Family Resources
Session Four: Overcoming Anger


“Session Four: Overcoming Anger,” Strengthening Marriage: Instructor’s Guide (2006), 32–45

“Session Four,” Strengthening Marriage, 32–45

Session Four

Overcoming Anger

“Who can calculate the wounds inflicted, their depth and pain, by harsh and mean words spoken in anger?”

President Gordon B. Hinckley

Session Objectives

During this session, help participants:

  • Understand the problems and personal costs of anger.

  • Understand emotional and biological factors that influence anger.

  • Understand ways to overcome anger.

The Problem with Anger

President Gordon B. Hinckley taught that “temper is a vicious and corrosive thing that destroys affection and casts out love.”1

Some people find that expressing their anger is satisfying and exhilarating. They feel powerful and superior when they intimidate others. However, anger damages those who give into it. Few people like to be around those who are angry.

The scriptures warn against anger. David instructed the Israelites to “cease from anger, and forsake wrath” (Psalm 37:8). In Proverbs, it is taught that “he that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city” (Proverbs 16:32). The writer of Ecclesiastes wrote, “Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools” (Ecclesiastes 7:9).

During his mortal ministry, the Savior prophesied that in the last days “many … shall hate one another” and “because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold” (Matthew 24:10, 12). He taught the Nephites:

“The spirit of contention … is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.

“Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away” (3 Nephi 11:29–30).

Nephi prophesied that in our day Satan “shall rage in the hearts of the children of men, and stir them up to anger against that which is good” (2 Nephi 28:20). A partial fulfillment of that prophecy is seen in abusive acts perpetrated by husbands against wives, wives against husbands, and parents against children.

The real costs of venting anger at friends, family members, and others are greater than people often think. Elder Lynn G. Robbins of the Seventy described anger as the “thought-sin that leads to hostile feelings or behavior. It is the detonator of road rage on the freeway, flare-ups in the sports arena, and domestic violence in homes.”2

President Hinckley repeatedly admonished members of the Church, particularly priesthood holders, to control their anger, warning that those who cannot control their anger lose spiritual power: “Any man who is a tyrant in his own home is unworthy of the priesthood. He cannot be a fit instrument in the hands of the Lord when he does not show respect and kindness and love toward the companion of his choice. Likewise, any man who … cannot control his temper … will find the power of his priesthood nullified.”3

Getting angry may help individuals achieve an immediate goal, but the long-term consequences far outweigh any benefits. Costs include the following:

  • Loss of the Spirit

  • Loss of respect (for self and from others) and of friendship and cooperation from others

  • Loss of self-confidence

  • Guilt

  • Loneliness

  • Strained relationships

  • Physical, emotional, and spiritual damage to self and others

  • Children who no longer believe what parents teach

  • Legal action and the loss of personal freedom

  • Divorce

  • Lost jobs

Anger also causes or worsens health problems such as ulcers, headaches, heart problems, backaches, and high blood pressure. These health problems often occur when people deal with anger in unhealthy ways for prolonged periods of time.

Kinds, Causes, and Expressions of Anger

Some individuals use anger to intimidate and control others, to feel superior, and to avoid dealing with problems and responsibilities. Anger may also stem from pride and selfishness, such as when a person fails to get his or her way, and from a lack of meekness or patience in the face of provocation. Some individuals become angry when feeling frustrated, hurt, or disappointed.

Some individuals become angry almost without thinking in response to a perceived provocation. This kind of anger is often difficult to control because it occurs so quickly. In other situations, anger builds slowly as an individual perceives ongoing threats, injustice, or mistreatment or experiences a series of provocations. A threat may be physical or emotional. For example, the person may fear bodily harm, humiliation, or loss of esteem to self or others. In all these cases, becoming angry is a choice.

Perceptions of threat or endangerment are often distorted, exaggerated, or imagined. Too often, anger results when a person wrongly judges the intent of others: “He is trying to hurt me”; “She is keeping me from getting what I want”; “He doesn’t care about my feelings”; “She is using me.”

When individuals perceive a threat and respond to someone in anger, their bodies prepare for action. Their blood pressure increases, their muscles tense, their respiration increases, and their minds focus on eliminating the threat or mistreatment. This state of readiness may be released in a single, explosive verbal or physical response to a perceived threat. Or anger-provoking thoughts might increase over time until at last a person explodes in anger, sometimes over a minor situation or event that he or she would normally disregard.

