“Light after the Darkness,” Ensign, September 2019
When one of my twin baby girls passed away after a month in the neonatal intensive care unit, grief overwhelmed me. I began wondering why my life had suddenly turned dark. I tried to find meaning in such a tragic event, especially since her twin sister was still in the hospital fighting for her life.
One evening as I was returning home from the hospital, I looked toward the lights from homes and buildings that dotted the mountains. Most of the lights looked the same from a distance, but one light shone distinctly from all the others—the Bountiful Utah Temple. The light from the temple warmed my heart and comforted me as I remembered the covenants I had made. This reassured me that one day I will hold my precious baby in my arms again and that she will always be mine.
A few days later, I found myself full of grief again. Remembering the sweet feeling of peace I had felt as I saw the temple, I looked out my window toward the mountains, but I could not find the temple. Everything on the mountains seemed to blend together. I realized that I could not find the temple because it was the middle of the day and sunny outside.
Tears ran down my cheeks when I thought that the light from the temple shone beautifully, but I was only able to see it clearly at night. This reminded me that when our lives are sunny and everything is going great, the gospel can blend with everything else and become part of the routine of our daily life. But when trials come and everything seems dark, the light of the gospel shines brighter and becomes more visible, reminding us of the purpose of our lives, the covenants we have made, and where we hope to live eternally with our families one day.
My grief did not disappear after that day. The pain is still there, and some days I feel sad and discouraged. But I now choose to focus on the light of the gospel and of our Savior. He understands my pain and can help me heal, if I only choose to look up and see the light.