“Disabilities and the Lessons We Learn,” Liahona, October 2021
Disabilities and the Lessons We Learn
The author lives in Utah.
While disabilities in families may create extra work and difficulties, they also create opportunities.
Photograph posed by models
Families of children with disabilities face financial, emotional, physical, and logistical complexities. When we look at all of the factors, it’s easy to feel that raising a child with special needs could be a real challenge!
While disabilities in families may create extra work and difficulties, they also create opportunities. I know that problems don’t vanish overnight and that difficulties persist, but I also know the very real blessings that come with family members with disabilities.
Both of my parents are deaf, and each of their families’ approaches has taught me to find hope in the family journey.1 I have seen greater family unity, purpose, and resilience emerge from our struggles and efforts, as well as a broadened perspective. We know that “the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children,”2 and we can learn so much from being in a family, despite challenges that may arise—if we face these challenges with persistence, effort, and a spirit of learning.
Unity
Illustrations by Katy Dockrill
When my father was about three years old, he was diagnosed as deaf. From that point on, his parents did all they could to learn American Sign Language (ASL), and my grandmother fought for rights for her children and deaf children especially. She knew that mothers and fathers have the responsibility to provide for their children’s needs. Because of her efforts, my dad and his siblings had successful schooling experiences, and all communicate in ASL. When the family gets together, almost everyone signs and feels accepted and understood. Though this unique family unity certainly required a lot of effort and was not easy to achieve, my dad and his siblings have been blessed by their parents’ efforts.
My father (pictured with his sister when they were young) was about three when he was diagnosed as deaf.
Photograph courtesy of the author
In contrast, my mother lost her hearing as a teenager, and most of her family didn’t learn ASL. She graduated from high school, moved out at age 18, and got married shortly after. When my mom’s family gets together, almost no one uses sign language. Since my mom didn’t grow up reading lips, keeping up with conversations is challenging, especially in large groups.
Families grow and become more united as they offer support and comfort to each other while navigating their challenges. Additionally, having parents who are deaf gave me the opportunity to develop unique connections. Although I grew up in a region with many Latter-day Saints and large wards, my siblings and I had the opportunity to attend a small branch with my parents where the majority of members are deaf, have deaf family members, or use sign language. Because the deaf community is small, and the Latter-day Saint deaf community is even smaller, my branch became my family. Having this community gave me role models, friends, and people I knew I could turn to for the rest of my life. Because of the blessing of having parents in a deaf branch, I had opportunities as a young woman to serve in callings that I wouldn’t have had otherwise.
My grandparents with their children and grandchildren. We try to support and comfort each other while navigating our challenges.
Photograph courtesy of the author
Purpose
Helping a family member with a disability can give parents and siblings a purpose in looking outside themselves and improving the quality of life for someone else. The Lord has promised that when we “devote all [our] service in Zion,” we will “have strength” (Doctrine and Covenants 24:7). All family members, including those with disabilities, can learn to be contributing members of their families, communities, and friendships in a variety of ways, sometimes even as simple as brightening another’s day with a smile or laughter. All family members also find higher purpose in knowing “that when [they] are in the service of [their] fellow beings, [they] are only in the service of [their] God” (Mosiah 2:17).
I know of a family with two children, the younger of which has an illness that requires him to be on feeding and oxygen tubes most of the day. His older brother, Jared, enjoys holding his little brother, kissing him, and helping his mother change and clean his clothing, tubes, and other equipment. Jared has a sense of purpose and an opportunity to learn service and the attitude of thinking of others. From these opportunities, Jared is developing Christlike attributes of empathy, patience, and kindness that will bless him throughout his life, and his little brother provides a steady, joyful presence that blesses the entire family.
My friend Akayla was 20 weeks pregnant when she found out that her son would have a cleft lip. She was in shock. She wondered what it would mean for his future. Now that he is two years old, she says, “Our family has been blessed in so many ways. … It has humbled us and helped us realize what real life is all about. It’s been so hard, but we wouldn’t have it any other way!”3
Resilience
Resilience is the “ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.”4 Resilient people find resources to cope with their challenges. Families can find community resources to help them, such as teachers and doctors, and families can grow in resilience as they use resources within their own family as well. Families can find strength in doing family history, having prayer and scripture study together, and being around supportive people.
At age 17, Megan shared her perspective on having a brother with Down syndrome: “Andy teaches me to never give up. He knows he is different, but he doesn’t focus on that. He doesn’t give up, and every time I see him having a hard time, I make myself work that much harder. … He shows us that anyone can do anything.”5 Megan and many other brothers and sisters of children with disabilities find strength from examples of endurance.
Resilience also comes when we stop viewing stressful situations as a crisis and start viewing them as an opportunity to bounce back and develop new skills.6 When we face challenges, it can be easy to think negative thoughts. While it’s completely normal to have negative thoughts and feelings, families can instead take opportunities to celebrate small improvements and successes. When family members feel buoyed up by recognizing their strengths, they can more easily identify successes in the future.
Perspective
My husband is deaf. Marrying him has been a blessing in my life. But I struggled when we first started dating because I began to see the many challenges he faces in his everyday life, such as discrimination in the workplace, misunderstanding among family members, and mistreatment by others for something that is just a small part of who he is.
Seeing him struggle with things that most people don’t even have to think twice about was hard, but I realized that being raised by parents who are deaf had given me a greater ability to understand him. Over time, I started to gain awareness of what things I could do to empower and educate others, as well as what I could do differently to make my husband’s life a little easier. After all, it is our covenant and our opportunity to “comfort those that stand in need of comfort” (Mosiah 18:9).
This is my husband, Michael, signing to me on the day of our wedding.
Photograph by Mallory Mecham
Through my experiences, I have truly come to believe that our trials give us the strength and knowledge needed to bless those God will lead us to. My experiences with my parents and with the gospel both contributed to my ability to see my husband’s situation with a broader perspective. And I have seen him grow stronger through the things he is learning.
Research suggests that “it is possible that siblings of children with chronic illness have a more realistic and positive understanding of what it means to be healthy.” Further, children who have a sibling with a disability may develop “a more caring, warm, and empathic personality.”7 Siblings can learn to be gentle and patient with their brothers and sisters who need special accommodations and may develop characteristics that provide a healthier life perspective.
I am grateful that my parents and my husband are able to lead meaningful lives, despite some challenges. Because of my interactions with them and many other people, I have been strengthened in my testimony that God places His children in families for their blessing and benefit.