[MUSIC PLAYING] Marriage was exciting, and it was easy. I felt like we were together with everything. I felt like we were connected. And we had this little family, and I was able to stay at home. And things were really good.

I opened the door, and it was my bishop, who is my ecclesiastical leader. Bishop, hi. What I didn't realize was this was a preplanned meeting.

Come in. I had no idea what was coming. I had no idea that in a matter of minutes, my life would be completely changed.

My husband proceeded to read a letter that felt like more of a confession of all of the things that had been really going on in our marriage. My addiction to porn was the gate to my sex addiction. And I didn't know what a pornography addict was. I didn't know what a sex addict was. I didn't understand that that was a thing. And I had no idea that he had been living a double life. I'm so sorry. The night that my husband read the letter, the pain that I felt--it's almost hard to put words to. I need some fresh air.

I believe that God has the ability to talk to us, to give us insight, to lead us and direct us. I did strive to be the best I could be. To not have any idea of this whole double life was as much a betrayal from God than anyone, because I had kept my end of the bargain and I had kept my promises. And I didn't feel like I could count on anyone.

I remember that we talked right away about getting into programs, going to therapy. I was so beaten down by this concept and feeling like I wasn't enough for him. If this was going on in my marriage, if my husband needed to escape this bad, what is wrong with me?

Anorexia works in ways where the guilt of eating is so intense--or it was so intense for me--that it never was worth the price to do it. Before I knew it, I had stopped eating. And I had stopped eating for a while. Again, my husband knew that I struggled with this before we got married. I was very open about it. It felt like such a double betrayal because I didn't know about his addiction. He didn't share that with me. Jane?

Jane?

Jane?

Jane?

Jane?

Jane? Ja-- It took a couple of trips to the emergency room, and about 45 days of just not eating, to where I ended up in an inpatient treatment facility and had to be away from my one-year-old little girl and my two boys.

Eventually the truth came out. And he had been back in his addiction and back to lying for that whole year that I thought we were in recovery and we were going to therapy. And I knew that it was time to separate.

We were separated for about eight months.

I was so angry, I didn't feel like I could count on anyone. Even God had left.

As much as I pushed Him away, as much as I told Him I didn't need Him, I just remember asking this simple question: "Do You love me?"

The emotion and the feeling that overcame me is something that I'll never be able to deny, no matter how angry I get. I know that He loves me, and He loves me more than I can comprehend. And in that moment I just sobbed, and I just--I felt His love. It was a moment where I realized He is aware of me and He is aware of what's happening. And I knew. I knew.

I started having more trust in God, and I started getting stronger. And I started seeing that if my marriage ended--if that was what was going to happen or what needed to happen--I would be OK. My husband can remember. At one point he felt something in me had changed, and he was kind of worried and threatened by it. And something in him realized, "This is serious. She might decide to move on. She might not wait around forever while I try and convince her that it's OK to act out in an addiction and be married at the same time." I slowly watched as the effort that he put into his recovery became more sincere. And it wasn't just the motions, and it wasn't just the check in the box. And I watched as he started going to 12-step meetings. And he got a sponsor, and he started meeting with our bishop on his own. And slowly I watched as his heart changed. And I don't say that lightly. What I needed to know, I knew. And that's that God was there, God was aware of me, God loved me, and that I would be OK. Somehow I would be OK. [MUSIC PLAYING]