“Session Five: Resolving Conflict,” Strengthening Marriage: Instructor’s Guide (2006), 46–53
“Session Five,” Strengthening Marriage, 46–53
Session Five
Resolving Conflict
“He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention.”
Session Objectives
During this session, help participants:
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Understand that differences in marriage are normal and that resolving conflicts can strengthen relationships and build faith, fortitude, and character.
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Know how to apply a three-phase model for resolving conflict.
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Understand rules for discussing problems so that differences can be resolved.
Finding Solutions to Differences of Opinion
Elder Joe J. Christensen of the Seventy observed: “Any intelligent couple will have differences of opinion. Our challenge is to be sure that we know how to resolve them. That is part of the process of making a good marriage better.”1
Elder Robert E. Wells of the Seventy noted that since husbands and wives have diverse backgrounds and experiences, they are bound to have differences: “But being different doesn’t necessarily mean that one person is right and the other is wrong–or that one way is better than another. … Even though there may be differences of opinion, habit, or background, husbands and wives can have ‘their hearts knit together in unity and in love one towards another’ (Mosiah 18:21).”2
Differences between spouses can be beneficial when the couple love one another and learn to work together; their interests and abilities become complementary, and the couple can accomplish much more than either could do alone.
Unfortunately, many couples fail to resolve differences amicably. Deborah Tannen, an educator and author, described Western civilization as an “argument culture” in which citizens are encouraged to view others from an “adversarial frame of mind.”3 The results are cynicism, lawsuits, and courts filled with people seeking resolution for their conflicts.
Left unresolved, differences can escalate into major conflict, as evidenced by national divorce statistics, which show that nearly half of U.S. marriages end in divorce. If marriages full of unresolved conflict do not end in divorce, they often lead to many other problems, including unhappiness, discontent, depression, and separation.
Divorce and conflict have consequences that often affect children throughout their lives. Linda Waite of the University of Chicago and coauthor Maggie Gallagher report: “Children raised in single-parent households are, on average, more likely to be poor, to have health problems and psychological disorders, to commit crimes and exhibit other conduct disorders, have somewhat poorer relationships with both family and peers, and as adults eventually get fewer years of education and enjoy less stable marriages and lower occupational statuses than children whose parents got and stayed married.”4
Successful Resolution of Conflict
Successful resolution of conflict involves avoiding selfishness, finding a common ground, and focusing on similarities rather than differences. Resolution also requires good communication skills, cooperation, and the desire to find mutually acceptable solutions to problems. Resolving conflict, while sometimes painful, is a healthy part of living that can build faith, fortitude, character, and personal righteousness.
Elder Loren C. Dunn of the Seventy declared: “There is a need for us, perhaps more than ever before, to reach within ourselves and allow the quality of mutual respect, mingled with charity and forgiveness, to influence our actions with one another; to be able to disagree without becoming disagreeable; to lower our voices and build on common ground with the realization that once the storm has passed, we will still have to live with one another.”5
The gospel teaches us to avoid contention. The Lord commanded, “Be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine” (D&C 38:27). He taught the Nephites that the devil is the source of contention: “There shall be no disputations among you. … He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another” (3 Nephi 11:28–29).
To be unified, couples must resist the impulse to be contentious; they must learn to reconcile conflict in an amicable way. Some conflicts are resolved when one person chooses not to react to a provocation, or when a person apologizes and makes a needed behavioral change. This change often motivates the other person to want to change as well. Many conflicts can be resolved when both spouses focus more on trying to understand each other and less on changing each other.
Scriptural Guidelines
The scriptures provide guidelines for preventing and resolving conflict. King Benjamin cautioned his people to avoid contention: “O my people, beware lest there shall arise contentions among you” (Mosiah 2:32). Alma identified love as a virtue that can prevent contention. He taught that “every man should love his neighbor as himself, that there should be no contention” (Mosiah 23:15). The Lord commanded His followers to “cease to contend one with another” (D&C 136:23) and asked that they “be one” as He and the Father are one (John 17:11).
