Finding Answers: From Sister to Sister
How Can I Help My Family Members Who Struggle with Mental Illness?
Mental illness struggles are unique and complex for every individual, but here are a few general ways to help your loved ones who experience mental illness.
A few months after I started dating my now husband, Zach, I had a serious panic attack. A certain situation triggered a lot of painful memories from a past difficult relationship, causing my anxiety to skyrocket. When I told Zach, he dropped everything to help me feel safe, calm, and loved.
However, as I continued to struggle with anxiety, I wasn’t always so easy to help. “How can I help you when you feel like this?” he would ask.
But I wouldn’t know how to respond.
How could he help me when I didn’t know how to help myself?
There is no one-size-fits-all solution for mental illness. It is unique and complex for every individual, which can make it difficult to help your loved ones when they’re struggling.
So, to learn more about this delicate subject, I interviewed individuals with mental illnesses, their family members, and mental health professionals to learn how families can support those who experience mental illness. I’ve also studied some of the Church’s resources on mental health. Although these solutions might not work for everyone, here are a few takeaways on how to help, love, and support our family members who are affected by mental illness.
Understand Behaviors
Look for a change in your family member’s behavior over time. For example, they might appear more irritable or distressed than normal. They might get angry or frustrated or experience stronger emotions. They might resist their normal routines by skipping meals, sleeping more, or neglecting their responsibilities. Let them know that you’re aware of their feelings. Help them to rely on routines that will bring them strength and peace, such as reading the scriptures, praying, and connecting with Jesus Christ. Remember, He has suffered “pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind” and He knows exactly how they’re feeling and how to help them (Alma 7:11).
Ask Direct Questions
Ask your family members directly about their mental health. If you avoid talking about their mental illness, they might not feel like you truly care for them. At first, you might feel nervous, especially if you don’t understand what they’re experiencing. However, asking them specifically about their mental health will teach you how to help them.
When my friend was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, she found support in communicating with her family specifically about her mental health. She said, “I love it when they ask, ‘How is your mental health?’”
The more serious the mental illness, the more intimidating it might be to ask about. However, if your loved one is having difficulty managing their symptoms (perhaps experiencing suicidal ideation), communicating openly with them is even more important. “Asking your loved ones about their suicidal thoughts won’t put the idea of suicide in their mind,” my friend said. “It’s important to ask questions when you’re worried about them,” she added. This will show them that you want to understand their challenges even if they don’t feel prepared to discuss them at that time.
By relying on Christ for courage to ask difficult questions and communicate, you can also be an angel for your loved one. You can help guide them toward both Christ’s light and trusted professionals to find healing.
Invite, Share, and Serve
It might seem like such a small gesture, but inviting your loved ones to spend time with you shows them that you genuinely love them. Many people dealing with mental illness feel that they are a burden and that nobody wants to be around them. Always invite them, and if they don’t come, let them know that you missed them. Express your love for them genuinely and specifically.
Another helpful gesture is offering to help them with everyday tasks, like grocery shopping or cooking dinner, that might seem overwhelming when they are experiencing difficult symptoms. You might be accustomed to asking how you can help, but you might be able to better serve by praying to see their needs and helping without asking.
You can also be vulnerable about your own worries, challenges, and mental health and share your thoughts with them. This will create a safe space for open conversation. As Sister Reyna I. Aburto, former Second Counselor in the Relief Society General Presidency taught, “When we open up about our emotional challenges, admitting we are not perfect, we give others permission to share their struggles. Together we realize there is hope and we do not have to suffer alone.”1
Be Understanding, Not Judgmental
Be understanding rather than judgmental when your loved ones are experiencing mental illness. Sometimes, you might want to say, “just cheer up” or “you control your attitude” or “happiness is a choice.” However, for those with a mental illness, happiness isn’t always a choice. For some, it could be emotionally impossible to control their mood. Being understanding, as Elder Erich W. Kopischke of the Seventy states, “requires us to think more about them and less about ourselves … It means speaking less and listening much, much more. We must love them, empower them, and praise them.”2
Find Support in Christ
Sister Aburto also taught that bearing one another’s burdens includes “becoming informed about emotional illnesses, finding resources that can help address these struggles, and ultimately bringing ourselves and others to Christ, who is the Master Healer.” 3 Educating yourself about their experiences and validating their feelings can help your family to find understanding and healing.
Make sure that your loved one has a support system of family members and friends who know how to help them. Most importantly, make sure that your loved one depends on their heavenly support system.
For a long time, I tried fighting my mental illness battles alone. But when I told Zach and other loved ones what I was experiencing, my healing process finally began. Vocalizing my feelings helped both me and my family members understand what I was going through, and their loving support helped me feel validated. We learned how I could help myself and how I could rely on the Savior for strength. We might not be able to solve all of our family’s pain and problems that stem from mental health struggles—I definitely still have hard days—but if we rely on the Lord to help us help our loved ones, we can help one another find healing and hope.
I know I have.