Life Skills
3 Steps to Work through When You Feel Like Giving Up on Dating
“There aren’t any good ones left.”
“I don’t think anyone would want me.”
“I’ve already cycled through everyone on the dating apps, and I’m discouraged by what I’ve seen.”
These are the words and thoughts of many in the dating pool these days.
I have often sat with clients, listening as they explain why they are thinking of giving up hope for love, romance, marriage in the temple, and raising a family with someone. Some find the effects of a past breakup or divorce to be too painful to try to date again. But for most, trying to date and find a companion with shared values, only for relationships not to work out, feels disappointing and discouraging.
If you are feeling stuck in a similar dilemma, I encourage you to consider working through the following three steps to help you maintain hope in the possibility of a future eternal marriage.
1. Show Yourself Love
To help yourself be at peace with being single, be the partner to yourself that you would want a spouse to be to you. Being a devoted spouse involves being interested in your spouse and supporting them. You’ve likely asked loved ones questions like “What are you doing this weekend?” or “What are your goals? How can I support you?” Taking interest in another person nurtures relationships and helps them feel cared for.
You can do the same for yourself. Ask yourself these same types of questions and ponder the answers. As I’ve seen my clients ask themselves these types of questions and show themselves love, I have watched them gain motivation to go back to graduate school, join an exercise class, leave a toxic work environment, attend the temple more often, or even take themselves out to a restaurant they’ve wanted to go to.
Ask Heavenly Father to give you courage to put yourself in good situations with good people. This may involve initiating dates, creating opportunities to get people together socially, or just being involved in things that you personally find meaningful.
As you work at bettering yourself, overcoming your weaknesses, and doing your best to deepen your relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, you will likely identify others in the dating pool who are doing the same thing.
As Elder Robert D. Hales (1932–2017) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught: “If you want to marry a wholesome, attractive, honest, happy, hardworking, spiritual person, be that kind of person. If you are that person and you are not married, be patient. Wait upon the Lord. I testify that the Lord knows your desires and loves you for your faithful devotion to Him.”1
2. Clarify Your Needs, Values, and Wants in a Partner
It can be painful to think about past relationships and focus on what went wrong. However, pondering these relationships can help you clarify what your values are in a future healthy relationship. In your journal or notepad, write these four headings and then, over time, fill in whatever comes to mind:
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Must-haves in a future spouse: These things should be well-established in their lives long before they meet you, not things you have to convince them to be.
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Prefer-to-haves in a future spouse: These things are nice but not crucial.
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Prefer-not-to-haves in a future spouse: These are things that would be easier to not have to deal with but won’t devastate the relationship.
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Must-not-haves in a future spouse: These are behaviors and actions in a spouse that would be very undesirable or devastating to you and your relationship.
3. Heal from Emotional Wounds
For better or for worse, we often define ourselves by and learn about ourselves through our relationships—romantic, familial, or platonic. All relationships affect us, but when some end, even civilly, it can still leave us with deep wounds. In fact, if we have had multiple dating relationships that didn’t work out, we might even start to believe deep down that we are not good enough or are undeserving of love.
Unfortunately, the fear and shame baked into these beliefs is not easy to let go of, even after a relationship is over. It’s hard to feel this kind of shame, face it, and then let it go.
If you are not sure where to start, ask Heavenly Father to help you see things from a new perspective. Learn about the healing power of Jesus Christ. President Russell M. Nelson taught: “Whatever questions or problems you have, the answer is always found in the life and teachings of Jesus Christ. Learn more about His Atonement, His love, His mercy, His doctrine, and His restored gospel of healing and progression.”2
If needed, consider reaching out to a qualified mental health professional to help you heal from past relationships and renew hope for future relationships.
Keep Moving Forward with Hope
I can relate to and understand the desire to give up on a long-held dream of finding love and creating an eternal partnership with a spouse. However, the more I meet with many wonderful and sincere people, the more I feel encouraged that there are many single adults out there who have the capacity to create safe and nurturing relationships.
For you, I believe that clarifying what that entails and then finding the courage to pursue such a relationship can make a world of difference as you seek love and fulfillment. No matter where life takes you, Heavenly Father will be with you—every step of the way.