, “Faith, Fortitude, Fulfillment: A Message to Single Parents,” Ensign or Liahona, May 2012, 37–39

• Shawn Evans, “Helping Children Feel Safe,” Ensign, Feb. 2011, 14–17

• “Family Readiness: Essential to Mission Readiness—Unit Deployment Guide for Families,” marineparents.com

• “Supporting Military Families,” LDS.org

• Mosiah 18:8–9—Bearing one another’s burdens

Videos:

• “Wrong Roads,” Mormon Messages, LDS.org

• “Tanya Parke: Faith, Trust, and Some Pixie Dust,” lds.org/callings/military-relations/military-devotionals

Learning outline

Read the following statement, written by U.S. marine Jonathan Kehr, who was deployed four times:

“Prior to my four deployments to the Middle East as a marine, my family and I dealt with a great deal of emotions. Of course there were mandatory classes given to all the marines prior to deployments that discussed the stress on families prior to deployments. Knowing I was going to face stress did not alleviate my underlying anxiety. …

“Individually, I was affected physically and emotionally. Physically, I didn’t sleep well or exercise because the workdays could easily be 18 hours, and the rest of the day was spent agonizing over the remaining problems that needed attention. Emotionally, the weight of the world seemed to be on my shoulders at work because of my responsibilities and the uncertainty of the immediate future. I felt out of control with my life because our pre-deployment combat training usually took place far from home. I had a minimum amount of time at home in the months leading up to my deployments. Although my family was loving and strong, I often felt alone, even when we were together. I had to steel my mind, and I almost closed my heart to my family as I tried to cope with these emotions. I prayed and studied my scriptures daily, I received priesthood blessings, and I know those brought me peace and understanding and strengthened my resolve. Looking back, I know my trust and faith was in the Lord. I knew it was my duty to serve in the Middle East, and I served for a greater purpose than for myself.”

Reflect on similar experiences that you have had, or imagine how you might feel in this situation. How can you avoid getting stuck in negative emotions during situations like this? What can you do to prepare for these circumstances?

Principle 1: The emotional cycle of deployment is natural and normal.

sad woman

It is natural and normal for you to experience a wide range of emotions while you are preparing for and experiencing deployment. People who undergo these types of separations almost always feel anxiety for the safety of their spouse and loved ones. Spouses who remain at home worry for the safety of the spouse who is deployed. Spouses who are deployed worry for the safety and well-being of the family back home. You may feel numb, confused, or overwhelmed. You may even feel sorry for yourself.

How does normalizing your feelings help you cope? What can you do in situations where you feel emotionally overwhelmed?

Elder David S. Baxter of the Seventy taught the following to single parents, and his teachings can also apply to spouses in situations of military deployment:

“I testify that as you do your very best in the most difficult of human challenges, heaven will smile upon you. Truly you are not alone. Let the redemptive, loving power of Jesus Christ brighten your life now and fill you with the hope of eternal promise. Take courage. Have faith and hope. Consider the present with fortitude and look to the future with confidence” (“Faith, Fortitude, Fulfillment: A Message to Single Parents,” Ensign or Liahona, May 2012, 39).

In the following video, Sister Tanya Parke shares how she was able to cope with her fears when she learned her husband was being deployed to war. As you watch this video, consider what you would do in a similar situation.

Watch the video “Tanya Parke: Faith, Trust, and Some Pixie Dust.”

What are your fears and challenges concerning family separation? How can the Savior and others help you?

The following are common emotions that occur during the different stages of deployment. As you read, consider ideas you may have for dealing with these emotions. Remember that coping with emotions does not mean suppressing them. It often means relying on an established support network. You can begin building this network as you communicate with others who have had or are experiencing similar situations in their lives. It’s important to understand that progression through these emotional cycles is not a neat or tidy process. Actually, it’s unlikely that any individual would progress through these emotions in order and on time. Both adults and children may skip some phases entirely, but when you recognize these signs and behaviors, you can use it as a cue to initiate loving dialogue with your family members.

You can find the full emotional cycle of deployment at the end of this manual.

THE EMOTIONAL CYCLE OF DEPLOYMENT (ECOD)

cycle stage 1

cycle stage 2

cycle stage 3

What can you do if you need support or help during any of these experiences?

What experiences have you had that may be similar to this?

What did you learn from these experiences about turning to others and your Savior for help?

