“Ricardo’s Story,” Same-Sex Attraction: Member Stories (2020)
“Ricardo’s Story,” Same-Sex Attraction: Member Stories
Ricardo’s Story
Ricardo’s Personal Story
Ricardo: My name is Ricardo. I am a Latter-day Saint. I’m a father of six children, and I am attracted to men. I have to say that my life has always been trying to figure out the whole picture of things. I remember as a child I was always driven to art; that was my escape: creating things. The friends that I knew or kids in school would be playing soccer or things like that, but I didn’t feel completely connected there. I actually remember the very first time my father had me go to his bedroom and he told me, “Watch your mannerisms. You need to be more manly about the way you talk. You need to do these other things that boys do.” And after he talked to me, I just went to my room and started crying. I couldn’t understand what was the big deal about being me and myself.
I did what every Latter-day Saint boy is supposed to do: you get the priesthood, you pass the sacrament, you go on a mission. I did that, but I never really completely felt whole. After I served a mission for the Church for two years, I came to the United States to pursue a degree in graphic design, and during that time, that’s when I met my wife, and from day one I was always really genuinely attracted to her.
Elizabeth: The first time I met Ricardo I had just moved into an apartment. It was my senior year in college, and I didn’t think anything, and then he asked me out and we progressed from there.
Ricardo: There was just something really impressive about her, and I liked how I felt around her. I thought to myself, I want that; I want to feel that all the time. And as we began dating more seriously, I felt that it was important to share with her that I had thoughts and feelings towards men, but I didn’t flat-out tell her, “I’m attracted to men.” I was scared to death to tell her that.
Elizabeth: Yeah, that was a surprise; it was a shock. I wasn’t expecting that. I don’t think anyone expects something like that, but I know the kind of person he is, and it didn’t change my feelings for him. I still loved him and still wanted to pursue our relationship.
Ricardo: I know a lot of people might ask, “Well, how is that you said that you’re attracted to your wife, when you said you’re attracted to men?” I’ve got to say that I don’t really have an explanation for that; all that I can say is that’s how I’m wired. A few years ago I was hired as a creative director for the Church, and at a meeting at work I met a fellow coworker there that is openly gay. And I was very, very impressed with how confident he was to talk about his same-sex attraction in a nonshameful way. I remember we went to lunch and I began to share things, and it was really great to be able to talk to someone that I could relate to—somebody that could help me and find support and somebody that would help me to understand more about myself because he himself experienced the same thing.
I really was experiencing that full-on awakening in my soul and my heart, and as I’ve been going through this experience, I started putting the pieces together on this picture that is my life, and I began to create a great network of friends and support.
Elizabeth: He started making friends and going to firesides, and he would come back really happy and energized that he said that he was just feeling more even, but by the summer I was kind of tired. He was texting a lot and planning things, which was good for him, and I was happy for him, but at the same time I didn’t feel number one.
Ricardo: She said she was happy that I was more confident, more calm, more at peace, but she felt literally like a single mom because I’m working so many hours, get home, and then his friends call me or text me or whatever, and she is needing my time and attention, and I did not realize how much time that was taking from my family and my wife. We were not walking in this journey together, and what I agreed to do was to get home and put away my cell phone, dedicate my time to the kids and to her, and that really helped.
Elizabeth: I think it took a good four months after him being really open and honest about it all and him being more involved in making healthy male connections with other men, but I just needed a balance in our lives.
Ricardo: Looking back on all the images that make up my life, I started to see more of a defined picture. When I can see God at the center of it and I can see myself reaching out, really out of spiritual thorns that I experienced before. This whole picture of being gay and a Latter-day Saint really has a different meaning for me now. Before, the mere fact that I had those attractions always made me feel really disconnected to God and to the Savior, but it was just my perception of myself and how I saw myself in relationship to the Savior. I never felt complete worthy of Him. That’s the liberating part: being able to talk to people that I love about this, to get their support, to talk to my wife; just to be myself has been the most amazing thing. That I don’t have to be perfect, that I can actually acknowledge an attraction and move on with my life, but there is power on getting things out of the shadows and allow the light of Christ to touch them and heal them. It’s like completing the picture; it’s like reaching out, moving up towards the light. It’s not a lonely journey. I will say that it’s a family journey; it’s a community journey. The support from my bishop, my wife, the support from my close friends at work and coworkers, as I feel their love and support in my life through them, I feel the love and support from God.
