Is Fear Getting in the Way of Your Relationship with God?

By Jamie Kathryn LeSueur

Church Magazines

How can I close that gap that I sometimes feel between me and my Heavenly Father?

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woman looking across a gulf at a group of people

Illustrations by Alex Nabaum

What would happen if your relationship with God was so secure that you could trust Him 100 percent? Maybe you’d have the faith to move mountains (see Matthew 17:20) or to say to rivers, “Be thou earth” (1 Nephi 17:50).

I believe that this type of relationship with God is possible. But I’ve always questioned, is it possible for me?

I treasure my relationship with Heavenly Father. I dedicate time, effort, and love to Him every day. And yet sometimes I still feel a sizable gap that keeps me from feeling closer to Him. It’s a gap that, until recently, I didn’t know how to close.

Fear Hurts Relationships

I’ve spent most of my life living at an emotional distance from the people I love. I enjoy making friends, but I never learned how to let people really be a part of my life—that takes opening up and being more personal than I’m comfortable with.

Over the years I’ve been hurt by weak, broken, and failed relationships. So the risk of letting down my walls to connect with people has always felt dangerous. It took me a long time to admit this, but one of my deepest fears is not being enough for someone who’s important to me and being abandoned.

Recently I realized I sometimes experience this same fear of abandonment in my relationship with God.

When I read scriptures about how God is reliable, I believe them. Yet in the moment I need to trust Him, a sliver of fear hangs on and prevents me from trusting completely. President Thomas S. Monson (1927–2018) illustrates this feeling: “There may be times when you feel detached—even isolated—from the Giver of every good gift. You worry that you walk alone. Fear replaces faith.”¹

As I’ve studied the way fear affects my relationships, I’ve discovered a few truths that have helped me better respond to fear so I can have hope in and continually strengthen my relationship with Him and others.

The Importance of Trust

We all want secure, trusting relationships in life, especially with Heavenly Father. But sometimes fear can get in the way of allowing ourselves to open up to potential friendships, eternal companions, and even Heavenly Father. We can feel threatened by all sorts of things, but most of the time the biggest fear comes from the perception that others are pulling away from us—or that they will in the future.

I’ve seen myself become obsessive waiting for someone I like to text me back. I check my phone constantly, hoping they’ve responded—and feel anxious if they haven’t! Other times I irrationally decide that a dating relationship isn’t worth the emotional risk of being hurt or disappointed, so I end it. Both of these responses demonstrate a lot more fear-based reactions than trust.

Considering this, it makes sense that I would respond to God in similar ways when I’m not putting my full trust in Him but letting fear and doubt determine my actions. Yet as we learn in Proverbs, we can always “trust in the Lord with all [our] heart; and lean not unto [our] own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5).

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woman mingling with others

Setting Healthy Expectations

We can all develop more secure, healthy relationships, and one thing that helps me is setting realistic expectations. When both people in a relationship have realistic and honest expectations, they’re less likely to feel as though the other person’s actions (or inactions) are putting the relationship in jeopardy.

Sometimes we have faulty expectations for the way God will be involved in our lives. And those expectations are often why we may feel like we can’t trust Him—because He isn’t showing up the way we expect Him or want Him to. We may start to feel frustrated, insecure, or fearful that He isn’t there, that He doesn’t love us, or that He won’t keep His promises.

We may react with anxiety. Or start hinging our faith on the fulfillment of blessings we think we deserve or outcomes we think will be best for us. Or we may act avoidantly—we stop reading our scriptures or praying for His guidance because we’d rather rely on our own strength.

All these tendencies are barriers that prevent us from truly feeling and reciprocating Heavenly Father’s perfect love.

In these cases, we’re the ones who need to reevaluate our expectations and behavior. Instead of telling God how He’s supposed to show up for us, it’s more helpful to learn how He works. As Elder D. Todd Christofferson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles has taught, “It truly is folly for us with our mortal myopia to presume to judge God, to think, for example, ‘I’m not happy, so God must be doing something wrong.’”²

Covenants Build Trust

To develop trust in our relationship with Heavenly Father, we can turn to our covenants. Covenants explain clearly what He expects of us. As we strive diligently to uphold our end, we do our part to foster trust in this divine relationship.

Covenants are evidence that God loves and is committed to us—that nothing can separate us from Him or His love (see Romans 8:38–39) as we continue to seek Him and repent each day. When we see for ourselves that He keeps His promises to us as we keep ours to Him, we’re reassured that we can trust Him completely.

Recognizing God’s fulfillment of covenants takes observance, reflection, and faith. If you struggle to see Him in your life, consider these ways He’s promised to bless you as you make and keep covenants:

Relief from failure, sorrow, or regret³
“Greater knowledge of the Lord’s purposes and teachings”⁴
Strength against temptations⁵
“Increased hope, comfort, and peace”⁶
A closer and more powerful relationship with the Savior⁷
Strength to rise to our full potential⁸
Joy and spiritual promptings⁹
“Unlimited inspiration and motivation”¹⁰

As I intentionally look for these blessings, it has become obvious to me that God is always guiding me and keeping His promises as He has always promised. And that gives me the security to trust that He will be there for me when I need Him. “For he will fulfil all his promises which he shall make unto you, for he has fulfilled his promises which he has made unto our fathers” (Alma 37:17).

In my life, not all relationships have worked out. And broken relationships have made me afraid to try again. But I believe that we can all overcome our fears as we practice building trust and strive to understand the spiritual power that comes from our covenant relationship with God.

I have hope for finding an eternal companion one day and continuing to build wonderful relationships with others through what I’m learning about keeping my covenants with Him. As Elder Christofferson taught: “In the end, it is the blessing of a close and abiding relationship with the Father and the Son that we seek. It makes all the difference and is everlastingly worth the cost. … No matter what our mortal experience may entail, we can trust God and find joy in Him.”¹¹

As we continually hold fast to our covenants, we can feel the enabling security of mutual trust and perfect love in our relationship with Heavenly Father.

What does your relationship with God look like?

Try taking this self-assessment. Rate each statement on a scale of 1–5 (1 = never and 5 = almost always).

I trust that God loves me and wants what’s best for me, even when I’m experiencing trials.
I have faith that God has answered and will continue to answer my prayers.
I let go of all resentment toward God for dreams and goals of mine that have not been fulfilled.
I accept that God’s will is sometimes different from mine, so receiving an answer that’s different from the one I want does not mean trust is broken.
I believe that God will honor all the promises in my patriarchal blessing.
I stay close to God even when I don’t understand all His ways and teachings.
I turn to God for strength when I’m weak instead of trying to do things all by myself.
I know that God will show up for me in my moments of need.

If you feel like your relationship with Him could be stronger, try dedicating more time to understanding His nature and His promises and to keeping your covenants. Ask Heavenly Father what you can do to better fulfill your covenants. And take time to look for the ways that He blesses you in return.