Conversion to the gospel also brings peace and harmony. Following the Savior’s ministry to the Nephites and Lamanites, “the people were all converted unto the Lord … and there were no contentions and disputations among them … because of the love of God which did dwell in the hearts of the people. And there were no envyings, nor strifes, nor tumults, … and surely there could not be a happier people among all the people who had been created by the hand of God” (4 Nephi 1:2, 15–16).
Husbands and wives who are truly converted–who strive to love one another and promote each other’s well-being–will more readily resolve the differences that come into their lives.
A Model for Resolving Conflict
The following conflict-resolution model, adapted from the work of psychologist Susan Heitler, can help couples resolve conflicts in an amicable and productive way.6 It will help them identify solutions that satisfy both husband and wife.
This three-phase model has the following characteristics:
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It is based on communication and on sharing perspectives, which is a key to solving problems.
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It is cooperative rather than competitive, evasive, coercive, or antagonistic.
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It addresses all concerns and therefore leads to an outcome that is acceptable to everyone.
Phase One–Express Views
In this phase, husband and wife fully state their views regarding the conflict. For example, John may say, “I want to handle our finances–budget the money, pay the bills, balance the checkbook.” Jan may say, “I want to manage our money. I have the time and the ability.” The husband and wife listen respectfully to each other’s views.
Sometimes when the couple clearly share their perspectives, they discover that their wants do not really conflict. The perceived conflict was merely a result of misunderstanding.
If each spouse’s commitment to his or her preferences is strong enough, and the positions still seem to conflict, the couple may deadlock at this level over seemingly incompatible positions. In the example above, neither John nor Jan may be willing to relinquish control over the money. When a deadlock occurs, the couple moves to the next phase of the conflict-resolution model.
Phase Two–Explore Concerns
The couple explores the concerns that underlie their positions–their feelings, wishes, fears, memories, likes, dislikes, and values. The focus is on understanding and accepting the other person’s concerns and on explaining one’s own concerns clearly.
As they explore their underlying concerns, couples often find that many of their values, thoughts, feelings, and desires are similar and compatible. In the example of John and Jan, John does not want to depend on Jan to handle the finances; he is afraid of losing control over their economic well-being. Jan does not want to give John complete control over their finances because she believes financial management is one of her strengths. Both value independence as well as interdependence. Both were reared in homes where one parent dominated financial matters and the other parent felt left out.
During this phase, opposition gives way to cooperation. Instead of viewing each other as opponents, the couple think of themselves as members of the same team who are exploring the roots of a relationship problem.
When this phase is successful, the husband and wife have broadened the frame of the problem from “what I want” and “what you want” to “what we would like.” They assume that any concern of one is important to the other. While their positions conflict, their underlying concerns can be different and yet compatible. Their empathy generally increases when they come to understand and appreciate each other’s fears, hurts, and desires. Sometimes a solution will become obvious when both have verbalized their underlying concerns.
If concerns seem incompatible and resolution is not forthcoming, the couple may need to explore the concerns in greater depth. Good communication skills are important. Criticism, defensiveness, or other argumentative stances halt the process of collaborative problem solving. By contrast, tactfulness, listening to understand each other, affection, laughter, and mutual goodwill facilitate movement toward mutual understanding and solutions from which both spouses benefit. Couples can review session 2 for information on communicating effectively.
Phase Three–Select Mutually Satisfying Solutions
Sometimes an acceptable solution will become obvious as the couple thoroughly explore their underlying concerns together. If a solution is not evident, the couple can brainstorm possibilities, writing down every idea that comes to mind. Then they can look for the solution that best addresses the most important concerns and modify or augment the solution until it has components to meet the concerns of each person.
Each person focuses on what he or she can do to address the most important concerns rather than trying to determine what the other person can do. Susan Heitler calls this process of developing a solution “building a solution set rather than simply … finding a or the solution.”7
Once they have reached a solution, the couple will benefit from asking themselves whether any aspect of the problem still feels unresolved.8 If they feel unsettled about the solution or if they are unable to come up with an acceptable solution, the couple can repeat phase two, taking more time to explore the underlying concerns. Then as they repeat phase three, they will likely find an acceptable solution.
