Life Skills
Managing Unrealistic Expectations
When unrealistic expectations are replaced with hope, you can find joy in your life and relationships.
There’s a saying that goes, “Expectations are premeditated resentments.”
“Wait, what?” you might think. “Aren’t expectations a good thing?”
President Gordon B. Hinckley (1910–2008) once quoted columnist Jenkins Lloyd Jones, who said:
“Anyone who imagines that bliss … is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed.
“[The fact is] … most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. …
“Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.
“The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”1
I used to think that I had a right to expect people to act a certain way or do certain things. That it was fine to expect things to turn out exactly how I wanted.
However, unrealistic expectations help open the door to resentment and disappointment. Still don’t believe me? Let’s explore this idea further.
The Pitfall of Expectations
Expectations are when you imagine in your mind how something will turn out or how someone will act and assume that you’re correct. We all have conscious or subconscious expectations about almost everyone and every situation in life.
But anticipating that every detail in life will turn out exactly how you want generally leads to discouragement and disappointment. I’m not saying it’s bad to have standards about things like how people treat you or to trust in the knowledge that God will keep His promises! But creating unrealistic expectations for mortal people and situations can set yourself up for frustration.
When unfulfilled or unhealthy expectations involve other people not behaving the way you expect them to, these feelings can also lead to resentment.
Rethinking Expectations
Rethinking your expectations doesn’t mean that you can’t look forward to anything ever again. In fact, God commands us to look forward to the blessings we receive from Him (see Ether 12:32). But if we can reframe our thinking about the future and look forward with hope and not expectations, we will find much more joy and gratitude in life. Here are a few examples:
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Either give voice to your expectations or let them go. When I moved back home for a few months over the summer, I had expectations that the friends I had made at college would find ways to communicate with me, and that we would still be involved in one another’s lives. I would get sad when they didn’t respond to my texts or reach out to me. And instead of realizing that my friends were probably busy and that I shouldn’t take everything personally, I would automatically fall back on my unhealthy expectation that they were only good friends if they talked to me. I soon realized that it was selfish and unfair to believe this—especially because I hadn’t talked to my friends about what I expected.
My expectations for my friends only led to sadness because they could never live up to my unspoken desires. It was unfair of me to expect perfect scenarios when they had so many things going on in their lives, just as I did. As soon as I dropped my unrealistic expectations, I was much happier, and our relationships were healthier.
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Don’t put time limits on your expectations. I used to think I’d be married before I graduated from college. While this expectation of timing proved to be false, it doesn’t mean I’ll never get married. Now, instead of living with the expectation that I need to be married by a certain age, I have hope that I’ll eventually meet a wonderful partner at the perfect time for me. This way of thinking can also be applied to finishing school, finding a job, reaching milestones in your relationships, or even receiving answers to prayers.
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Accept people for who they are. Expecting people to be exactly how you think they should be, rather than who they are, may breed resentment. Rarely will someone live up to your ideal. I like having a clean sink with no dirty dishes, and I expect others I live with to respect that. I’ve had roommates and companions who didn’t care about a few dirty dishes but were great at keeping other areas clean. I had to learn to appreciate and accept how they cleaned the house, regardless of my preferences. Instead of resenting someone for not following your rulebook, you can learn to appreciate them for who they are—a perfectly imperfect person with strengths, weaknesses, and preferences all their own.
Hope is a happy optimism from God that allows us to wish for a better world (see Ether 12:4) but doesn’t tie our happiness or well-being to a single outcome or person. When we have hope, we can overcome disappointments by trusting that a better world and better things are coming.
Instead of expecting yourself and everyone to be perfect today, you can hope in and rely on the Atonement of Jesus Christ, through which everyone can be perfected someday.
Hope Brings Joy
President James E. Faust (1920–2007), former Second Counselor in the First Presidency, taught:
“Hope is the anchor of our souls. …
“Hope is trust in God’s promises, faith that if we act now, the desired blessings will be fulfilled in the future. …
“The unfailing source of our hope is that we are sons and daughters of God and that His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, saved us from death.”2
When you don’t hold yourself or others to unhealthy and unrealistic expectations, you can learn to love and accept anything that comes your way. And when you look to the future and toward others with “a perfect brightness of hope” (2 Nephi 31:20) instead of unrealistic expectations, you will find joy and fulfillment in all aspects of life.