Anger is often expressed in three unhealthy ways–through aggression, internalization, or passive-aggressive behavior.

Aggression. Anger is expressed through:

  • Physical violence (hitting, biting, kicking, battering, hair pulling, pinching, slapping, destroying property).

  • Emotional and verbal abuse (yelling, name calling, swearing, threatening, blaming, ridiculing, arguing, provoking, intimidating, manipulating, demeaning).

  • Sexual abuse (rape, incest, molestation, sexual harassment).

Internalization. Anger is directed toward the self, leading to self-denigration, depression, or self-damaging acts (drinking, drug use, suicide attempts, self-mutilation).

Passive-aggressive behavior. Anger is expressed through indirect actions (tardiness, irresponsibility, stubbornness, sarcasm, dishonesty, irritability, discontentment, criticism, procrastination).

Awareness of distorted perceptions and the physical changes that accompany them provides important keys to controlling anger. The best time for a person to interrupt the anger cycle is upon first noticing an increase in stress. The person can then seek additional information about the perceived threat or injustice, coming to understand it more clearly.

A better understanding may reduce the perception of danger, decreasing the possibility of an angry outcome. Before stress builds, the individual can consider more productive ways to respond to the threat or injustice, a response that will resolve the problem rather than cause it to escalate.

A person who is stressed can also avoid situations that are likely to provoke more stress until he or she is more relaxed and in control. Then the person can work to resolve the situation without anger.

Living without Anger

Elder Wayne S. Peterson of the Seventy explained how the example of the Savior can inspire members of the Church to control their anger and other emotional responses:

“Christ set a perfect example of maintaining emotional control in every setting. Appearing before Caiaphas and Pilate, He was buffeted, slapped, spat upon, and mocked by His tormentors (see Matthew 26; Luke 23). The great irony was that they demeaned their Creator, whose suffering was undertaken out of love for them.

“In the face of this unjust abuse, Jesus maintained His composure, refusing to act unkindly. Even on the cross, in the midst of that unspeakable agony, His plea was, ‘Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do’ (Luke 23:34).

“He expects the same of us. To those who would follow Him, He said, ‘By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another’ (John 13:35).”4

The following principles have helped many individuals overcome anger problems.

Identify Your Anger Cycle

Angry, violent behavior tends to be cyclical, and the cycle usually repeats again and again. Psychologists have given differing names to phases of the anger cycle, but the essential elements are the same. Anger-management specialists Murray Cullen and Robert Freeman-Longo have described the cycle summarized below.5 People are most successful at attempts to control anger during early phases of the cycle, before the physiological build-up occurs.

Pretends-to-Be-Normal Phase. Life runs smoothly, but anger lurks beneath the surface, affecting the way the person lives and thinks. Events or situations readily trigger habitual, distorted patterns of thinking. The person rationalizes and justifies these distortions.

Build-up Phase. As the person focuses on the distorted thoughts, he or she feels threatened physically or emotionally and begins to react angrily. The person’s thoughts replay familiar themes such as “She is so controlling” or “I do all the work around here.” Physical cues indicate the person is becoming angry (tension, stiffness, tightness, pounding heart, rapid breathing, upset stomach, or a hot or flushed feeling). The person fantasizes about and makes plans for acting out the anger and may engage in addictive behavior that feeds the anger (drug and alcohol abuse, overeating, overworking).

Acting-out Phase. Anger is vented on others through yelling at them, demeaning them, or physically or sexually assaulting them. Or it may be turned inward through self-denigration, suicide attempts, or alcohol or drug abuse.

Downward-Spiral Phase. The person feels guilt and shame. Defenses emerge, and the person tries to cover the anger by doing something generically good to prove that he or she is a good person. The person resolves to control his or her temper. As resolve breaks down, the person cycles back to the “pretends-to-be-normal” phase.

