My name is Ricardo. I am a Mormon. I am a father of six children. And I am attracted to men. [MUSIC PLAYING]

I have to say that my life has always been trying to figure out the whole picture of things. I remember as a child, I was always driven to art. That was my escape, creating things. The friends that I knew, all kids at school, would be playing soccer or things like that. But I didn't feel completely connected there. I actually remember the very first time my father had me go into his bedroom, and he told me, "Watch your mannerisms. You need to be more manly about the way you talk. You need to do these other things that boys do." And after he talked to me, I just went to my room and started crying. I couldn't understand what was the big deal about being me and myself. I did what every Mormon boy is supposed to do. You get the priesthood, you pass the sacrament, you go on a mission. I did that. But I never really completely felt whole. After I served a mission for the Church for two years, I came to the United States to pursue a degree in graphic design. And during that time, that's when I met my wife. And from day one, I always felt really, genuinely attracted to her. The first time I met Ricardo, I had just moved into an apartment. It was my senior year in college. And I didn't think anything. And then he asked me out, and we progressed from there. There was just something really impressive about her. And I liked how I felt around her, and I thought to myself, "I want that. I want to feel that all the time." And as we began dating more seriously, I felt that it was important to share with her that I had thoughts and feelings towards men. But I didn't flat-out tell her, "I'm attracted to men." I was scared to have to tell her that. Yeah, that was a surprise. It was a shock. I wasn't expecting that. I don't think anyone expects something like that. But I know the kind of person he is, and it didn't change my feelings for him. I still loved him and still wanted to pursue our relationship. I know a lot of people might ask, "Well, how is that you said that you're attracted to your wife, when you said you were attracted to men?"

I've got to say that I don't really have an explanation for that. All that I can say is, that's how I'm wired. A few years ago, I was hired as a creative director for the Church. And at a meeting at work, I met a fellow coworker there that is openly gay. And I was very, very impressed with how confident he was to talk about his same-sex attraction in a non-shameful way. And I remember we went to lunch, and I began to share things. And it was really great to be able to talk to someone that I could relate to, somebody that could help me, and find support and somebody that will help me to understand more about myself, because he himself experienced the same thing. I really was experiencing a full-on awakening in my soul and my heart. And as I've been going through this experience, I started putting the pieces together of this picture that is my life. And I began to create a great network of friends and support. He started making friends and going to firesides. And he would come back really happy and energized, and he said that he was just feeling more even. But by the summer, I was kind of tired. He was texting a lot and planning things, which was good for him, and I was happy for him. But at the same time, I didn't feel number one. She said she was happy that I was more confident, more calm, more at peace. But she felt literally like a single mom, you know, because I'm working so many hours, get home, and then these friends call me or text me or whatever. And she needed my time and attention. And I did not realize how much time I was taking from my family and my wife. We were not walking in this journey together. And what I agreed to do was to get home and put away my cell phone, dedicate my time to the kids, to her, and that really helped. I think it took a good four months after him being really open and honest about it all, and him being more involved in making healthy male connections with other men. But I just needed a balance in our lives. Looking back at all the images I make of my life, I started to see more of a defined picture, where I can see God at the center of it. And I can see myself reaching out, really out of spiritual thorns that I experienced before. This whole picture of being gay and Mormon really has a different meaning for me now. Before, the mere fact that I had those attractions always made me feel really disconnected to God and to the Savior. But it was just my perception of myself and how I saw myself in relationship to the Savior. I never felt completely worthy of Him.

That's the liberating part. Being able to talk to people that I love about this, to get their support, to talk to my wife, just to be myself has been the most amazing thing--that I don't have to be perfect, that I can actually acknowledge an attraction and move on with my life, that there's power on getting things out of the shadows and allowing the light of Christ to touch them and heal them. It's like completing the picture. It's like reaching out, moving up towards the light. It's not a lonely journey. I will say that it's a family journey. It's a community journey. The support from my bishop, my wife, the support from my close friends at work and coworkers--as I feel their love and support in my life, through them I feel the love and support from God. The attractions aren't going to go away. They're going to be there my whole life. But I don't feel that I'm losing anything in my life. To me, that is being authentic. It's finding that core happiness within you. And for me it's important that that core happiness is aligned with my beliefs in the gospel. That's what has worked for me. [MUSIC PLAYING]