I have had this condition for about 20 years, actually. And the tricky part of it is, I forget. I'll be sick for a while, then I get feeling better, and then I think I've overcome it. And the reality is, it's a chronic thing that keeps coming back and back and back. And most recently I was letting it creep in and affect my marriage. And my wife, she is a good person and helped me to recognize I had some issues. And I really got a lot out of Elder Holland's talk in general conference where he talked about these things. I decided to go to a doctor and get some help. And that's been helping most recently. About 20 years ago, I started to think I saw things around me--things out of the corner of my eye. I'd always look, and they weren't there. I'd see common day things turn into animals--weird stuff. I saw a mailbox; I thought it was a Doberman pinscher. And cars that were coming at me while I was parking in a parking lot, and things of that kind of nature. And I also had a lot of depression at that time, but since then I've been up and down and all around. It's a condition that affects both your thinking and your emotions. It's not really depressive; it's more manic and more psychotic. So like just a few weeks ago, I couldn't sleep, but to the point I had so much energy, I was going outside and running as fast as I could--sprint runs at, like, 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning. Just excessive energy at times. I do hear voices from time to time, and usually it's many, multiple at a time in different directions. I'll hear them up front and back here. And if I take the time to actually listen, I can hear the words they're saying. They don't mean anything to me because it's just too fast, but I can hear things. But it's been because of people who understand and support me--and my family, they recognize that I'm in a bad place where I'm having some depression or I'm not acting as I should. They remind me, they ask, "Hey Ryan, would you please try your medication again and see if that helps?" I remember--if this gives you a kind of an analogy that comes to mind--my grandpa talked once about the first time he put glasses on, and prior to that he thought the world was just supposed to be foggy. And when he put the glasses on, everything looked way better. And that kind of happened with me, that I was just used to all the hard thoughts and things that I dealt with--difficult emotions--I just thought that was normal. And once I started getting some help, the medication was like putting glasses on my brain, if that makes sense. The hardest thing for me, over and over and over again, is to accept that I have something to deal with. It's a pride issue. I don't want to have this. I don't like to have it. And so it's something I fight. And the reason it's hard, I think, is, for example, you break your finger, they'll put it in a splint, and in four to six weeks you're going to be back to normal. But with these kind of mood or mental challenges, it really attacks the way you think, the way you feel. And that's really a core part of your personality, and so it's very distressing and confusing. I've been to several doctors. I'm currently going to one I really like and have a lot of respect for. It is a chemical-related issue, and he's prescribed me a number of medications that help with different features of it. Honestly, I think it's been harder for me to accept than the people around me. I think the people around me know that I have an issue. And for me, it's been relearning that over and over and over. But I don't really worry about being accepted. I worry about accepting the fact that I have something wrong. There's my problem, and there's God. There are times I have felt like I wasn't worthy or I was doing something wrong because I'm having all these terrible thoughts. But I've recently come to terms with, they're two separate things. I can have a testimony, still have an issue, and neither one is necessarily dependent on the other. I think there are times in my life when there's really no one else to turn to. And I just thought, well--and I've learned my whole life that I've got to trust my Heavenly Father. And there are times when I've turned to Him, and it's been the greatest source of strength and help. It's--by and large, that's the biggest solution to this stuff. Knowing that the Savior understands me and Heavenly Father understands me--that's been a great source of peace to me. It helps me--it helps me get back under control.

I think that maybe I've been given this trial because Heavenly Father wants me to learn from it. I think that it's given me greater compassion and empathy for other people who are sick. And as I thought about this, I've really learned four things that have to do with myself and others. And I recite these to myself. First is, don't judge other people, because you don't know what they're going through. Second is, don't criticize other people, because that's not helpful. Don't blame other people. And don't try to change other people. I've learned that the most healthy way to deal with this is just to look at myself and what I can change about me. And that's been a hard thing to do, because I've blamed other people for a long time, and it hadn't worked. There are ways to get help, and some of that is spiritual in nature. Some of that is through the scientific and medical professions. But in my own experience, I've found that yes, that Heavenly Father loves me, that priesthood blessings are powerful, that they are real. But as Elder Holland said, if we had appendicitis, we should get a blessing and seek the best medical treatment available. And I think that combination of both is where the solution is at. Don't give up on yourself. Don't think it is hopeless, that you can't get better, because it can. No matter how hard it is or how painful it is, there is hope. And don't give up on that hope, because there's always an answer.

If you know someone struggling with a mental condition or a mood disorder, know that you can help them. Show them some love and concern and empathy. Be supportive, validating. But know when you're getting sucked in too far so that it doesn't have an adverse impact on your life.

I know that Jesus Christ loves me and is an enormous source of peace and comfort to me. I have a testimony. I know that God's real and that Christ is real and They do understand me and support me, that the Atonement is a real principle. I believe in prophets and apostles. I know that Elder Holland is one of the Lord's chosen Apostles. And his talk in general conference about mental health and depression really made an impact on me. And I feel that was inspired counsel, and I've tried to follow it. He said to go to a doctor, a professional, and share your honest summary of what's happened to you and what you're going through, and then prayerfully consider the counsel given. And as I've honestly tried to do that, I've just felt an enormous relief and a sense of peace come into my life. And I feel that I'm getting the help and heading in the direction that I want to be heading.