“Understanding ‘Why?’” Liahona, Feb. 2023.
Young Adults
Understanding “Why?”
When I was hit with a terrible trial, I was angry and wanted to know the reason.
Some of us spend a lot of our lives asking “why?”
“Why did I come here?”
“Why do we have so many commandments?”
“Why does God allow bad things to happen?”
On my mission, a lot of people asked me these kinds of questions. And I always had an answer for them. I had faith in the gospel and knew that no matter what happened, God would be there for me.
Or at least I thought I did.
Fourteen months into my mission, I woke up one morning and something was wrong. I felt extremely dizzy and began tripping over my words. Every day after, things got worse. Life felt hazy. I was exhausted. I couldn’t hold conversations, read my scriptures, or exercise. Even just staying awake felt impossible.
Soon I was on a plane home earlier than I had planned. My mission ended so abruptly, and my plans for life weren’t going as I expected. I was suddenly asking the question that many had asked me on my mission:
Why did God let this happen to me?
A Lack of Answers
I searched for answers. I was sure I would go back on my mission because I still had so much left to do and learn! I had been faithful and obedient, so I had to be blessed for that, right? Every day I told myself that doctors would find a cure and I would go back. I prayed constantly. But over time, with no answers, I was forced to accept that my mission really was over.
Without answers, time passed like a dream. Nothing felt real. I always felt half asleep. My favorite hobbies were even impossible for me. I grew lost spiritually and turned away from God. In my pain I believed that I couldn’t return to the light. So I became comfortable in darkness.
But after months of darkness, a miracle happened, and a doctor diagnosed me with narcolepsy with cataplexy, which is an autoimmune disorder that damages the part of the brain that regulates the sleep and wake cycle.
My condition wasn’t curable, but we could at least treat my symptoms. And this answer was a ray of hope that also inspired me to find the light of Christ in my life again.
So, humbled, I said a sincere prayer and asked again,
Why did this happen to me?
And in my renewed hope, the Spirit told me that I already knew the answer.
Applying Truths to My Own Life
One of my favorite scriptures is Romans 8:28, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God.” All things—including challenges.
I knew this truth.
I had taught this many times on my mission. But I hadn’t applied it to my own life. I realized I had built up anger at God since I returned home early from my mission. I hadn’t found the peace He promises because I hadn’t allowed Him to offer me those blessings.
As President Russell M. Nelson has taught, “The joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives.”1
In my limited view, I had been resentful toward Him and didn’t want to be happy until my life went the way I wanted it to. But Heavenly Father reminded me that there was a higher purpose to my pain—to enable me to come unto Christ, be changed, and experience joy. After all, “Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy” (2 Nephi 2:25).
Elder D. Todd Christofferson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles has taught: “In the midst of this refiner’s fire, rather than get angry with God, get close to God. Call upon the Father in the name of the Son. Walk with Them in the Spirit, day by day. Allow Them over time to manifest Their fidelity to you. Come truly to know Them and truly to know yourself. Let God prevail.”2
I understand now that knowing that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are with us will not always remove the stings of this life. I still struggle with my illness. But trusting and loving Them will always give meaning to the seemingly meaningless pains and “whys” we endure. Every affliction, every disappointment, every pain can transform from a stinging blow into a lesson lovingly taught by our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.
As I continue to seek Them, They continue to teach me and offer me joy each day.
The author lives in Washington, USA.