Keep an Anger Log

When individuals analyze the circumstances in which they become angry and how they react to that anger, they can learn to deal with their anger more effectively. One way they can learn more about their anger is to keep an anger log. After an episode of anger, they can write the triggering event or person, the date, and the intensity of their anger on a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being mild and 10 severe. They should also record the thoughts feeding their anger, how they dealt with the anger (their success or failure in controlling it), what seemed to help, and what they could do better next time. As they keep an anger log, their awareness of their anger cycle will increase. They can then interrupt anger in the early stages by using the principles taught in this session.6

Defuse Anger-Provoking Thoughts

Mental health professionals have repeatedly emphasized that events in life do not affect people negatively; rather, it is the way that people think about those events that produces the negative effect. Many individuals suffer needlessly because they think about life’s challenges in distorted, negative ways. For example, a person makes a critical comment that is intended to be helpful. The listener catastrophically misinterprets the comment: “He thinks I’m stupid. He’s trying to humiliate me and make me look bad. I’m not going to let him get away with that.” Thoughts create feelings, and feelings influence behavior. Individuals distress themselves and suffer greatly because of inaccurate thinking.

In The Feeling Good Handbook, psychiatrist David Burns identifies common ways that people think inaccurately.7 They include:

  • All-or-nothing thinking. (“I used to think he was a decent man. But today, he showed his true colors.”)

  • Jumping to conclusions. (“All she cares about is herself. My feelings are irrelevant.”)

  • Discounting positive experiences while dwelling on negative experiences. (“Did you see the way he turned on me? And after all we’ve been through together. He doesn’t care about me.”)

A common theme in these examples is distorted thinking that leads to emotional distress and anger. To control their anger, individuals can look for alternate explanations for the things that provoke their temper. They can challenge distorted thinking by trying to see the precipitating event as a neutral observer would see it. What would a camera record of the anger-provoking incident? Would a camera document the harsh interpretation of events made by the angry person? Usually it would not.

Another way to challenge distorted thinking is to try to view the situation from the other person’s perspective. For example, the person who cuts in front of others in traffic may be late for an appointment. Empathy and charity are effective in preventing an angry response. Individuals can also ask themselves these two questions:

  • “What evidence is there that my negative thoughts are accurate?”

  • “What evidence is there that these thoughts are not accurate?”

As individuals ask themselves these two questions, they usually find little evidence to support a negative interpretation and considerable evidence that a negative interpretation of events is not accurate. When individuals evaluate and correct their thinking in this way, they tend to calm down and accept others more readily.

On those infrequent occasions when negative interpretations are accurate, individuals still need to find better ways to respond than through anger. If attempts to resolve the problem do not work, individuals can follow the Savior’s admonition to “love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you” (Matthew 5:44).

Individuals can think of difficult situations as problems that need to be resolved or as opportunities, not as threatening events that demand a dramatic response. Raymond Novaco of the University of California at Irvine recommended the use of coping statements to defuse anger-provoking thoughts.8 Such statements could include: “I’m not going to gain anything by getting mad. If I get angry, I’ll pay a price I don’t want.” Husbands and wives can rehearse these statements mentally when they are not angry so the statements are available to them when a need arises.

Get Out of Anger-Provoking Situations

As anger increases and chemicals build in the body, the ability to reason and to control behavior decreases. It may help individuals to imagine a thermometer that measures their anger level. If they lose control at 80 degrees, they can learn to get out of the situation before it gets that hot. If they need to leave a situation, they can tell the other person, “I’m getting angry. I need some time to cool down.”

A prearranged signal to stop the discussion is helpful, such as the T (time-out) sign used in athletic events. Both partners must agree to honor the signal once it is given. Time-outs will be successful if both partners can count on finishing the discussion later. Along with the time-out, a wife or husband can suggest a time to resume the discussion, such as in 30 minutes or two hours or on the next day.

Identify Activities That Calm You Down

Many kinds of activities can help individuals calm down when they begin to get angry. Relaxing activities include meditating, working, jogging, swimming, listening to music, reading a book, or praying. Husbands and wives should take care not to vent their anger or to brood over the incident or incidents associated with it. If they brood or vent, their anger will most likely escalate. If they mentally review the incident again and again, they will most likely continue to exaggerate the situation. Those who vent do the same, justifying in their minds the violent expression of their anger.

To control their anger, individuals can follow the counsel of President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, who suggested that undesirable thoughts be replaced with sacred music: “As the music begins and as the words form in your thoughts, the unworthy [thoughts] will slip shamefully away. It will change the whole mood on the stage of your mind. Because [the music] is uplifting and clean, the baser thoughts will disappear. For while virtue, by choice, will not associate with filth, evil cannot tolerate the presence of light.”9

Share Underlying Feelings

Anger is often expressed in place of feelings of hurt, fear, embarrassment, or rejection. Some individuals are hesitant to share these feelings, fearing they will show weakness or vulnerability. When they share underlying feelings, however, they often find it easier to resolve conflicts. Other people will be less defensive and more willing to work out problems.