The attractions aren’t going to go away. They’re going to be there my whole life, but I don’t feel that I’m losing anything in my life. To me, that’s being authentic; it’s finding that core happiness within you. And, for me, it’s important that that core happiness is aligned with my beliefs and the gospel. That’s what has worked for me.
Ricardo’s Story Continued
Opening up isn’t always easy. It’s complicated, and it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there. This year has been significant because I finally acknowledged that I am attracted to men. I always felt it but never really understood it, nor did I know how to live authentically. Embracing this might be difficult for some Latter-day Saints to understand. It can seem as if by embracing my same-sex attraction, I am breaking a commandment. For me, nothing can be further from the truth. That understanding and authenticity have brought peace to my life.
Let me share with you my story to illustrate how my SSA has turned from something painful and shaming into a blessing. Yes, it is a blessing!
I am happy to know in my heart that my SSA does not define me as a person or as a son of God. It has provided me with tools that allow me to bless others as I follow the Savior.
My journey began when I was four years old. I was born and raised in Mexico City, the oldest of five kids. I grew up in a crowded place with little privacy, with lots of extended family and visitors coming and going.
Two men who happened to be living with us sexually abused me by making it seem like child’s play. At that age, I couldn’t understand what was happening. I just remember feeling connected to them through all the sensations they provoked in me. It was extremely powerful and confusing for me. It was not aggressive; on the contrary, they gave me candy and attention.
The attention was something that I craved and welcomed. Unfortunately, it was something that altered my soul and affected how I connected with and perceived men throughout my life. I’m not sure if this event was the root of my physical attractions to men, but it contributed to feelings and habits that haunted me for years afterward.
Debating the root of my feelings does not matter to me. The important thing for me is that now I can understand how this experience affected the way I saw myself as a man and as a son of God.
I always felt conflicted with my feelings of worthiness. I grew up in shame for over 40 years of my life! Fortunately, I did grow up in a loving home. I have always been active in the Church. That has really helped me and brought me hope. With that said, I always felt unworthy of the Savior.
Growing up, I felt as though I had a different perspective and appreciation of things. I loved drawing, being creative, and understanding and appreciating beauty and the aesthetics of everything around me. I remember that I made dresses for my sisters’ dolls that I designed using paper napkins. They loved them! Of course, I had to do that away from my father’s eye. More than once my father would tell me to speak in a more manly way, to play soccer, to have a girlfriend, and to be interested in boy things. This often led to tears, as I didn’t get why it was such a big deal. I wasn’t harming anyone. I know he told me these things out of love, but his comments would only further my shame and cause me to feel more different. I think that’s why I never felt safe to talk with him about my SSA feelings until now. My father was very loving and still is, but I never felt a strong connection with him, which is something we are working on.
At school I would notice attractive boys as well as some girls, but this conflict tormented me. It was a conflict I kept secret, hidden in layers of walls that I built to protect myself.
One of those protective layers was food. At one point in my life, I weighed over 300 pounds. I did not feel attractive or confident and felt very insecure in my relationships with both men and women. This struggle also wounded my soul. I knew the Savior was there for me, but I did not know how to reach Him. The only thing that gave me courage was to visualize myself being carried by the Savior.
I attended college in the U.S., and there I struggled to know what I was feeling, especially for other men I became close with. One in particular left a hole in my soul when he left on a mission. I remember thinking and telling myself, “What in the world is going on with me? Why am I feeling this way?” I knew I needed help, but I didn’t know where to start. I got the courage to speak to a college therapist. He helped me deal with the sexual abuse, which was hard enough, but I was not ready to talk about my same-sex attraction.
