What If I Don’t Feel a “Spark” on a First Date?

By Niera Rel Juntilla-Surio

Focusing on the wrong things can make compatibility feel impossible to find.

a couple sitting on opposite sides of a bench and looking uncomfortable

The first time I went on a date with the man who would eventually become my husband, I didn’t feel a spark.

And I reacted how you’d probably expect—I assumed that meant we were incompatible, and I moved on.

But years later, after a series of events that I can only describe as divine intervention, we reconnected. And this time, we fell in love and got married.

So what happened? I’d heard from all my married friends and family members that I would “just know” when I met the right one, and I clearly didn’t on that first date.

A Missing Connection

To give you a little bit of background, my future husband and I met when he served his mission in my ward. Years later, he reached out over social media. We talked through texting and video calls, but he lived on a different island than me, so it was hard to meet up in person.

When we finally did meet to go on an official date, we’d been talking for about a year, and we had a lot of expectations for how this first date would go.

But we hadn’t seen each other in person for years, and truthfully, we both felt awkward.

Things didn’t feel as amazing or exciting as we’d been anticipating. So after I got back home, as I was busy with a new job and he was juggling life as a medical student, our communication just fizzled out. There was no magical connection, so why should I bother?

Three years passed, and he ended up doing his medical residency within a couple hours of where I lived—close enough that we were now in the same boundaries for YSA conferences.

I know this sounds crazy, but as I sat in the back of one of the conference events, I looked over and saw him. And suddenly, all I could see was him, and I felt this impression from the Spirit:

“He’s the right one.”

What?

I sat there, stunned. Why was I getting this answer now—after years had passed? And what was I supposed to do about it?

Turns out, even with an answer that clear and miraculous, we still needed to get to know each other. He asked me out again; I accepted. Then we kept going on more dates. And as we gave ourselves time to get to know each other instead of relying on an instantaneous connection, we developed something deep and real.

Some Questions to Consider

So what about that elusive spark?

Why wasn’t it there the first time?

If you don’t feel one on a first date, does that mean that any potential romantic relationship is doomed?

These are all good questions. And I don’t have the answers to all of them. But here are a few more questions to consider when you’re interested in someone but don’t necessarily feel an immediate connection:

Does this person motivate and inspire me to be the best version of myself?
Do I know what I’m truly looking for in a spouse?
Do I know my true worth as a child of God? And does this person recognize my worth?
Have I sought confirmation from the Spirit that this is a good person for me to date?

Elder Gerrit W. Gong of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught: “Become that which you seek. Look for someone with whom you can grow together. Grow together means each of you grows as an individual spiritually, intellectually, socially. But grow together also means you fulfill your full potential as you grow together as a couple and as a family.

Love Is More Than a Spark

I don’t want to downplay the desire for attraction and compatibility with your spouse. Of course you should seek someone you think is interesting, kind, attractive, funny, whatever attributes you feel will make life on the covenant path more joyful and wonderful.

But if you find yourself anxiously analyzing a first date, wondering if you felt the “right” things and what they all mean, remember that “God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7). If you trust that you have a sound mind and can receive personal revelation, you can slow down, fully understand your feelings, and take the time you need to decide if you can see a future with someone.

Real, true love is so much more than just a spark.