I struggled on my mission with depression and came home and got married and thought, "Now I'll be happily ever after because that's what's supposed to happen." But that's not what happened. And by the time I got into my mid-30s, it was really bad. I'd make it through the day at work and pretend like everything was all right. And for the most part, nobody knew really what was going on. But it was just all I could do. And I'd come home and I'd go in my room, shut the door, and just say, "Everybody leave me alone. I just can't deal with it anymore." I kept it hidden from everybody except my family. They knew something was wrong but didn't really know what was going on with Dad. He was just withdrawn and angry and sad. And they really didn't get what was going on with all of that. I was ashamed that I had this thing that made me different. And more than anything, I was ashamed that I couldn't fix it. You ought to be able to take care of problems in your life. And nothing I did seemed to work, and so I was really ashamed of that. And I didn't want people to know that I was a failure. It seemed like it should be a pretty easy thing. And it was so hard for me to feel confident that the Lord was directing me. And that kind of led me to another wrong assumption. And that's if you don't feel the Spirit, it's because you're a sinner. And I kept trying to think what I'd done that was so bad that I'd be cut off. It got to the point where the pain and the sadness and just the hopelessness was just more than I could take. And I had prayed most of my life to feel better. And those prayers just never were really answered. It was so discouraging. I kept going to church. And I knew the Church was true, and I knew that God loved all of His children. But I just didn't feel it. And so I figured that I must have done something really bad or that He just knew there was no way that there was any hope for me, and so He had abandoned me.

And that's really my definition of hell.

When Elder Holland gave that talk, I sat on my couch in my living room with my family and just wept because it was in the open, and somehow he'd made it OK. And when he talked about a broken vessel, it just reminded me of how I felt when I got really, really desperate. And I realized that I was broken. And I guess, not that I hadn't realized it before, but I guess I just finally admitted it to myself that I was broken to the point where I could not fix myself, that I needed divine intervention.

And I prayed for the first time really acknowledging that I was broken and that I couldn't fix it. And I admitted that in my prayer, which was really hard for me because I thought my Heavenly Father would be really disappointed that I couldn't do it.

But I think He was just really waiting for me to be humble enough to really listen.

And I promised Him that if He would help fix what was wrong with me, that I would do whatever He told me to do and that His will be done. And it was the first time I really meant it. I mean, I had prayed for help, and "I'll do what You want me to do." But it was always kind of "as long as it's not too hard, it's not too painful, as long as it's not embarrassing." And I was at the point I was ready to just accept His help and do whatever it was that He wanted me to do. And that night I remembered a priesthood lesson about the Atonement from years before and about how it was supposed to help us with our infirmities and with our afflictions. And I thought, "Well, I'm sick and I'm infirm with this." And I thought, "I need somebody to heal what's broken." And then I kind of got this picture in my mind about Christ going around healing people. And I just thought, "If I had been there, He could have just reached out and touched me." And I knew that I'd be whole. And I just thought, "That's not fair. I lived at the wrong time." As I thought about that and I thought about who Christ is, I realized time and distance are no match for the Almighty and that He could reach out and heal me from where He was. And that's the first time I felt hope in years that things were going to get better. I knew I had to figure out how the Atonement worked. And I needed that healing in my life, and I needed to have enough faith to really have that miracle happen in my life. And so I studied about the Atonement and prayed about it. And the Spirit kind of led me to learn a couple of other things that were really key to getting out. And that started me clawing my way out of the pit. And it seems trite, but it really is the things that we all know we have to do. It's prayer and reading the scriptures and going to church, being where the Spirit is. Music was a big one for me. When I'm really down, hymns really lift me. So finding light helped me so much to combat that darkness. And the other thing I had to do--and I had promised the Lord I would do whatever He told me to do, because otherwise I wouldn't have done this one--I just felt like I had to go talk to somebody. And I had kept this stuff so hidden. I didn't want to go talk to anybody about it. And what a marvelous experience that was. I talked with a friend and knew she'd had some emotional problems in her life, and was really just looking to see who she went to for some professional counseling. And she was somebody I really, really admired. And I knew she was a good person. And just sharing that made me realize that there are good people who have this, who are righteous. And I knew Heavenly Father loved her. And so that in turn meant that maybe I was OK and maybe Heavenly Father loved me too. One of the things that was so troubling to me in the darkness of depression--and it really is dark. It's this mist, and it's dark, and it's heavy. What really bothered me was that I didn't have any light. And I couldn't figure out why I didn't have any light. I was full of darkness. And how did I get full of darkness? I thought darkness came from sin. And I realized that over the years, I had just been listening to the wrong voices--the voices of negativity and putting me down. And I started to believe those and accept them as true, and they drove out the light. And so I realized, "I have to go looking for light." When I'd read the scriptures before, I had this experience. I really believed all this stuff about the things that were going to take me to hell and how bad I was and how I needed to repent. And I believed all those things. But the promises and the good words just went right over my head because I didn't think they applied to me. And same with talks in church and even conference talks. I'd just end up feeling guilty. "Oh, here's another thing." And I add it to my big long list. And I had a huge list of everything that was wrong with me. And after that experience, I started to think differently and say, "Maybe the promises apply too." Over the years, as I got better and came out on the other side, I felt a real obligation to share my experience with other people, especially to bear witness about the power of the Atonement and the power of gospel principles to help us. And it was really hard to do in the beginning, because there weren't a lot of people who really wanted, it seems like, to hear that. But as a bishop, I had people come to my office. And I shared with them, and they would share with me what was going on. And lots and lots of people with depression. And that kind of opened the door in a safe place where I could share. And then I served on the high council and loved going out and bearing witness about the power of the gospel and to see the light in people's eyes kind of come back and to see that there's a little bit of hope when they see someone else who's walked the path and who's struggled and who's willing to talk about it. I know that the gospel is true. And I know that the principles that are taught in the gospel are real and that they're powerful. They aren't just things that we talk about in Sunday School. They aren't just things that we can learn and that are interesting. To me, they're real because they helped save me. I know that the Atonement is real. It's powerful. It's infinite in its reach. And there are no exceptions to that. I was sure I was the exception. And that sounds really ridiculous to think that there are exceptions to something that's infinite. But I really believed that at a time. And I know that there are no exceptions and that Christ's power can reach us and can lift us and can heal us. And when I think about what I've gone through, it's been really painful. A lot of my life has been very painful.

And as I came to understand that I'm wholly dependent on Christ and His Atonement, and as I realized that He is literally my Savior--He saved me physically, spiritually, and emotionally--I have a little bit of an idea what suffering is.

And that just makes what He did for me so much more intense and so much more wonderful and so much more meaningful.

And I really can't wait to thank Him, because He's everything.

He's everything to me. And it makes me just want to serve Him and to help others.