For adult members of the Church who are single, the promise of celestial marriage—either now or in the eternities—brings great hope and comfort. Yet that promise doesn’t necessarily prevent feelings of anguish, worry, or confusion as well.
Many prophets have spoken of the promised blessing of marriage for adults who are single and who remain worthy of that covenant.1 For instance, President Russell M. Nelson taught: “Through no failing of their own, they deal with the trials of life alone. Be we all reminded that, in the Lord’s own way and time, no blessings will be withheld from His faithful Saints.”2
President M. Russell Ballard, Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, has also reminded us that while the blessing of celestial marriage is assured to the faithful, “the precise time and manner in which the blessings of exaltation are bestowed have not all been revealed.”3 Thus, an ongoing question can remain for those who are single: will the promise of marriage come in mortality or not? And with that question, some people may experience feelings of uncertainty, pain, and even a sense of intangible loss—the loss of becoming a spouse or parent by the time they’d hoped.
Through faith in and blessings from Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, those who are single can continue to find hope, strength, and joy as they wait upon the Lord for the promised blessings of celestial marriage.
Moving Forward amid an Intangible Loss
In mortality, we all suffer many types of loss and disappointment. Yet the loss of hopes and expectations that may or may not still come into our lives brings a level of uncertainty different from clearer losses. For example, deaths of loved ones, as challenging as they can be, are clear; this helps us to grieve and eventually heal over time. Yet other losses are less clear, noticeable, or time-bound. This can happen for those experiencing infertility or watching a family member’s dementia progress, for example. This can also happen for adults who are currently single when they hoped or expected to be married, especially those who have never married or never had children for whatever reason. Mental health professionals refer to this type of intangible loss as ambiguous loss because of its unclear nature.4
As someone who didn’t marry until my late 30s and as a therapist who has counseled with many people who are single (including Church members), I am familiar with how hard this type of uncertainty and loss can be, especially in a Church that rightfully emphasizes the restored doctrine of eternal marriage and families.
Many clients tell me that they wish they knew if they would ever marry in this life—even if they found out they wouldn’t marry in mortality, they could at least face it and move forward while anticipating those blessings in the future. It’s the uncertainty of this loss that creates an unknown about whether it’s better to hold on or move on.5 Common reactions to this type of loss include feelings of ambivalence, confusion, uncertainty, sadness, depression, anxiety, pain, loneliness, shame, resentment, anger, frustration, and grief.
Even the most resilient people who are single may struggle with the uncertainty surrounding a hoped-for marriage and family during mortality. In speaking to members of the Church who were single, President Gordon B. Hinckley (1910–2008) counseled: “I assure you that we are sensitive to the loneliness that many of you feel. Loneliness is a bitter and painful thing. … But there is also that which comes from Him who said, ‘I, even I, am he that comforteth you.’ (Isa. 51:12.)”6 Christ is our source of comfort and hope amid uncertainty.
This “waiting upon the Lord,” taught President Ballard, “implies continued obedience and spiritual progress toward Him. Waiting upon the Lord does not imply biding one’s time. You should never feel like you are in a waiting room. Waiting upon the Lord implies action.”7
“Waiting upon the Lord implies action.”
So, how can those who are single take action that will help them move forward with faith in Christ amid the pains of waiting for a marriage that may or may not happen during mortality? The following eight strategies can help increase your resiliency to not just survive being single but also thrive and live a fulfilling life.
various people seated and standing, with both empty and filled frames on the wall
1. Realize You Are Experiencing Ambiguous Loss
It’s helpful to realize that you’re experiencing a type of ambiguous loss and that you likely can’t easily resolve the confusion it brings. This awareness can help you normalize what you’re going through, whether that’s feeling ambivalence about being single, still hoping for marriage, wanting to give up on finding someone to marry, regretting not marrying someone, or wondering if something is wrong with you or potential partners. Understanding that you’re experiencing an ambiguous loss can provide some relief.
2. Acknowledge Multiple Perspectives as Valid
It’s important to allow for multiple perspectives of your experience to be true simultaneously. For instance:
- “I can both hold on to the hope of getting married and move forward with living my life in meaningful, enjoyable ways.”
- “I can both grieve not having a spouse right now and have hope that I may in the future.”
- “I can both value the relationships I have with friends and family and wish for a relationship with a spouse.”
- “I can both make efforts to meet my future spouse and believe that can depend on the Lord’s timing and others’ agency.”
3. Focus On What You Can Control
Be aware of what you can and can’t control. For example, you can control staying close to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and drawing strength through Them. You can prepare for and live worthy of a temple marriage, and you can search for the type of person you want to marry. You can’t control finding that person or having that person choose to marry you. When you understand what you can control and you accept what you can’t, you can decrease emotional suffering and increase your ability to tolerate distress. Pain is inevitable, but misery and suffering often come when we try to control things that are outside of our control rather than trusting God’s plans.8
Practice trusting God, especially with the things you cannot control (see Proverbs 3:5–7). Consider how being single while longing to be married can provide opportunities to grow. Elder Bruce C. Hafen, an emeritus General Authority Seventy, once taught: “Life’s problems never seem to cease, but trying hard to deal with the problems somehow makes you dig deep enough that you learn things you’d never understand without the digging. A happy life isn’t about getting what you want; it’s about the attitude you develop toward whatever happens to you, an attitude that lets you grow.”9
4. Nurture the Divine Desire for Marriage
The desire to marry can be a powerful source of hope, inspiration, and motivation. Choose to nurture the divine desire for marriage, even though longing for marriage when you’re single can be challenging and painful. You may be tempted to suppress the desire for marriage to ease the emotional challenges it brings; this can include thinking negatively about marriage and others (people you’ve dated, the opposite sex, and so on) or resigning yourself to staying single.