By the time I was 27 years old, I began to feel I needed a larger purpose in life. I was so afraid to even consider getting married. I honestly thought I was going to be single forever. I asked Heavenly Father to help me follow the Spirit and identify the person I was supposed to marry. Shortly after that, I met my wife. I vividly remember the day we met. I felt attraction toward her from day one. She looked happy, beautiful, and confident. She also had peace in her countenance; I wanted that peace in my life too.
We began dating. At times it was emotionally hard to be with my girlfriend at a public place and find some men attractive. I hated those feelings. I felt hopeless, unworthy of her and of God. When my sweetheart and I started formalizing our relationship, I told her about my sexual abuse and my feelings for men. At the time, I didn’t have the words or the tools to explain effectively what I was feeling.
She said she was sad that I had to go through this alone, but it didn’t affect how she felt about me. However, she didn’t know to what extent my SSA had affected me. She said she loved me as I am, and the Spirit confirmed to her through personal revelation that I was the man she was to marry. We got engaged and were married in the Oakland California Temple.
I can say that throughout my life, I always felt that I needed to stay close to the Lord as best I could. I felt, deep inside of me, that my life had a purpose regardless of my trials. Believing in this purpose gave me hope. But it wasn’t until my mid-40s that my healing process began.
It was a meeting at work that would change my life for the better. A fellow employee brought up his experience with same-sex attraction during our meeting. I remember seeing and feeling so much confidence emanating from him. He was neither apologetic nor ashamed of it. He stood tall and spoke about it as if it was no big deal. I saw a lot of peace in his eyes, and I thought, “I want that peace. I want that freedom to be myself and not apologize for something that I did not choose.”
For the first time in my life, I was sitting across from someone I could relate to. We went to lunch, and it was great to talk with someone who understood what I was going through. We developed a friendship as I slowly began to open up and feel his support.
It has been scary to be so open about something I’ve kept secret my whole life. Yet as I have become more authentic, my confidence has soared. The response from people around me has been loving, supportive, and understanding. Some even show a sincere desire to learn more.
I’ve found that as I share my story, the Spirit is there to testify. It seems to touch hearts and minds as we come to understand that we are all children of God. No matter what we deal with, we are all worthy of the Atonement. For that I am extremely blessed.
My wife’s support has been vital in my progress. This new awareness and authenticity have changed the dynamics of our marriage. It has been challenging at times. We’ve had to learn to communicate better. We realize that neither of us can fulfill each other’s every need. It has been an adjustment for both of us as I have developed friendships to support me in my journey. She is happy that I have an enhanced confidence but has also reminded me that she needs to know she’s number one in my life. I did not realize I had changed so much through this experience.
I really needed to help her join me on my journey and make sure that she felt loved, needed, attractive, and safe.
My wife is my biggest supporter and the love of my life. She is the only one that I have built an unbreakable, eternal bond with that no one else can break. It takes work, communication, understanding, and balance as we walk through this together. Our marriage is evolving; we strengthen each other by being more authentic and true. The key to our marriage’s strength is making the Savior the center of our lives.
My journey continues. I don’t have it all figured out, but I know this new awareness, my authenticity, and my relationship with the Savior are helping us. It is great to feel worthy of the Savior’s Atonement and not feel tormented by my same-sex attraction anymore. I can see myself for who I am: a son of God, a true man worthy of the blessings of eternal life. I now realize that nothing is broken or defective or needs to be fixed in my heart and soul.
I can say that I am experiencing the promise made to Moroni in Ether 12:27: “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”
I always loved that scripture and desperately wanted to apply it to my life, but I couldn’t figure out how to convert this weakness into blessings. Now I understand that my SSA does not have to be a weakness.
I understand now that through these experiences, I have grown and can help further the Lord’s work. His Spirit is always with me.
It has been worth it to have the courage to open up. It definitely has been!
Elizabeth’s Story: Ricardo’s Wife
Elizabeth knew Ricardo was the man she was supposed to marry. Their marriage hasn’t been perfect, but they are both better because of it. One of their struggles has been Ricardo’s experience with same-sex attraction. The difficult process of coming to understand how to best love and support each other has been excruciating at times, but by relying on the Atonement and keeping lines of communication open, they’ve grown together.