The feelings that underlie anger, such as hurt and fear, are often tender and closely related to a person’s sense of worth and well-being. Many people believe it is safer to be angry than to show those emotions. However, when people honestly share how they are affected by the actions of others, they often find that others respond in a better way and that conflicts are more readily resolved. Anger often subsides and relationships become stronger, as shown in this example:

Beth and Mark

Whenever Beth attended meetings away from home, she dreaded Mark’s angry response. After taking the Strengthening Marriage class, Mark began to share underlying feelings that were connected to his anger. “I’m afraid you’ll develop a relationship with someone else, and that you’ll leave me, like my mother did to my father,” he confided. Beth responded by assuring Mark of her complete fidelity. Mark felt reassured, and he supported her future activities.

Individuals need to use good judgment in sharing underlying feelings. For example, a person may be confronted by someone who enjoys inflicting emotional or physical punishment. Sharing one’s pain may only encourage further abuse. Nevertheless, there are better ways of responding than to retaliate in anger. The Savior’s admonition to “love your enemies” (Matthew 5:44) has already been mentioned. In some cases, it is best to walk away from a confrontation.

Seek Spiritual Change

The process of coming unto Christ involves a spiritual transformation that results in peaceful, loving behavior. Elder Marvin J. Ashton of the Quorum of the Twelve explained that when we become truly converted “the way we treat others becomes increasingly filled with patience, kindness, a gentle acceptance, and a desire to play a positive role in their lives.”10

The Book of Mormon describes a “mighty change” of heart that comes through conversion and discipleship–a disposition to “do good continually” (Mosiah 5:2). Paul describes the fruits of the Spirit as “love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance” (Galatians 5:22–23). President Ezra Taft Benson promised that change comes through following the Savior: “When you choose to follow Christ, you choose to be changed. … Can human hearts be changed? Why, of course! It happens every day in the great missionary work of the Church. It is one of the most widespread of Christ’s modern miracles. If it hasn’t happened to you–it should.”11

Elder L. Whitney Clayton of the Seventy taught that fasting can help those who are seeking to change their basic nature: “We also must remember that genuine fasting fosters strong faith. This is especially important as we faithfully seek to fix deeply embedded character flaws which go ‘not out but by prayer and fasting’ (Matthew 17:21; see also Mark 9:29).”12

Prevent Relapse

Relapse prevention is the process of disrupting the anger cycle by changing thoughts and behavior and by using other intervention strategies that the person discovers. Intervention strategies provide alternatives to anger build-up. Relapse prevention and intervention strategies may involve help from family, friends, coworkers, bishop, or course instructor. Relapse prevention usually works best during the first two phases of the anger cycle: the pretends-to-be-normal and build-up phases. The person learns to recognize and respond to risk factors (events or emotions that trigger anger) in ways that disrupt the cycle and prevent relapse. The following is an example of how a person may prevent relapse.

Pretends-to-be-Normal Phase

The person recognizes his or her anger problem but manages it in a healthy way. He or she is aware of anger triggers and uses strategies to cope or escape, such as avoiding high-risk situations, relaxing, and taking time-out. The person actively works to resolve the conflicts and problems leading to anger.13

Build-Up Phase and Use of Interventions

The person uses new coping strategies to limit anger level and intensity. He or she corrects and replaces negative thoughts with positive statements (“I can handle this” or “I can find other solutions to this problem”). He or she acknowledges the painful feelings underneath the anger and recognizes that these feelings are normal. The person stops addictive behaviors, including fantasizing about acting out the behavior and planning to vent angry feelings. He or she discusses the problems or, if the situation is unchangeable, writes about them. The person releases energy through physical activities and builds self-confidence by doing something he or she enjoys. The person strives for spiritual rebirth.14

The Peace of God

The Apostle Paul wrote of “the peace of God, which passeth all understanding” (Philippians 4:7). Those who have struggled with and successfully overcome anger know how liberating it is to feel peace and freedom from this emotion. As one person described it, “I used to walk around feeling like I wanted to hurt everyone I saw. Anger dominated my life. As I applied gospel principles and as I learned to think differently and to view others in a better way, my anger went away. Now I can enjoy being around others. I have my life back again.”