Intentionally exercising your God-given agency to nurture this divine desire for marriage—even though it can be a major source of heartache while you’re single—can feel empowering. Examples of how you might do this include:
- Thinking along the lines of “Because marriage is a righteous desire that I value, I’m choosing to hold out hope that I’ll get married in mortality, even though doing so is also choosing to continue to feel the disappointment and heartache of being single.”
- Choosing to do what you can to get married, such as meeting people and dating, even though doing so means you may feel rejected, discouraged, and fatigued at times.
Honoring the desire to be married while you’re not currently able to honor the commandment to be married is a meaningful way to show your commitment to follow the Savior on the covenant path.
woman holding a framed image of the Savior
5. Stay Actively Engaged in Your Eternal Progression
When you’re single, it’s easy to become overly focused on the role that marriage plays in our eternal progression. Yet you can still grow and progress in many ways. Our primary purpose in life is to become more like Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
True to the Faith instructs those who are single and desire to be married to “not give up hope. At the same time, do not allow yourself to become preoccupied with your goal. Instead, become anxiously engaged in worthwhile activities. Look for ways to serve in your extended family and in your community. Accept and magnify Church callings. Keep yourself clean, both physically and spiritually. Continue to learn and develop and progress in your personal life.”10 Develop Christlike attributes. Make and keep the sacred covenants you’re able to while you’re single. Take advantage of what your current circumstances have to offer you. Find joy in your journey. “By small and simple things are great things brought to pass” (Alma 37:6).
6. Strengthen Your Relationships
Meaningful relationships are a central part of mortality and the eternities. Cultivate your relationships with God and others.11 Practice having meaningful conversations. Share about your experiences. Listen to others. Manage conflict. Participate in uplifting activities. Recognize that your relationships are a powerful source of joy and provide ways to become more like Jesus Christ.
7. Understand Your True Identity
Being single may seem like the most defining aspect of your life, but it’s not your identity; it’s merely part of your current circumstance. Focus on your true identity as a child of God. President Nelson has taught: “You are literally spirit children of God. … I fear that you may have heard this truth so often that it sounds more like a slogan than divine truth. And yet, the way you think about who you really are affects almost every decision you will ever make.”12 Keep your divine identity at the core of how you define yourself.
8. Hold On to Hope
Hope is found in Jesus Christ and His Atonement (see Matthew 11:28–30; Mosiah 24:13–15).13 It’s an act of faith to remain hopeful despite uncertainty. President Ballard taught that hope in Christ “is essential to overcoming adversity, fostering spiritual resilience and strength, and coming to know that we are loved by our Eternal Father and that we are His children, who belong to His family.”14
Keep an eternal perspective that keeps being single in perspective. President Dallin H. Oaks, First Counselor in the First Presidency, taught: “Singleness, childlessness, death, and divorce frustrate ideals and postpone the fulfillment of promised blessings. … But these frustrations are only temporary. The Lord has promised that in the eternities no blessing will be denied his sons and daughters who keep the commandments, are true to their covenants, and desire what is right.”15
Just as believing in the restored doctrines of the plan of salvation can heighten the challenges of being single, you can find reassurance and hope through also believing in God’s plan, in your divine nature, and in eternal marriage for all who live worthy of this great blessing.
Notes
1. See Howard W. Hunter, “The Church Is for All People,” Ensign, June 1989, 76; Neil L. Andersen, “Children,” Liahona, Nov. 2011, 30. See also “Those Who Do Not Marry,” Eternal Marriage Student Manual (2003), 168.
2. Russell M. Nelson, “Celestial Marriage,” Liahona, Nov. 2008, 94.
3. M. Russell Ballard, “Hope in Christ,” Liahona, May 2021, 55; original emphasis removed.
4. See Pauline Boss, Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief (1999).
5. See Vinita Mehta, “4 Reasons Why Being Single Hurts So Much,” Psychology Today, Mar. 29, 2018, psychologytoday.com.
6. Gordon B. Hinckley, “To Single Adults,” Ensign, June 1989, 72, 74.
7. M. Russell Ballard, “Hope in Christ,” 55; original emphasis removed.
8. See Russell M. Nelson, “Let God Prevail,” Liahona, Nov. 2020, 21–22.
9. Bruce C. Hafen, Covenant Hearts: Why Marriage Matters and How to Make It Last (2013), 77.
10. True to the Faith: A Gospel Reference (2004), 99.
11. See Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “Of Things That Matter Most,” Liahona, Nov. 2010, 92.
12. Russell M. Nelson, “Choices for Eternity” (digital article), YA Weekly, May 2022, ChurchofJesusChrist.org
13. See also Russell M. Nelson, “Joy and Spiritual Survival,” Liahona, Nov. 2016, 81–84.
14. M. Russell Ballard, “Hope in Christ,” 54.
15. Dallin H. Oaks, “The Great Plan of Happiness,” Ensign, Nov. 1993, 75.