How Christ Helped Me Change from Bitter to Better

By Chakell Wardleigh Herbert

Church Magazines

I was in my own figurative Liberty Jail and wasn’t sure how to move forward.

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small blocks showing positive and negative emotions

Joseph Smith once prayed in anguish at Liberty Jail, “Oh God, where art thou?” (Doctrine and Covenants 121:1).

While I can’t imagine what Joseph’s harrowing experience was like in Liberty Jail, I too have wondered where God is when I’ve waited on Him for answers, endured unfairness, and felt the disappointment of unfulfilled blessings.

A few years ago, I felt all of this profoundly.

My Figurative Liberty Jail

In my early 20s, I was suddenly facing chronic health problems, struggles in my family, heartbreak from a failed relationship, and unmet expectations for my life, all while juggling anxiety and depression.

I was a mess—emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

I didn’t understand why I was experiencing so many challenges when I had always learned I would have joy if I lived as a disciple of Christ.

I did not feel joy.

Instead, I was bitter. I felt disconnected from Heavenly Father. All I could see were my troubles.

A Shift in Focus

I read scriptures, prayed, and attended the temple. But I couldn’t shake my focus from my challenges.

I lived like this for months, feeling rigid in my negative feelings about life. In my mind, I had a right to be bitter! But one day I sat down to read my patriarchal blessing.

I have always been known for my optimism, humor, and zest for life, and when I read my blessing describing these qualities and my eternal potential, I realized that this sacred document was not describing who I was at the time.

I wept as I read about the promises Heavenly Father has in store for me, but I felt discouraged. How could I change and reconnect with my happy, faithful self this blessing was describing?

I realized how much I was letting my struggles—and the labels I had given myself because of them (chronically ill, chronically anxious, chronically forever alone … catch my drift?)—overshadow every good thing in my life.

I had lost sight of the truth that I am one of Heavenly Father’s beloved daughters and that He has great things in store for me.

This most powerful label was stated in the very first sentences of my patriarchal blessing.

President Russell M. Nelson has said, “If any label replaces your most important identifiers, the results can be spiritually suffocating.”

… Guilty.

“First and foremost, you are a child of God, a child of the covenant, and a disciple of Jesus Christ.”¹

I realized I needed to change.

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graphic showing different steps to achieve happiness

Our Ability to Change

I had a desire to start doing life differently. So I started focusing on my divine identity, and I set goals. I believed that with faith in Christ and action on my part, I would see changes in my life. President Nelson also taught, “As we strive to live the higher laws of Jesus Christ, our hearts and our very natures begin to change.”²

So:

I went to the temple to feel the Spirit instead of feeling frustrated if I didn’t receive specific answers.
I read my scriptures with intention.
I prayed for help in changing my thoughts from hopelessness to hopefulness.
I kept a gratitude journal.
I exercised more.
I spent more time with loved ones and less time alone.
I strived to magnify my calling.
I met with a therapist who helped me gain helpful perspectives about living with chronic illnesses and managing anxiety.

Over time I witnessed miracles, like feeling more empathy toward others, feeling grateful and strengthened even on days when my chronic illness flares, and feeling hope even when challenges aren’t fully resolved.

As Sister Michelle D. Craig, First Counselor in the Young Women General Presidency, taught, “Trials do not mean that the plan is failing; they are part of the plan meant to help [us] seek God.”³

As I turned to Him, I felt different—and I still feel different—as I continue to shift my focus from my suffering to living joyfully as a disciple of Christ.⁴

Becoming a New Creature

My time in my figurative “Liberty Jail” showed me what happens when we choose Jesus Christ in our challenges—we are changed for the better. I cherish His enabling power that continues to help me become “a new creature” (see 2 Corinthians 5:17).

In times of anguish, I remind myself of God’s words to the Prophet Joseph Smith and think about how they might apply to me too:

“[Chakell], peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

“And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high” (Doctrine and Covenants 121:7–8).

These days, I have a zest for life again, despite ongoing challenges. I know as I follow Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, I am offered security in my covenants, hope in promised blessings, perfect love, and rest.⁵ Our trials, and especially our ability to grow through them, are our biggest blessings when we choose to come unto Christ. He truly changes us from bitter to better.

Whatever you are facing, I hope you choose to embrace this truth too.