From the Mission Field
Finding Hope When I Had Depression on My Mission
When I felt completely alone with my mental health struggles, I realized that God was with me the whole time.
“I feel like I am missing something in my life.”
This is something we commonly hear from people finding their way to the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. People aren’t aware of what that “something” is, but they notice its absence anyway. Missionaries can help these people find what will fill the hole in their lives.
And as a missionary in Arkansas, USA, I was missing something too.
Mental Health Struggles—Amplified
Even before my mission, I had struggled with anxiety and depression and had frequently attended therapy. But when I began my mission, those struggles were only amplified.
I put all I had into the mission, but I often found myself living moment to moment just to survive. I started therapy again on my mission, and the therapist was very kind. Still, near the end of my second transfer, after the continual decrease in my mental state, I had one particularly bad day.
That day, I allowed my mind to wander into a dark place, and I made the decision to take my own life. Although I had not reached out to God, I felt a calming presence come over me and the distinct impression in my mind that I should not take my own life. He had been listening to me, even when I had not been talking to Him, and He was ready to help.
Of course, my struggles didn’t end there. The calming presence of the Spirit didn’t last forever, but I had the courage to tell my mission president about my situation. After some counsel, we decided it would be best for me to return home to address my anxiety and depression.
What I’d Been Missing
When I returned home, I was angry and disappointed. I still wanted to be on my mission, and I felt that I had failed. My challenges with anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and depression required time, therapy, and support, and it wasn’t possible to address everything while on a teaching mission.
I started attending therapy weekly, and my therapist helped me to better understand myself and my faith. Since my therapist was also a member of the Church, he used both doctrine and the science behind therapy to help me learn, grow, and understand God’s love for me.
Another thing that really helped me after I returned home was following a suggestion that my companion had given me. He had told me to study the word hope.
As I studied, I began to see my understanding increase—and hope came with it. I found this quote from Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles:
“The adversary uses despair to bind hearts and minds in suffocating darkness. Despair drains from us all that is vibrant and joyful and leaves behind the empty remnants of what life was meant to be. …
“Hope, on the other hand, is like a beam of sunlight rising up and above the horizon of our present circumstances. It pierces the darkness with a brilliant dawn.”
As I reflected, I was able to see how despair had drained the joy from my life, and I also saw how joy had slowly returned. When I found hope and continued to study, many good things entered or reentered my life.
I learned that trials and troubles don’t just go away.
I learned that we all have unique challenges on the path to eternal life.
And most importantly, I learned that what I had been missing the whole time was hope.
Understanding Divine Patience
While I was out in the field, I testified to many people that it was important to have patience amid your trials. But I did not really understand how essential hope is to having patience.
In Alma 34:40–41, Alma says: “And now my beloved brethren, I would exhort you to have patience, and that ye bear with all manner of afflictions; … that ye have patience, and bear with those afflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions.”
If you do not have any hope that things will be better or that the trials will be for your own good, then how can you be patient? Hope is essential to patience. Without the hope of something good in the future, your patience will have no strength to draw upon.
Through hope and patience, I have been able to work through my trials and keep on going despite them. I’ve found joy and purpose in serving a service mission. I’ve learned to rely on Christ and His Atonement.
Life is still hard, but with hope, it’s easier than it ever was.