After All

Scholarly children are often a great source of parental pride. The mother of a junior high school student was proudly displaying the trophy her son had brought home. “It’s for biology,” she told the Relief Society visiting teacher. “The teacher asked the whole class how many legs an alligator has, and my Alfred said, ‘Five.’” “But an alligator has only four legs.” “I know,” the mother admitted, “but he was the closest.”

Perspective: When they were happening, “the good old days” were called “these trying times.”

The world is full of two kinds of people: the givers and the takers. The takers eat well—but the givers sleep well.

There is nothing so stupid as an educated man, if you get off the thing he was educated in.

—Will Rogers

A young man drew aside his girl friend’s little brother. “You know I’m very fond of your sister,” he said. “I’d like very much to have a lock of her hair. I’ll give you a quarter if you can get it for me.” There was a moment’s silence, then the boy replied, “Tell you what—for a dollar, I’ll get you the whole wig.”

The next best thing to knowing something is knowing where to find it.

A college education seldom hurts a person if he is willing to learn a little something after he graduates.

While on vacation a patient sent his analyst the following wire: “Having a wonderful time. Why?”

A Sunday School teacher gave her class a lesson on sin, prayer, and asking for forgiveness. When she had finished she asked one little girl, “What do we have to do before we ask the Lord to forgive us?” “Sin,” replied the child confidently.

A politician is a man who, when asked to name his favorite color, says, “Plaid.”

Automation: A technological process that does all the work while you just sit there. When you were younger, this process was called Mother.

A moonlighter is a man who holds day and night jobs so that he can drive from one to the other in a better car.

It’s easy to have a balanced personality. Just forget your troubles as easily as you do your blessings.

If fifty million people say a foolish thing it is still a foolish thing.

—Anatole France

The mathematics student, walking home from class one day, witnessed a hit-and-run accident. Later, when he was questioned by the police, he offered the license number of the car and insisted he was positive about it. “But how can you be so sure?” the policeman asked. “The man was going extremely fast!”

“Well, it’s true that I barely saw the license plate at a distant angle,” the student replied. “But I recall that if it were multiplied by itself, the cube root of the product would be equal to the sum of the digits reversed.”

A middle-aged couple went for a ride in the country. He was driving and she was dreamily reminiscing. Finally she spoke. “Dear, remember when we were first married, how close together we used to sit in the car?” With a twinkle in his eye, her husband said, “I haven’t moved.”