If I’m more patient, more forgiving, more loving, more charitable, more prayerful (and the list could go on and on), I can be like Christ. Christlike is the goal. Sounds good, right? Except it’s not. It’s the perfect lie. It’s Satan’s equation that he dupes us into living.
I learned that during one of the darkest points of my life, when my life literally crumbled. My husband lost his job, I was diagnosed with multiple chronic illnesses, and because of those illnesses, expanding our family wasn’t happening. I had to walk away from my business that I had poured my heart into for four years, and on top of all of that, I found myself in the grips of debilitating anxiety and depression. The perfect life that I had given my entire soul to keeping together was literally falling to pieces right in front of my eyes.
Everything that I ever was, or had been, was no longer there. I was a college athlete who couldn’t even walk around the block. I was a creative graphic designer and business owner who couldn’t find enough light to do anything creative. I was a good mom who constantly took my son on outings while capturing the happy moments of our day, and now I was the mom with only one child, who couldn’t even get up long enough to make her child breakfast. Everything that I ever thought I was or that I had prided myself in being was gone.
I remember dragging myself to church one Sunday; the opening song started, and the floodgates opened. Tears streamed down my face. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t breathe. The heartache was too much. I immediately stood up and fled to my car, where I locked myself in and sobbed. The anxiety was more than I could handle, and the worthlessness I felt was unbearable.
The tears wouldn’t stop. I was miserable, broken, and shattered.
Who was I if I wasn’t everything I did? How could I have worth while sitting in bed day after day? Who was I as a wife, a mother, and a woman when my body didn’t allow me to do the things that a wife, a mother, and a woman should do?
I had a testimony that my Savior’s Atonement was real. I believed His miracles; I believed Him when He said that all things were possible to him that believeth. But in my most broken state, I wasn’t sure how to use His power.
I needed answers. So, in my darkest hour, I had two choices. I could stay in the mental anguish that I was experiencing, or I could put God’s promises to the test
So I did. I asked in a way I had never done before. I began to seek, opening my scriptures not to check something off of my Christian checklist but to find answers, to find hope, and to find my Savior.
The following month I engulfed myself in Christ’s words. I studied His life. I read the New Testament. I watched beautiful Bible videos
about His life and read talks by the leaders of my church who I believed knew Christ and knew how to implement His power in their lives.
It wasn’t easy at first, but the more I read, the more I wanted to. As I did, Christ literally became alive in my life. Stories that I had read while growing up started to become real. They weren’t these unseen, incomprehensible miracles, but they became tangible lessons that started having meaning in my life today.
When 5,000 people needed to be fed and the only food available was a meager five loaves of bread and two fish, the Lord didn’t say it wasn’t enough. He didn’t look away or condemn. No! He took what they had and used His power to make it enough to feed thousands.
When those at the wedding feast wanted wine and there was none, Christ didn’t judge or ask who had planned so poorly. He told them to fill the stone jugs with what they had, which was water, and then to trust Him. And He turned the water into wine, and not just wine, but the finest wine they had had all night.