I Believe
How Realizing My Divine Identity Helped Me Find Faith Again
I felt conflicted and isolated. What was learning about my divine identity going to change?
I’ve grown up a member of the Church my entire life. But when I was younger, my dad and my older sister distanced themselves from the Church. My mom continued to attend church on Sunday, and I went with her, but it wasn’t easy. I looked up to my dad and my older sister a lot; I still do! But seeing them make the choices they did took a huge toll on my faith.
When I was about 17, I started to feel a lot of opposition, both from within my family and from the world. I was in a dark period where I just didn’t feel like I knew who I was. I didn’t know what my identity was, and I didn’t feel like I had a clear purpose.
I realized I needed to decide if I wanted to live as a disciple of Christ. So I started being more intentional with my scripture study and church attendance. Even though I felt conflicted and isolated as a member of the Church, in my heart I wanted to have faith.
Finding Purpose and Identity
As I started putting in the work to develop my testimony, I thought of my mother’s example. Every Sunday she would go to church, even if she sat alone. I asked myself, “Why does she do that? What’s her drive? Why does she keep going, even if nobody else does?”
As I turned to Heavenly Father, I gained a testimony of what Elder Alexander Dushku of the Seventy has taught: “The reality and power of one ray of testimony reinforces and combines with another, and then another, and another. Line upon line, precept upon precept, here a ray and there a ray—one small, treasured spiritual moment at a time—there grows up within us a core of light-filled, spiritual experiences. … Together [the rays] can become a light that the darkness of doubt cannot overcome.”
I realized if I put in the effort, I could rebuild my testimony. As I thought of the spiritual experiences in my life, I started to slowly recognize Heavenly Father’s hand in my life. I made more time to learn of Christ through the scriptures, I prayed more intentionally, and I looked for opportunities to serve as much as I could. I even read the Church magazines for articles to help me deepen my faith.
Eventually, I realized that He is always supporting me in my discipleship, just as He’s been there for my mother. I started to learn who I truly was: a daughter of Heavenly Father. Through deepening my relationship with Him, I found myself because I found purpose, identity, the joy of repentance, and the peace that the gospel offers.
And God has helped me accomplish far more than I ever thought possible, including serving a mission, living away from home, helping me in my studies at university, and guiding me in my career path. Most recently, He has guided me to become an FSY leader and called me to be a stake Young Women leader.
All these things are blessings that have come from being a part of the Church and living the gospel.
Unlocking Spiritual Power
I still occasionally feel alone. Returning to normal life after my mission was difficult. I’ve had to learn how to love and support my family even though they aren’t making decisions that I agree with. I’m still learning to forgive, and I’ve had to accept that others have their agency. All I can do is choose how I react to their choices and trust that God loves them and knows them just as much as He knows and loves me.
I’m always working on deepening my faith. If anything, my testimony needs more work to stay strong against the opposition and darkness that’s all around me. But finding God in all of this has helped me unlock spiritual power that I didn’t think I had.
I know that sometimes it might feel like everyone at church is flawless or that their testimony is unshakable. When I tell people about how God has blessed me, they often think that my life is perfect too. But every disciple has problems and “sorrow that the eye can’t see.”
Trusting that the Lord knows me helps me to continue forward, even if my family isn’t perfect.
If you’re struggling with feeling like you belong, or the opposition in your life feels too strong, ask God how He feels about you. Search the scriptures and learn what your true identity is. You’ll come to know, as I have, that you are a son or daughter of God and that He loves you. Turn to Him, and He’ll guide, strengthen, and comfort you through whatever you may be going through.