“Listen to Learn,” Eternal Marriage Student Manual (2003)
“Listen to Learn,” Eternal Marriage Student Manual
Listen to Learn
Elder Russell M. Nelson
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
In Conference Report, Apr. 1991, 27–28, 31; or Ensign, May 1991, 22–23, 25
Listen to Learn
In his invocation for this session of conference, Elder Hugh W. Pinnock prayed that we might listen carefully. Many articles in Church literature have dealt with the important art of listening.1 They support a proverb that teaches this vital lesson: “Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise” (Proverbs 19:20).2 Surely wisdom will come as we listen to learn from children, parents, partners, neighbors, Church leaders, and the Lord.
Children
Parents and teachers, learn to listen, then listen to learn from children. A wise father once said, “I do a greater amount of good when I listen to my children than when I talk to them.”3
When our youngest daughter was about four years of age, I came home from hospital duties quite late one evening. I found my dear wife to be very weary. I don’t know why. She only had nine children underfoot all day. So I offered to get our four-year-old ready for bed. I began to give the orders: “Take off your clothes; hang them up; put on your pajamas; brush your teeth; say your prayers” and so on, commanding in a manner befitting a tough sergeant in the army. Suddenly she cocked her head to one side, looked at me with a wistful eye, and said, “Daddy, do you own me?”
She taught me an important lesson. I was using coercive methods on this sweet soul. To rule children by force is the technique of Satan, not of the Savior. No, we don’t own our children. Our parental privilege is to love them, to lead them, and to let them go.
The time to listen is when someone needs to be heard. Children are naturally eager to share their experiences, which range from triumphs of delight to trials of distress. Are we as eager to listen? If they try to express their anguish, is it possible for us to listen openly to a shocking experience without going into a state of shock ourselves? Can we listen without interrupting and without making snap judgments that slam shut the door of dialogue? It can remain open with the soothing reassurance that we believe in them and understand their feelings. Adults should not pretend an experience did not happen just because they might wish otherwise.
Even silence can be misinterpreted. A story was written of “a little boy [who] looked up at his mother and said, ‘Why are you mad at me?’ She answered, ‘I’m not angry at you. What makes you say that?’ ‘Well, your hands are on your hips, and you are not saying anything.’”4
Parents with teenage youth may find that time for listening is often less convenient but more important when young people feel lonely or troubled. And when they seem to deserve favor least, they may need it most.
Wise parents and teachers, listen to learn from children.
Parents
Children of all ages, learn to listen, and listen to learn from parents, as Elder [Dallin H.] Oaks taught us this morning. Spiritually or physically, it can be a matter of life and death.
Several years ago I was invited to give an important lecture at a medical school in New York City. The night before the lecture, Sister Nelson and I were invited to dinner at the home of our host professor. There he proudly introduced us to an honor medical student—his beautiful daughter.
Some weeks later that professor telephoned me in an obvious state of grief. I asked, “What is the matter?”
“Remember our daughter whom you met at our home?”
“Of course,” I replied. “I’ll never forget such a stunning young lady.”
Then her father sobbed and said, “Last night she was killed in an automobile accident!” Trying to gain composure, he continued: “She asked permission to go to a dance with a certain young man. I didn’t have a good feeling about it. I told her so and asked her not to go. She asked, ‘Why?’ I simply told her that I was uneasy. She had always been an obedient daughter, but she said that if I could not give her a good reason to decline, she wanted to go. And so she did. At the dance, alcoholic beverages were served. Her escort drank a bit—we don’t know how much. While returning home, he was driving too fast, missed a turn, and careened through a guardrail into a reservoir below. They were both submerged and taken to their death.”
As I shared my feeling of sadness, he concluded: “My grief is made worse because I had the distinct feeling that trouble lay ahead. Why couldn’t I have been more persuasive?”
This experience will not have been in vain if others can listen and learn from it. Children, honor your parents,5 even when they cannot give a satisfactory explanation for their feelings. Please have faith in this scripture, which applies to all age-groups: “Hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother” (Proverbs 1:8).
Parents have a divine duty to teach their children to love the Lord.6 Children have an equal obligation to “obey [their] parents in the Lord” (Ephesians 6:1).7
Wise children, listen to learn from parents.
Partners
Husbands and wives, learn to listen, and listen to learn from one another. I was amused to read of an experience recorded by Elder F. Burton Howard in his biography of President Marion G. Romney: “His good-humored love for Ida was manifested in many ways. He delighted in telling of her hearing loss. ‘I once went to see a doctor about her hearing,’ he would say. ‘He asked me how bad it was, and I said I didn’t know. He told me to go home and find out. The doctor instructed me to go into a far room and speak to her. Then I should move nearer and nearer until she does hear. Following the doctor’s instructions, I spoke to her from the bedroom while she was in the kitchen—no answer. I moved nearer and spoke again—no answer. So I went right up to the door of the kitchen and said, “Ida, can you hear me?” She responded, “What is it, Marion—I’ve answered you three times.”’”8
Even with normal hearing, some couples seem not to listen to one another. Taking time to talk is essential to keep lines of communication intact. If marriage is a prime relationship in life, it deserves prime time! Yet less important appointments are often given priority, leaving only leftover moments for listening to precious partners.
Keeping the garden of marriage well cultivated and free from weeds of neglect requires the time and commitment of love. It is not only a pleasant privilege, it is a scriptural requirement with promise of eternal glory.9
Wise partners, listen to learn from one another. …
The wise listen to learn from the Lord. I testify of Him and certify that as we “hearken and … hear the voice of the Lord,” we will be blessed, “for the hour of his coming is nigh” (D&C 133:16–17), in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.