Liahona
Avoiding Your Feelings Is Not the Solution to Anger—Peacemaking Is
June 2025

From YA Weekly

Avoiding Your Feelings Is Not the Solution to Anger—Peacemaking Is

By Isabelle Justice

Church Magazines

I thought pushing away my feelings was the solution to being a peacemaker, but I couldn’t have been more wrong.

an illustration of an angry-looking woman holding her hands to her head

Growing up as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I wanted to make sure I avoided contention and anger at all costs.

The Savior taught: “Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away” (3 Nephi 11:30).

I did all I could to fight off any negative emotions. But as I got older, I was quick to anger and easily frustrated because of the feelings that sat inside me, unresolved and brewing.

Because of this, it felt truly impossible to avoid contention when conflict arose—especially when I thought it was wrong to feel the emotions bubbling up inside me.

I realized that I didn’t want to push away how I was really feeling. But I didn’t know how to deal with it without expressing my feelings in a contentious way.

So I wondered: Is there really a way to process anger in a healthy way?

The Real Solution to Anger

As I studied the scriptures and gospel resources for solutions, I learned four things that completely changed my perspective.

  1. Feelings of anger can indicate “that something is wrong and needs to be addressed.”

  2. Conflict resolution “is a healthy part of living that can build your faith, fortitude, character, and personal righteousness.”

  3. We can be peacemakers by approaching disagreements and hurt feelings with the intent to reconcile and follow the Savior’s example (see 3 Nephi 12:23–24).

  4. We can still feel pain and sorrow from our conflicts, and we do not need to reenter unhealthy circumstances to forgive fully.

As I studied these resources, I realized that avoiding my feelings wasn’t the answer to anger—the real solution involves charity, honesty, communication, and conflict resolution. And it’s possible to do all these things without contention, especially with the guidance of the Savior.

President Russell M. Nelson has said: “The pure love of Christ is the answer to the contention that ails us today. Charity propels us ‘to bear one another’s burdens’ [Mosiah 18:8] rather than heap burdens upon each other. The pure love of Christ allows us ‘to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things’ [Mosiah 18:9]—especially in tense situations.”

When I was honest with myself and others about how I was feeling, I could do away with contention by understanding my anger and choosing to show charity toward myself and toward those I disagreed with.

If you are in a situation where those around you are not willing to resolve a conflict or disagreement cordially, there are still things you can do to be a peacemaker. You can pray to Heavenly Father for guidance and choose to forgive. He can help you learn to understand the emotions behind your anger and set healthy boundaries for your relationships.

President Nelson reminds us: “Peacemaking is a choice. You have your agency to choose contention or reconciliation. I urge you to choose to be a peacemaker, now and always.”

Looking to the Savior

I found it helpful to remember that anger is often a secondary emotion—meaning it is usually an emotion that masks deeper emotions like hurt or embarrassment. The Church’s self-reliance course on emotional resilience teaches: “To manage your anger, identify the different emotions underlying it. It’s often easier to be angry than to deal with your real, underlying feelings.”

When I was angry, I learned to ask myself these questions:

  • “What is my unmet need in this situation?”

  • “How does this situation make me feel? What can I change?”

  • “How can I show this person mercy like the Savior would?”

Now when I feel anger, I reflect and give myself time alone to pray to Heavenly Father. This helps me let go of contention by being mindful and still and getting to the root of what is making me feel uneasy. When I share my underlying feelings with others, I am often able to resolve conflicts and feel more peace.

I am not perfect, but I know that these emotions are part of living an imperfect and mortal life. With the Savior’s help, I can learn to process those emotions in a positive, peaceful way.

We can look to the Savior for guidance as we continue to healthily process our emotions. We can use conflict as a catalyst for growth, not contention.

And He will be with us every step of the way.