I was born and raised in California in a Latter-day Saint family. I grew up with five brothers. When I was very young, I knew that when I married, I didn’t want to marry someone who reminded me of my brothers. Ricardo does not remind me of any of my brothers.
I met Ricardo in the summer of 1997. I was beginning my senior year in college with the goal of graduating the following spring in statistics. I was so focused on graduating that when I met Ricardo, I didn’t think anything, really. He was just my roommate’s friend. One night he came over to see my roommate, who was an international student, just like Ricardo. I was in the kitchen preparing my dinner and working on my math homework at the kitchen table. Since we had conversed a few times, I felt comfortable with him staying, and I actually invited him to eat dinner with me that night. It was great talking and getting to know each other. That evening while Ricardo was talking, I had a very special experience. I received personal revelation from our Father in Heaven that Ricardo was the man I was going to marry.
I had never experienced something so profound in my life! At the time, I did not say anything to anyone. That night, Ricardo asked me out for our first date. After that night I looked at him in a whole new way.
We slowly got to know each other over the course of that summer. By the start of fall semester, we became boyfriend and girlfriend. Shortly after it became official, Ricardo said he wanted to tell me something important as we were getting dinner ready together in my apartment. That was when he told me about the sexual abuse he experienced when he was a little boy between the ages of four and five. He did not get into any specifics at that time. All that he told me was that he had these thoughts and feelings and sometimes nightmares. I felt sad for him that this had happened. This did not change my feelings for him. I expressed my sympathy and assured him that sharing what happened to him did not change my feelings for him. He didn’t reveal any more details, and I did not ask. I felt privileged that he felt comfortable enough to open up to me over a very tender and difficult subject.
Marriage quickly entered our conversations. Ricardo proposed to me one night late in January of 1998. We were engaged for about six and a half months. During that time, we took a marriage prep class together at BYU, I graduated, and he completed an internship for about two months in New York City. We were sealed in the Oakland California Temple late that summer.
We quickly started our family and now have six beautiful children. During these years, I still had no clue about his same-sex attractions, nor had I ever heard of that term. There were long stretches of time where he wouldn’t talk about those thoughts and feelings that he mentioned at the beginning of our relationship. He might occasionally mention that he had a bad dream, but that was it. I really had no clue how ashamed he felt during all those years. We were always active in church and busy raising our family. Whenever we went to the temple, he would say that I would make it to the celestial kingdom and he would not. I did not understand where those comments were coming from.
He’s loving and hardworking and has always fulfilled his duties as a husband and a father. I had no idea about his same-sex attraction and how ashamed he felt because of those attractions.
I felt he should not feel so negative. Whenever he voiced that concern, I told him that the abuse was not his fault, so therefore, in my opinion, those thoughts and feelings were not his fault.
Over time, we tried labeling but never felt comfortable. The term gay has a negative connotation with most Christian faiths, as does the term bisexual. At the beginning of 2015, Ricardo met a coworker who was open about his SSA and happily married with four children. That was when Ricardo reached out to a support group and started making new friends. Through these associations, he has been able to feel the Atonement working in his life. He no longer feels shame when it comes to his same-sex attractions.
I am so happy that he finally feels whole and he can see where he fits in God’s eternal plan for him and with us as a family.
Having said that, this new awakening in Ricardo also brought some conflict in our marriage. We both had a lot of questions and felt that we did not have all the answers. Ricardo started making new friends, especially those who deal with SSA. It started off well but has been a difficult journey for both of us.
One thing that has really helped me support Ricardo as he began this journey was my parents’ counsel, when I was growing up, to marry my best friend.
So when Ricardo and I talk about different issues related to his SSA, I try to listen as his best friend and not a jealous wife. We also have tried to create a safe environment for us to talk about our thoughts and feelings.
I like to listen and not judge every single passing comment. I know that it is important for him to voice his opinions, experiences, frustrations, attractions, and thoughts with me so that he can move on to other topics. Many times he just needs me to listen, and I do not necessarily have to fix anything.
One thing I heard in our marriage prep class in college that I will always remember is that “a great spouse can only fulfill up to 80 percent of their partner’s needs.” That helps me realize that I don’t have to be an expert or a therapist. I just need to show him love and respect.
For a while I felt included in Ricardo’s journey. But as time went on, I began to feel replaced. He was texting a lot when he came home at night after being gone 10 hours at work. Either I would have to leave after a quick dinner to fulfill my Church calling, or he would leave to fulfill his Church calling. For a couple of months he was going to a support group once a week. So by Friday, I was tired and ready for a break. It got to be hard for me with all the focus on his new SSA friends. I felt like he wasn’t present for me and for the kids when he was home. I sometimes felt like a single mom, having to get six kids up and ready for school—driving them where they needed to be, working on Cub Scouting and Faith in God, making sure their homework was getting done, doing the laundry, cooking and cleaning, and then getting them ready for bed. The cycle repeated itself constantly, and I wasn’t getting enough sleep. So I did a lot of crying when everyone was at school and Ricardo was at work. One time he finally “got the message” because I emailed him while he was out with friends. We talked for hours, and he said he would drop everything for me. It took a lot of communication, understanding, educating ourselves, helping him to remove the shame he’d had all his life, making commitments, and, most of all, always sharing everything with each other.
Eventually I finally felt like I was number one with him. When he agreed to put away his cell phone when he got home for a couple of hours and be present for the kids and me, that made a big difference. He also promised to give me 10 minutes of his undivided attention after the kids went to bed. He is still working on that. Life is very busy for the two of us, but I have seen that he has made an effort to make me feel safe, loved, attractive, and important in his life. We constantly talk and communicate. We do not leave anything to guesswork.
On one occasion, while I was talking to a wife of an SSA man in the community, she mentioned to me that she would rather have her husband talking to her than to someone else about his SSA because he’ll find someone to talk to and get support from.
I think as wives of husbands who deal with SSA, we have a unique position. We can either be that good support and help our husbands find a solid foundation in Christ, or we can distance ourselves and lose out on an opportunity to draw our marriage, our spouse, and ourselves closer together and to our Savior.
It is truly a very humbling experience. We are no better than our husbands, and they are no better than us.
It does not matter what circumstances or difficulties we face. No marriage will be able to thrive unless the couple can stand united with love and full commitment to those sacred obligations made in the temple.
Ricardo is very vocal in telling me on a daily basis how much he loves me. I never have to guess how he is feeling. I feel very blessed to have a husband like him.
I know that for me and for him, our marriage thrives when we have our one-on-one time and we keep our lines of communication open along with expressions of love. I love him!
Mark’s Story: Ricardo’s Bishop
Mark has been more than Ricardo’s bishop; he’s also been a friend and confidant, which is why he’s so grateful that Ricardo had enough confidence to share his story about same-sex attraction with him.
There are many wonderful people that I have had the opportunity to serve with over the years. All of them have helped me to see the goodness and genuine love that exist within each individual, exhibiting the same basic need to be loved and to love others. Ricardo Rosas is one of those people.
Even before I was called as a bishop, I served with Ricardo in many other capacities. We’ve seen each other’s struggles and successes. Sometimes it’s hard for people to open up to a bishop or close friend about things, because they fear that there will be shock or disappointment if they reveal certain personal information. However, I am grateful Ricardo had enough confidence to share his story about same-sex attraction with me. It has helped both of us learn lessons that we wouldn’t have learned otherwise.
Ricardo seemed to have a little hesitation at first. However, I’ve always appreciated those who are willing to seek support when they feel sad, lonely, depressed, unforgiven, or confused. Not only was it a burden lifted off his shoulders, but it was an eye-opener for me. I realized there might be others who are in the same situation or who have other concerns and might be keeping them bottled up inside.
The disclosure of same-sex attraction in no way changed my respect for Ricardo. Nor did it alter my thoughts concerning his ability to serve, love, and help others.
He has continued to serve in various callings, sustain a loving temple marriage, maintain temple worthiness, and raise his family in righteousness. Some within the Church may avoid talking about their own same-sex attraction because they’re afraid people will see them as “bad” or “unworthy.” I have witnessed the opposite with Ricardo. These members are not bad. They are loved, and they are just as involved in life with its ups and downs as anyone else.
We are all tempted in one way or another. Even the Savior was tempted.
If temptations alone defined the spiritual nature of humanity, we would never have any hope.
A favorite verse of scripture comes to mind with regard to Ricardo. In the Book of Mormon, the Lord reveals a profound doctrine to the prophet Moroni. Ether 12:27 reads: “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”
Ricardo has turned a weakness, or what he perceived as a weakness, into a strength by coming unto the Lord, humbling himself, and seeking understanding through the Spirit.
He wants to share his story with others—not for personal recognition but to let others know that there is hope, through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, to receive happiness in this life and the next.
There is a lot more to Ricardo’s story, but that’s for him to share. I know that he is genuinely a more positive person. He and I have both gained more insight than we had before about compassion, courage, understanding, and faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.
Nick’s Story: Ricardo’s Friend and Coworker
Ricardo’s friendship has challenged the way Nicholas views the LGBT community, especially gay Latter-day Saints. After all, why shouldn’t a good Latter-day Saint be allowed to deal with same-sex attraction and still have a testimony and faith and live worthily?
Friendships have not always come easily to me. When I was growing up, my family moved around a lot. While this provided me with many opportunities to meet new people and make new friends, it made developing long-term, meaningful friendships nearly impossible. It seemed that every time I started to make connections, my family was off to a new place on a new adventure. Because of my upbringing, those that I call my friends tend to be few and far between.
Growing up this way has caused me great reflection in my life; it has left me with a desire to have friends with whom I can connect and share personal experiences—friends I can call “lifelong friends.”
Today I can honestly say that I have found such a friend. Ricardo and I worked together for quite some time before we made a connection. Gently persuaded by the promptings of the Spirit and, later, the more compelling promptings of my wife (who is very social), I decided to ask Ricardo if he wanted to get our families together. It took what seemed like a couple of months to get the details down and set a date when both our families could meet.
Prior to this social family gathering, my wife asked me about Ricardo. I told her the few things that I knew about him: he was from Mexico, he was the creative director at work, he was friendly, and he had children roughly the same age as ours. Then, somewhat jokingly, I said to my wife, “If he didn’t work at the Church and have a family, I would think he was gay.”
I remember this conversation specifically because later, when Ricardo confided in me, as you can probably imagine, it challenged the way I viewed a lot of things, such as my understanding of LGBT people and my assumptions about others. It wasn’t difficult to accept him for who he was; he was my friend, and that wouldn’t change. What bothered me was that I assumed that a “good Mormon” couldn’t be dealing with same-sex attraction.
It quickly occurred to me, “Why shouldn’t a good Mormon be allowed to deal with this and still have a testimony and faith and live worthily?”
After Ricardo confided in me about being gay, we became even closer friends. We have gone to lunch several times since and had many great conversations. We share many similar interests and viewpoints. The trust Ricardo gave me with his “secret” only increased my trust in him. I am honored that he felt comfortable enough to share that part of his life with me; it could not have been easy.
On occasion, Ricardo has struggled with navigating how he perceives himself and how he perceives others’ views of him. Some days are harder for him than others. As his friend, it’s visible to me and difficult for me to see that he is struggling to sort things out. Sometimes people are less than nice when interacting with the LGBT community. On one occasion, Ricardo seemed particularly distraught. We talked for a few minutes about how things were going. He began to apologize for being such a needy friend and for being so “broken.” That surprised me. I do not believe that people can be or are broken. Sure, some of us deal with different things, and sometimes we may feel that way, but we are not broken.
I reassured Ricardo of that, that he was my friend, and gave him a hug.
Ricardo claims that I have helped him in many ways. It’s probably more true that I have learned from him and that he has helped me in more ways than I have helped him. I am grateful to have Ricardo as a friend in my life and will stand true to that love and friendship for as long as he is willing to have me stand by him.