Notes

  1. In Conference Report, Apr. 1991, 97; or Ensign, May 1991, 74.

  2. In Conference Report, Apr. 1998, 106; or Ensign, May 1998, 80–81.

  3. In Conference Report, Oct. 2001, 65; or Ensign, Nov. 2001, 52.

  4. In Conference Report, Oct. 2001, 103; or Ensign, Nov. 2001, 84.

  5. See Men and Anger: Understanding and Managing Your Anger (Holyoke, Massachusetts: NEARI Press, 2004), 67–70. ISBN# 1-929657-12-9.

  6. Adapted from anger log by Cullen and Freeman-Longo, Men and Anger, 31–32.

  7. The Feeling Good Handbook, revised edition (New York: Plume, 1999), 8–9.

  8. See Raymond Novaco, Anger Control: The Development and Evaluation of an Experimental Treatment (Lexington, Massachusetts: Lexington Books, 1975), 7, 95–96.

  9. In Conference Report, Oct. 1973, 24; or Ensign, Jan. 1974, 28.

  10. In Conference Report, Apr. 1992, 26; or Ensign, May 1992, 20.

  11. In Conference Report, Oct. 1985, 4; or Ensign, Nov. 1985, 5.

  12. In Conference Report, Oct. 2001, 34; or Ensign, Nov. 2001, 29.

  13. See Men and Anger, 70–71.

  14. See Men and Anger, 72–74.

Identifying My Anger Cycle

Describe the typical situations that trigger your anger (for example, spouse argues with me; bank account is overdrawn; house is in disarray):

Describe the thoughts or justifications that feed your anger (for example, my spouse doesn’t care about anyone but herself; my husband is totally irresponsible):

Describe the feelings underlying your anger (for example, disrespected, used, ignored):

Describe the physical cues that indicate you are getting angry (for example, sweaty palms, rapid heart rate, tenseness, irritability):

Describe what you do that feeds your anger (for example, dwelling on the offense, refusing to talk about it, drinking alcohol):

Describe how you act out your anger (including your worst behavior):

Describe your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors after acting out your anger (for example, relief, guilt, sorrow, contrition):

Sample Anger Log

Information Requested

Situation A

Situation B

Date and triggering event or person:

10/19 Argument with husband.

10/20 Kids misbehaving.

Intensity of my anger:

Mild

Severe

Mild

Severe

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

Thoughts feeding my anger:

He’s a jerk. Doesn’t care about me.

Kids never listen. Don’t respect me.

Feelings underlying my anger:

Unloved, ignored, unappreciated.

Used, ignored.

How I dealt with my anger:

Screamed at him. Called him a jerk.

Calmly told them to go to their room until they could behave.

Self-talk in dealing with anger:

He deserves to be punished. He hurt me. I’m only paying him back.

They were just being children. They weren’t trying to defy me.

Success in controlling my anger:

None

Great

None

Great

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

What seemed to help:

Nothing I did helped. What I did made it worse.

Took a time out. Went for a walk, and then talked with the kids.

Suppressed, vented, or resolved anger:

Suppressed feelings after my outburst.

Talked out my frustrations.

What I’ll do better next time:

Not react. Calm down before I talk.

Nothing. I did well this time.

Adapted from Murray Cullen and Robert E. Freeman-Longo, Men and Anger: Understanding and Managing Your Anger (Holyoke, Massachusettes: NEARI Press, 2004), 33–34. ISBN# 1-929657-12-9.

Anger Log

Information Requested

Situation A

Situation B

Date and triggering event or person:

Intensity of my anger:

Mild

Severe

Mild

Severe

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

Thoughts feeding my anger:

Feelings underlying my anger:

How I dealt with my anger:

Self-talk in dealing with anger:

Success in controlling my anger:

None

Great

None

Great

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

What seemed to help:

Suppressed, vented, or resolved anger:

What I’ll do better next time:

Adapted from Murray Cullen and Robert E. Freeman-Longo, Men and Anger: Understanding and Managing Your Anger (Holyoke, Massachusettes: NEARI Press, 2004), 33–34, 117. ISBN# 1-929657-12-9.

My Relapse Prevention Plan

Normal Phase

Anger Triggers:

Coping or Escape Strategies:

Actions to Solve Problems Leading to Anger:

Build-Up Phase and Use of Interventions

Anger Triggers:

Coping or Escape Strategies: