For the Strength of Youth
When Agency Hurts
February 2025

When Agency Hurts

By Brynn Wengler

Church Magazines

What can you do when other people’s choices lead them away from the joy of the gospel?

footprints

Illustration by Gabrielle Cracolici

You have it. Your best friend has it. Even your second cousin’s mother’s great uncle has it! It’s a gift from Heavenly Father to all of His children on earth. So what is this gift, you ask? It’s agency, the ability to choose and to act.

Our ability to make choices lets us grow, and that’s super important for us to be able to return and live with Heavenly Father. But this gift has a hard and sometimes painful side too: the Lord teaches us to “let every man choose for himself” (Doctrine and Covenants 37:4), and the choices people make aren’t always warm, fuzzy ones.

When people you love make sad choices, especially choices that take them far from Jesus Christ, it can be painful. It hurts to watch somebody you love do things that you know will ultimately bring them sadness. You might wonder if there was something you should have done to help. You might feel angry or hurt that they used their agency the way they did. You might even feel a little bit responsible for the choice they made.

If you’ve ever felt this way, keep reading. Let’s get a few things straight.

The Savior’s Work

The first thing to remember is that your loved ones already have a Savior. Jesus Christ has already suffered “the pains of all men, yea, the pains of every living creature, both men, women, and children” (2 Nephi 9:21). He loves your family members and friends, knows their hearts, and will not give up on them. He also knows how best to help them.

Although it’s not your job to do what only the Savior can do, you can help Him gather His lost sheep. But what can you do specifically? And what shouldn’t you do? Here are some ideas.

NOT Your Job

  • Don’t take responsibility for other people’s choices. Every accountable person is responsible for their own choices. It’s OK to feel sad about someone’s decisions, but it’s not your job to change or fix them.

  • Don’t be judgmental. The scriptures teach us that God is our ultimate judge (see Doctrine and Covenants 64:11). Rather than condemning someone, replace unrighteous judgment with forgiveness and love.

  • Don’t be overly repetitive. Telling someone they made a bad decision every time you disagree with them probably won’t help. When you do feel prompted to testify of truth, make sure it comes from a place of love.

  • Don’t beat yourself up. Sometimes we offend someone even when we’re trying to help. If that happens, don’t be hard on yourself. Instead, apologize, communicate with humility, and try something new.

Your Job

  • Reach out in love. Even if you don’t agree with all the choices someone makes, you can still show them love. How can you connect with them in other healthy ways? Find what you have in common!

  • Pray. Prayer is powerful, especially when you pray for your family member or friend by name. Ask God to bless them and bless you to know how to help. Then be patient with His timing and answers.

  • Listen to the Holy Ghost. You can receive specific revelation (and comfort!) for your situation through the Holy Ghost. Spend time in places where the Spirit can be present.

  • Be an example. Continue making and keeping your own covenants with God. The closer you are to Him, the easier it will be to receive inspiration for how you can help your loved one. You can be an example and a light.

Even when the way someone uses their agency hurts, there is healing and hope available for you and for those you love and care about. Be patient, look to the Savior, and keep using your own agency for good.