Finding a solution can be surprisingly easy if the couple have thoroughly and cooperatively explored their underlying concerns. Even when options are limited, the couple can arrive at a solution that seems best or fair to both.
In the example of John and Jan, they both agreed to budget their income together and divide responsibility for paying bills. They decided to consult each other before spending money on nonbudgeted items. They agreed to evaluate their plan at the end of the month.
Conflict resolution often does not occur in orderly sequence from phase one to phase three. A couple may need to move their discussion back and forth between all three stages.
Rules for Discussing Problems
Rules for discussing problems have been provided on page 53 to help couples successfully use the conflict resolution model. Participants have a copy of the rules in their books, but you may want to make copies for easy reference as class participants learn these skills or for those who may have forgotten their books.
Review and discuss the rules as a class before you have couples practice the conflict-resolution model. If class members have questions about any of these rules, you can review the principles taught in session 2, as necessary.
Harmonious Relationships
Individuals can find beauty in marriage as they strive to abide by gospel principles, as they work diligently to resolve disagreements and conflict, and as they strive to promote each other’s happiness and well-being.
President Gordon B. Hinckley taught:
“There is no other arrangement that meets the divine purposes of the Almighty. Man and woman are His creations. Their duality is His design. Their complementary relationships and functions are fundamental to His purposes. One is incomplete without the other. …
“The cure for most marital troubles does not lie in divorce. It lies in repentance and forgiveness, in expressions of kindness and concern. It is to be found in application of the Golden Rule.”9
President Hinckley also explained:
“Marriage is beautiful when beauty is looked for and cultivated. … I can show you throughout this church hundreds of thousands of families who make it work with love and peace, discipline and honesty, concern and unselfishness.
“There must be recognition on the part of both husband and wife of the solemnity and sanctity of marriage and of the God-given design behind it.
“There must be a willingness to overlook small faults, to forgive, and then to forget.
“There must be a holding of one’s tongue. Temper is a vicious and corrosive thing that destroys affection and casts out love. …
“There must be the Spirit of God, invited and worked for, nurtured and strengthened. There must be recognition of the fact that each is a child of God–father, mother, son, and daughter, each with a divine birthright–and also recognition of the fact that when we offend one of these, we offend our Father in Heaven.”10
Rules for Discussing Problems
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Decide on a time and place to talk. Don’t begin until you both feel ready.
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Stay on topic. If needed, write down your points of view (phase one of the model) and keep them in front of you. It’s easy to get sidetracked.
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Seek to understand instead of argue. Both of you will lose if you seek to win an argument.
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Let your spouse talk. Both of you should have an equal chance to talk without interruption.
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Speak softly. You and your spouse can more easily share thoughts and feelings in a stable, noncombative, calm environment. When voices are quiet, you are more likely to hear and feel the promptings of the Holy Ghost.
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Take a break, if necessary. If tempers flare, take a time-out, agreeing on a time to resume the discussion once tempers have cooled.
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Be kind. Do not attack your spouse’s weaknesses or sensitive “hot spots.”
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Use appropriate language. Profanity and name-calling are offensive, demeaning, and abusive. They impede the conflict-resolution process.
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Discuss current issues. Don’t dredge up the past. Past issues should only be discussed if they are part of an ongoing unresolved problem.
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Do not use violence. Violent behavior is destructive and contrary to gospel principles.
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Do not threaten divorce or separation. Such threats have provoked individuals into taking actions they later regret.
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Seek spiritual help. As you earnestly pray for assistance, the Lord will direct your efforts, soften hearts, and help you find solutions.
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Rest and try again. If you cannot solve a problem by using the model, agree to set the problem aside temporarily. Schedule a time to resume working on it with renewed energy.
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Find measurable solutions. For example, a solution such as “I’ll initiate family prayer and you’ll initiate scripture study” is both measurable and observable.
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Plan the implementation of the solution. Decide who will do what, when it will be done, and how often it will be done.
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Agree on reminders. Agree on whether reminders are needed, who will give them, and how they will be given.
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Plan for exceptions. Plan ahead how you will deal with circumstances that interfere with the solution.
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Reevaluate and revise. Set a day and time to reevaluate your solution, making revisions if needed.