“What It Means and Doesn’t Mean to Forgive,” Liahona, Oct. 2023.
What It Means and Doesn’t Mean to Forgive
Forgiving ourselves and others is a divine gift that brings us inner peace and draws us closer to our Savior.
As a psychotherapist, I try to assist many individuals as they grapple with life’s troubling circumstances and issues, including forgiveness. They long for forgiveness from others, from society, from the law, or from themselves. But alas, forgiveness seems elusive, and at times seeking it produces stress, anxiety, and perhaps even panic. Why?
It is truly a difficult task to forgive oneself and others. This often results in frustration, which makes it hard to hear or feel the voice of the Holy Spirit because we are preoccupied by anxious thoughts. The Spirit “caresses so gently that if we are preoccupied we may not feel it at all.”1
Studying and pondering the scriptures and teachings of latter-day prophets will reveal how you can know and feel the essence of forgiveness—and what it is not. Once you learn these concepts, you begin to realize how releasing resentment can be profoundly healing, bringing peace to your warring heart.2
President James E. Faust (1920–2007), who served as Second Counselor in the First Presidency, said, “If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being.”3
Joseph Smith and William W. Phelps, by Robert Anderson McKay
Forgiving Those Who Harm Us
In the early years of the Church, William W. Phelps was a strong supporter of Joseph Smith. He was one of the first Latter-day Saints sent to Jackson County, Missouri, where the Lord called him as a counselor in the presidency there.
But as Brother Phelps began to stray, his behavior became so serious that the Lord revealed to Joseph Smith that if Brother Phelps did not repent, he would be “removed out of” his place.4 He did not repent and was excommunicated on March 10, 1838.
Although William was rebaptized, his difficulties with the Church and Church leaders continued. In October 1838, he testified against the Prophet and other leaders of the Church. This led to Joseph Smith’s incarceration in November 1838.
For the next five months, the Prophet was imprisoned in two Missouri jails, including Liberty Jail.
By 1840, William W. Phelps had experienced a profound change of heart and wrote to the Prophet pleading for forgiveness. The letter Joseph wrote in response concluded with the couplet:
“‘Come on, dear brother, since the war is past,
“‘For friends at first, are friends again at last.’”5
Joseph freely forgave Brother Phelps and welcomed him back into full fellowship.
Four years later, when Brother Phelps learned that Joseph and Hyrum had been killed by a mob, he was devastated. Joseph’s forgiveness of Brother Phelps may have inspired him as he penned the beautiful and moving words to the hymn “Praise to the Man.”6
What Forgiveness Is Not
To better understand what it means to forgive others, it can be helpful to understand what forgiveness does not entail.
First, you don’t have to trust the forgiven party once the forgiveness process is complete. For example, let’s say that you had a nice pair of running shoes that I coveted so much that I stole them from you. A short time later I felt guilty for the theft, so I returned the shoes to you, pleading for forgiveness. You responded with a forgiving reply, and I went on my way. But let’s suppose that I approached you later and asked if I could borrow those shoes. Hesitantly, you indicated that you had forgiven me, but it would be a while before you felt that you could trust me again. Time is often needed for healing and trust.
Second, you don’t have to condone the person’s inappropriate behavior because of a life circumstance. In the example of the stolen shoes, it’s important not to say to me, “It’s OK that you stole the shoes. I know that you have been having a hard time.” Condoning inappropriate behavior allows the offending individual to avoid taking responsibility for actions that required forgiveness in the first place.
Third, forgiveness doesn’t mean that the other individual determines how you feel. Forgiveness means realizing that you determine how you feel by managing your thoughts and by being a true disciple of Christ. Again, in the example of the stolen shoes, if you told me that I was forgiven but you felt resentment each time you saw me, a deeper sense of forgiveness would obviously be required.
Fourth, forgiveness doesn’t require close association with the person who is forgiven. Forgiveness is an internal process, requiring the releasing of resentment. It doesn’t necessarily mean elevating the forgiven individual to the state of a close friend or associate. For some individuals who cross our life’s path, it is appropriate to love them from a distance.7
Fifth, forgiveness does not require that the forgiven person apologize. That is that person’s responsibility. President Faust taught: “Most of us need time to work through pain and loss. We can find all manner of reasons for postponing forgiveness. One of these reasons is waiting for the wrongdoers to repent before we forgive them. Yet such a delay causes us to forfeit the peace and happiness that could be ours. The folly of rehashing long-past hurts does not bring happiness.”8
Forgiving Ourselves
The capacity to forgive others is jump-started by our ability to forgive ourselves. But some find that forgiving themselves is a challenge. If they continue to punish themselves with negative thoughts regarding sins for which they have repented, they are unwittingly preventing the power of our Savior’s Atonement to cleanse them from the negative effects of self-punishment.
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles has taught: “There is something in many of us that particularly fails to forgive and forget earlier mistakes in life—either our mistakes or the mistakes of others. It is not good. It is not Christian. It stands in terrible opposition to the grandeur and majesty of the Atonement of Christ. To be tied to earlier mistakes is the worst kind of wallowing in the past from which we are called to cease and desist.”9
Or as an oft-quoted saying puts it, “When the devil reminds you of your past, just remind him of his future!”
In my therapy practice, patients often ask me, “But what do I actually do to forgive myself?”
First, we must accept the truth that the Lord Jesus Christ has already suffered for our sins. As we learn in Alma 7:13, “The Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance.” Punishing ourselves is a nonproductive and even destructive endeavor!
Second, we must not just believe in the Savior but also believe Him. In other words, we can truly believe Him when He said:
“Behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent;
“But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I” (Doctrine and Covenants 19:16–17).
The Savior admonished us to forgive (see Doctrine and Covenants 64:9), so by not forgiving ourselves or others, we may be under the false assumption that our suffering can somehow redeem us better than the Lord’s suffering. This prideful notion puts us in danger of following the adversary rather than trusting in the healing power of our Savior’s Atonement.
We must not expect to forget what we have done wrong, but we can, in time, forget the pain of resentment and self-punishment. We learn from Alma 36:19 that Alma the Younger was able to move beyond his past: “I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.”
Being able to forgive is a divine gift, and its worth cannot be measured. Its reward is an inner peace that ultimately draws us closer to our Savior.
The author lives in Utah, USA.