Principle 2: Children also experience a cycle of emotions during times of separation, and they need your help to understand it.

sad boy

Read the following statements about the emotions that children experience in these situations and what you can do to help them:

“We live in an age in which difficult issues—such as divorce, illness, death, accidents, natural disasters, warfare, job loss—threaten the sense of security in the home. However, there are many things parents can do to help children feel a sense of stability, security, and safety in spite of these disrupting influences” (Shawn Evans, “Helping Children Feel Safe,” Ensign, Feb. 2011, 14).

“During periods of family separation, children may have feelings of abandonment, loss of love, and resentment. Deployed members must communicate frequently with each child, not just with their spouse. Showing pictures of the deployed member while sharing messages from him or her can help young children stay connected. Also, doing activities with other ward members can be very helpful, especially if the families have children of similar ages. The more love that can be shared with the children, the better they will handle the separation” (“Supporting Military Families,” LDS.org, 3).

“Sometimes just knowing that my Savior knows, has felt, and understands what I’m feeling gives me the peace I need.”

—Cyndi Hinson, wife of Keller Hinson, Army National Guard (USA)

To help children cope with deployment and other situations where they may face separation from a parent, you must first be able to identify their reactions and understand how to help them adjust.

To view resources for children, see SesameStreetForMilitaryFamilies.org.

The following are typical behaviors or emotions that children may exhibit during times of separation. As you read these lists, think of your experiences with your own children, and add other behaviors you have observed in them. Discuss what you learn with your spouse.

THE EMOTIONAL CYCLE OF DEPLOYMENT (for children)

birth to 6 years

7–10 years

11–18 years

What have you done, or what could you do, to help your children during times of separation?

If you’re the service member being deployed, what can you do to remain connected to your children and help them adjust to the situation?

The following statement can serve as a set of guidelines for spouses who remain at home:

“It is important for the parent at home to maintain the family’s structure and routines. Lax discipline or supervision can lead to undesirable behavior patterns and habits. In spite of a parent’s best efforts, sometimes children and youth exhibit unusual behavior while a parent is away from home for extended periods of time. These behavior problems can be manifested in such ways as being disruptive, withdrawing, developing nervous tics, crying, being continually depressed, or seeming to reject love and kindness. Seeking assistance from youth leaders and teachers can be a great resource to the family during this critical time to help prevent youth from seeking unhealthy associations outside the home” (“Supporting Military Families,” LDS.org, 3–4).

“Be active in the Church. Do your home teaching and always take advantage of opportunities to exercise your priesthood. Pray often, both privately and with your family. Prioritize reading the scriptures, and always strive to be temple worthy. These things will help build your testimony and keep your perspective set on eternal things when you’re faced with temporal pressures and challenges.”

—Sean Boyd, U.S. Navy

You will need help and support when it comes to teaching your children. Make a list of people in your area who could help you or be friends to your children during times of separation. Set goals to contact these people and begin building a relationship of giving and receiving now.

Elder M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught:

“How do we bring … peace into the lives of children who are growing up in trying, troubling times? … The best and most meaningful resources are found within the home where faithful, devoted parents and supportive brothers and sisters love one another and teach one another of their divine nature” (“Great Shall Be the Peace of Thy Children,” Ensign, Apr. 1994, 60).

The following statement may also help you as you strive to bring a measure of peace to your children, whether in the home or from a distance:

“As you act with faith in Heavenly Father and His Son, you will receive blessings of comfort and support. Children will receive an added measure of comfort and stability as you and they live by the words of the prophets and continue the practices that bring peace into the home, such as family and personal prayer, scripture study, and temple worship” (Shawn Evans, “Helping Children Feel Safe,” Ensign, Feb. 2011, 17).

Watch the video “Wrong Roads.”

In this video, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles explains why we should continue to trust in God even when things don’t seem to go right. How have you been blessed by continuing to trust in God?

Decide to act

Read Elder M. Russell Ballard’s article “Great Shall Be the Peace of Thy Children” (Ensign, Apr. 1994, 59–61), and identify two principles you can implement that will bless you and your family.

End of the week

What did you learn from this experience?

Summary of Key Points from Lesson 6

1. Your feelings during times of separation are part of a natural and normal process that eventually leads to more stable emotions.

2. There are common emotions associated with deployment, but each person responds differently. Some people may experience only a few of the emotional phases.

3. Children also experience an emotional cycle during times of separation, and their responses vary with age.

4. Developing a support network in your area will help you and your children cope with deployment.

5. The greatest peace you can receive in your home will come through an understanding of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Notes