Disagreeing without Becoming Disagreeable

Define

Display and share the following statement by Elder Quentin L. Cook:

Many in this world are afraid and angry with one another. While we understand these feelings, we need to be civil in our discourse and respectful in our interactions. This is especially true when we disagree. The Savior taught us to love even our enemies. … I invite each one of us individually to recognize that how we disagree is a real measure of who we are and whether we truly follow the Savior. It is appropriate to disagree, but it is not appropriate to be disagreeable. … If we show love and respect even in adverse circumstances, we become more like Christ. (Quentin L. Cook, “We Follow Jesus Christ,” Ensign or Liahona, May 2010, 84–85)

Explain that one way we can disagree without becoming disagreeable is by responding in a way that encourages civility rather than contention.

Model

Display the following chart, and discuss as a class the differences between the statements in the two columns.

Responses That Invite Contention	Responses That Invite Civility
Responses That Invite Contention I disagree with you because you are just plain wrong.	Responses That Invite Civility Thank you for sharing your thoughts. While we differ in our beliefs, I’m grateful we both feel comfortable sharing …
Responses That Invite Contention You’re ignorant. You don’t know what you are talking about.	Responses That Invite Civility Could you help me better understand what you think about … ?
Responses That Invite Contention I’m confident that I have the truth and that what I believe is correct.	Responses That Invite Civility I respect your beliefs and can see how important they are to you. Let me share why my beliefs are important to me.
Responses That Invite Contention You are a bigot.	Responses That Invite Civility I’m uncomfortable with what you just said. Am I understanding right that this is what you meant, that … ?

Practice

Invite students to work with a partner and practice taking turns formulating civil responses to the following scenarios:

1. Alfonso is on an airplane reading the Book of Mormon. The person next to him asks what he is reading. When Alfonso tells him about the Book of Mormon, he says, “I’ve heard that book is pure fiction. It’s best to just stick to the Bible.” Alfonso replies, …

2. Julie’s institute class is talking about the roles of men and women. One young man named Logan states in a condescending tone, “Since a man holds the priesthood, he has the final say on what happens in his home.” Julie finds Logan’s comment sexist and irritating. She raises her hand and says, …

3. Marda’s roommate has been critical of the standards of the Church. Marda finds her roommate’s view ironic since her roommate has a lot of problems that are a result of her lifestyle choices. One day Marda’s roommate says, “Your church keeps you from having fun. You are like a prisoner to outdated ideals.” Marda replies, …

End this activity by asking one or two students to share what they have learned.

Invite and Follow Up

Encourage students to use this skill of disagreeing with others without becoming disagreeable in their gospel conversations. Remember to follow up by inviting students to share their experiences with the class. You might ask students what went well and what was difficult. Look for opportunities to continue practicing this skill in class.