From the Mission Field
Learning to Let Go of Perfectionism
When things felt out of control, I wanted to cling tighter. But then I learned to let go and put my trust in Christ.
“Help—I’m stuck!” Fear filled my body as I glanced down at the hard, gray floor. I was probably only 10 feet off the ground, but it seemed much higher. Gripping the handholds tighter, I tried to find a way to keep climbing up the man-made rock wall. My perfectionism kicked in and told me I needed to get to the top. But after enough time dangling halfway up the wall, I was convinced there was no way to keep going—and I started to panic. I glanced down at Olivia, my best friend, belaying me from the floor below.
Olivia looked at me, noticed my anxiety, and instructed, “Let go.”
“What?” My fingers clung even tighter to the handholds.
“Fall,” she said. “Just let go.” Terrified, I released my grip. Instead of plummeting to the ground as I’d anticipated, I stopped after dropping only a foot. Hanging in the air, I looked down to see Olivia smiling up at me. She was harnessed into the same rope I was; she kept me anchored.
After taking a rest, I was able to continue climbing. Eventually I reached the top, exulting in the feeling of accomplishment.
Falling Short of Perfection
A few years later, I entered the mission field, thrilled to be living my dream of serving a full-time mission. Every day I woke up, certain that if I did everything perfectly, we would see miracles. And we did. But along with the miracles came countless rejections that amplified a little voice in my head saying I wasn’t good enough.
That voice convinced me that my worth depended on my exact obedience, my companion’s happiness, and how many people I brought to baptism. It made me believe that because of my imperfections, God’s children in my area were kept from the blessings of the gospel.
In my last area, I served in a leadership position. I thought that by then, I should have already become my ideal vision of a missionary. The added pressure of this expectation began to dramatically affect my mental health.
It became harder to focus on the work and find joy in my service as the perfectionist voice in my head grew louder. Personal scripture study became a time of berating myself for my shortcomings as a disciple of Christ. I was certain I just needed to work harder and continued to cling tighter to my expectations for my mission.
Letting Christ Catch Me
Near the end of my mission, those feelings overwhelmed me, and I had a panic attack. I was convinced there was no way to keep going and believed I’d fallen beyond God’s grace.
I felt stuck in my past and terrified of my future.
And then I again heard someone tell me, “Let go.” This time it was my mission president. “Let go, give it to the Savior. Let Him carry it.” This simple yet profound advice started me on my path of healing. I had to choose to let go of my perfect mission and of my vision for my perfect life. So, I let go, hoping the Savior would be there to catch me.
I immediately felt His love. He became my anchor. My one constant. And I realized that no matter how far I felt I had fallen previously, the Savior had already “descended below all things” (Doctrine and Covenants 88:6). Jesus Christ already knew and understood perfectly.
I finished my mission and returned home, still searching for understanding and healing. I visited a counselor and felt relieved when he explained that the anxiety I had experienced was not my fault or a curse from God, but rather an effect of mortal life and imbalanced brain chemistry. I learned that I had OCD tendencies, which had led to my rigid obsession over obedience and the overwhelming negative self-talk. I learned how to better care for my physical and mental health and found comfort in the knowledge that because of Christ, one day, along with a resurrected body, I would receive a perfected brain.
Moving Onward—and Upward
I worried that I could never feel joy again, but God didn’t let me wallow in what I felt was the failure of my mission. He instead kept me moving and growing. I continued attending college and a year later was married in the temple. I realized that although I had served what I viewed as an imperfect mission, the Lord accepts and loves all our sacrifices (see Doctrine and Covenants 124:49).
I learned to better discern between the degrading voice of the adversary and the encouraging voice of the Spirit. While Satan will cause us to focus on our shortcomings and feel self-loathing, Christ invites us to instead let go and focus on His power to redeem us.
As I better understood how my worth was independent from my obedience or success as a missionary, I found motivation to keep the commandments as a way to show my love for God and not to earn His love. I began to find joy again in striving to come unto Christ through scripture study and church and temple attendance, remembering that it is only through Him that we will eventually achieve perfection.
Now, when I start feeling stuck and am not sure how to keep going, I hear the Spirit whisper, “Let go.” Whether it is in work, my marriage, or parenting, I often have to surrender control to Him because He knows better.
And every time I fall, every time I stumble, I know He is there to catch me. We must trust Christ enough to give Him our deepest insecurities and let Him guide us. Our Savior truly knows us, loves us, and will keep us anchored while He helps us keep climbing upward toward our heavenly home.